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Something happened last night that upset me little. I have to accept it and that's that, but I wanted to vent.
I thought all this time I was losing weight that my DH Mark and I had a "deal": that once I lose my 100 pounds, he would lose his 40. He's 5'10" and 245. His lowest weight was 180. Well, last night I found out that I was wrong. It came up somehow that we never had a "deal". Apparently I imagined or assumed that. I may have said, "If I lose my 100 pounds. will you lose your 40?" and he may have even nodded his head, figuring he'd worry about that a year down the road, or he may never even have done that because he is saying now it never happened, though I really don't think I imagined it.
The entire reason I started my journey was because of this heartfelt speech he gave me where he sat me down and pleaded with me to lose weight, claiming that there are no really old fat people and that he wants to get old with me. When I threw it back in his face about the whole "there are no old fat people", he just said, "I'm comfortable with my weight." And I said, "So was I!" He went on to say that he saw my ankle and knee issues as precursors to crippling weight-related issues (notice, not life-threatening, but crippling), and I'm wondering now if he just wanted me to lose weight so he wouldn't have to take care of me, and it had nothing to do with me dying!
I mean, of course I know the weight would eventually kill me, but this makes me feel like he's a big hypocrite. So it's okay for me to get thin and live, but he is "comfortable" with his weight. He went on to say that his weight doesn't limit him from any of life's activities (it does limit me). While this is true, that has little to do with health.
Overall, I'm just sad. I thought we were on this journey together, just on separate paths. Now it turns out I'm on this journey alone. However, I'm not disheartened in the least. If anything, the fire under my ass is lit even higher and hotter because this IS for me, and if he doesn't give a sh#t about himself enough to stick around and get old with me and be with me to see it out, then that will be his loss, but I'm sure as hell not going to sacrifice my own health and future because he chooses to be lazy, self-indulgent and in denial about his weight. I'm going all the way with this, but apparently, I'm going it alone.
I told him last night that I thought we had a "deal", but if we don't, I certainly do love him the way he is, I'm just sad because now that I've bought into the whole "there are no really fat old people" concept, I believe he won't get old with me. He didn't say much - how could he? I'm not going to shame him, because what would be the point? If losing 50 pounds out of my 100 pound first goal isn't enough to inspire him, then I doubt losing the other 50 will do squat, but it doesn't matter because ultimately, I'm doing this for me first, and "us" second.
He knows he was a jerk. He tried to be nice and cheer me up the rest of the night, but I wouldn't have it. I told him this was a lot to process and it would take some time. I told him I loved him, but that I was also crushed with disappointment and I needed time. I will need a good cry to get past this. It hasn't happened yet, but it will today, I imagine.
Thank you for listening. It really helps just getting it out.
Dominique/aka Mrs. Mole
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104.3 kg
Lost so far: 22.7 kg.
Still to go: 36.7 kg.
Diet followed: 100%.
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View Diet Calendar, 25 February 2014:
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896 kcal
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Fat: 33.25g | Prot: 91.33g | Carbs: 62.20g.
Breakfast: Slim-Fast Meal Bars - Chocolate Cookie Dough. Lunch: Denny's Sliced Tomatoes (3 Slices), Ground Beef (85% Lean / 15% Fat). Dinner: Francisco International French Sandwich Rolls, HEB Ground Chicken Breast. Snacks/Other: Sunsweet Dried Plums Bite Size Pitted Prunes. more...
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steady weight
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1 to 20 of 49
 Comments
(((HUGS))) Good thing you're doing it FOR YOU, and NOT him! Let him be the jerk, and you just take care of yourself and get HEALTHY :)
25 Feb 14 by member: millerm40
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You should only lose the weight for you hun. Nobody else!!!!
25 Feb 14 by member: Tanya Whitehead
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So it is time for you to come up with your own "heartfelt speech". Even 40 pounds can cause serious problems, especially as we age.
25 Feb 14 by member: BuffyBear
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I wouldn't worry about him. You get yourself hot, and he'll start to worry about losing you to someone else. He'll then work on himself. Just be a little mysterious and let him wonder and worry. Nothing a man fears more than losing a hot wife.
25 Feb 14 by member: sjdallas
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My husband started a journey to fitness last year without me. He got a gym membership and was dropping pounds like they were hot, I wanted no part in it. I thought I was comfortable with myself, but in all reality I just didn't want to put myself in the uncomfortable position of trying to lose weight. (I realize this now) I jumped on board in March and we kicked ass together through June, then he jumped off. His 'summer break' has turned into a year, and he has put on all the weight he once lost. I, on the other hand, am still going strong. It is my hope that with the weather warming up and being more active myself that it will be a positive influence on him. Your husband probably sincerely wanted what's best for you, not just a concern for your mobility, but like my husband did for me you will have to let him find his own footing and choose his time. You are killing it :-) Eventually he will be inspired by that! Good luck!
25 Feb 14 by member: Annabelle3117
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It is disappointing that he is not in this with you. But no matter how many tears you need to shed you will not lose focus. He will join when he is ready and if he is not making any effort to lose weight he is going to need you even more than he knows. Whatever his initial concern about your weight and the impact on your health and life together were does not matter right now. It’s all about YOU!
25 Feb 14 by member: ChicaLean
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im curious to know how he could back track and counterbalance his original concern with "Im comfortable with my weight" How did he even talk himself out of that after putting it on you so forcefully. I mean, telling someone they are worried you may die is a big load to carry (no pun intended) What was his answer?? How did he justify the possibility of leaving you a young widow?
25 Feb 14 by member: lisaappleton
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Dominique, I was wondering what your name was. I glad you have a good attitude about the weight issue. I'd hate for you to say THWI and we'd lose you. My hubby is probably about 40 lbs over, also. He eats candy, cookies, chips, hamburgers...with buns... All the things that I used to like to eat, that will now send my glucose out of range. He never brings his blood work home and all he's on is cholesterol & BP meds. I'm losing the weight for me.. not for anyone else, including him. Well, maybe I'm doing it for my FS buddies, too. The next 50 lbs is on it's way to the dump.. We care about you!!! {{HUGS}}.. Donna
25 Feb 14 by member: dboza
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My DH has conveniently forgotten about quitting smoking if I lost 25 pounds. I've lost 62 and there's been no mention of it ever again. I believe he thought I'd never do it. I'm debating bringing it up again, but I'd never give up and put the weight back on just because he didn't follow though. I wish he would GAIN some weight, he's very underweight. He can eat anything he wants and never gain; that's not healthy either but if he ever gets sick, he will have nothing to fight it with.
25 Feb 14 by member: erwinwarrior83
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He probably doesn't remember it, and because he doesn't remember, he's convinced it never happened (never mind that you've remembered other things that are important to him, consistently and reliably, most likely for years now *rolls eyes*) Probably at the time he was thinking it would never happen and he didn't have to think about it, so he promptly stopped thinking about it, and forgot. If you're not comfortable with his weight, you go right ahead and get on him about it-men are much more prone to health problems when carrying far less excess weight, so his health dangers are still there, even though he has less weight to lose than you did. He felt free to insist that you lose weight for your health, turnabout is more than fair, particularly since he DOES need to lose weight. Whether or not he is "comfortable" those 40 extra pounds are already causing him hidden health problems.
25 Feb 14 by member: CollyMP
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Too sad to read what happened, Mrsmole; but on the other hand it is good to read that you are still here and still wanting to be a better self, You might have started because of his speech, but now you need to keep going becase of yourself; because at the end that is what matters. You will be in shape, you will be healthier, you will be even hotter, and he will then feel the pressure for doing the same.
25 Feb 14 by member: Chickturu
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I can certainly understand your disappointment. My husband and I are consistently out-of-sync. I learned long ago that I just had to do it for me and not expect him to be very involved. He doesn't even go for walks with me. He has always been more active than me, but it has long saddened me when I see other couples out enjoying the outdoors together. I can count on two hands (over 27 years) how many times he has said "yes" to my suggestion of going for a walk. Have your good cry and then continue on. Maybe one day he will, for his own reasons, decide to lose some weight. I hope so for his sake, but I know how strong denial is. My own brother has always been heavy, and every decade we adjust to an all-time high. Some of my siblings have approached me, asking about his shortness-of-breath, etc. They think I might be more successful at talking to him. I had a good talk with him and he admitted he needs more exercise, but he believes he is mostly "muscle" under a bit of fat. He states that his blood pressure is great, so there went my biggest argument. Ah well, I love him for who he is and will support him in whatever way I can. I will be said if he dies too young, however. He is 51 and has 6 children and a wife to live for (the youngest child is only 4).
25 Feb 14 by member: gilliansings
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Men are from Mars.... We see things differently. Not an excuse - reality. From what you told me, he is a great guy. This is one thing. He'll come around. My wife buys the groceries. When I decided to do this she bought food for the house to support me and left the junkfood a the door. She didn't intend to lose weight. She lost 20 just because she was eating what I was eating. On the other hand, because I work at home, I often cook. We very rarely eat out. Would that maybe work for you? Sometime we simiply don't believe we can do something, or believe it will be hardship. Do the simple things about food at home first? Take the time to clear your head before entering into a dialogue about it with him. (If I don't take the time to do that, I always make an idiot of myself.)
25 Feb 14 by member: northernmusician
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Dont feel bad. I think chosing to lose weight is something you have to really want to do for yourself... Or else it is an even more difficult road. If your husband isnt "ready" now... Dont think that he will never be ready. I agree with what northernmusician is saying. You can cook healthier, fix his plate for him with appropriate portion sizes and immediately put leftovers in the fridge to reduce the chance of second and third helpings. My house is full of 4 skinny people and two heavy people. My heavy son has lost weight because I have eliminated the daily homebaked desserts, stopped getting fast food all the time, and because I now ALWAYS make his plate when I make my own... Before he used to serve himself heaping portions. Hubby's diet can be your secret mission... Or you can just tell him that as long as you are the chef everyones eating better. On the weekends (especially when it gets warmer out) plan outdoor activities you can do together for fun. Biking, walking, playing a sport, etc. anyhow, I am proud of you and I think your awesome progress will really start to rub off on him sooner or later :).
25 Feb 14 by member: Jess cheng
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Oh sweetie, I can feel the pain in your words, but am so proud of you for clearing stating to him how you felt while not belittling him. You are a wonderful example for good communication between spouses. I know you know this, but you are not alone on this journey… we are all with you! And who knows, he may come around given more time to process what you said & think about your feelings. Men do think differently, but you clearly expressed how you felt & what you thought was a "deal". Regardless, you are on the right path & doing so well. You're truly a wonderful inspiration! xoxox
25 Feb 14 by member: Ruhu
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MrsMole It *is* frustrating,disappointing,maddening & sad when the one we love so deeply,the one who we became as *one* with,goes back on words of promise. It not only effects the "deal" that was made (& I believe the deal was made because he does recall "the speech" he gave to you.However that isn't my point)but it effects the *trust* you have with each other. As "one flesh", husband & wife,you each *expect* to be able to *rely* on the other & that includes words said.With every right to do so. But all of us are only human.That's not to excuse words or behavior but to allow place for us to show *mercy* to one another. I think Yolanda,Chickalean & Chickturu have comments worth considering quite closely.If you think about it,once the emotions have calmed,I'm sure you would agree that your husband, in his speech, *was* thinking of *your* best interests. He,out of his love for you,probably would have said *anything* to convince *you* (who felt comfortable as you were)to do whatever it took to make the needed changes. After all,who but *you* could do so? *He* cant make the changes for *you*. Just as you can't make the changes for him.But please,don't let what you *can't* do stand in the way of what you *can* do! You know this is something you need & want so you are committed to doing it,regardless. Very commendable MrsMole. Your *husband* is also something you need & want,as you said to him! Again,very,*very* commendable. As you continue to make progress in your weight goals & by your displaying your love for him even when you feel he has broken words you had both committed to,as one, he *will* be motivated to making changes of his own. :D How can I say such things when I don't know either of you?! Because :D ..... I know *love* ---1Cor.13:4-8 --- & it *never* fails :D I'll be watching your journey with delight!
25 Feb 14 by member: myawethinTICself
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P.S. & NM has a good perspective on it,too. :D
25 Feb 14 by member: myawethinTICself
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Your hubby will need to get to his place in his time...you can't force him in to it. He will get there...just give him time to get to where he is ready. Continue your journey and as you get closer to your goal you will find him being there. My hubby had lost over 50 lbs by the time I joined in. He ended up losing 70 and now I have been at the 50 too. (I have slid back...but I will get back there). He has seen you working hard...maybe he thinks he would have to work that hard as well...that is a scary proposition. Let him know that I did not do the same things as my hubby. Men and women lose differently. He just needs to start eating healthy and the rest will follow.
25 Feb 14 by member: kmunson
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PSS, as does Jess & Ruhu! Sorry I started writing & didnt finish before they made their comments. LOOK! You are NOT alone :D
25 Feb 14 by member: myawethinTICself
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Sounds like he never really expected that you would follow through. Not that he didn't have faith in your ability, but that he might not have felt you would "go the whole mile." Let's face it, losing weight and keeping it off is not just a temporary thing, it takes dedication and constancy and it says something to his own feelings that he might not be as focused on it as you are. And as time goes on, it's convenient to say that you didn't really "have a deal" so as to not have to follow through. If you thought there was something that the two of you were working on together, then that's what it was, and it sufficiently motivated you. Continue on with it no matter what, and like so many others have said, do it for YOURSELF!! Over time, he may well start seeing just how much healthier and awesome you are becoming and decide to do something for himself. Hang in there!
25 Feb 14 by member: slynn_lynn
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