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Monday Afternoon - March 24th and ... it's HERE... my bike is HERE! I feel as if I am 8 years old again (which, if memory serves, was the last year I got a gift that wasn't underwear or socks for my birthday). I don't think my last new CAR was this exciting. Then again, maybe I haven't bought my LAST new car yet.
Yesterday was not one of my better days for ATF; it began with another 2am security (false) alarm tri-athalon (I think one more and I win a set of steak knives - thrown AT my forehead by the security crew) followed by waking again and misreading the clock beside my bed as 6:15. By the time I figured out it was really only 3:30 I was already in the living room drinking coffee so I stayed up. And in Bellawood a weird science time thing happens where 'more hours awake calculates to more hours to eat which leads to body going crazy wanting more'.
So, the shopping list now contains 'a: enormous digital clock' and 'b: small sledgehammer to knock self out, or at least knock teeth out' should that happen again.
I won't deny some of it wasn't emotional. I'm recognizing where Sunday used to be my absolute favorite day of the week it is currently (and I plan for that to be temporary) my saddest. It was the day I could divide my time and energy between being Cutty's wife ((more than caretaker trying to fit time in with him in while running the shop)) resting, my yard, and other little 'to be done' lists. But now, the tasks and back yard maintenance are being done in the evenings or during the day as I have all the freaking free time in the world and I find myself at loose ends on Sunday. And, yeah, lonely. Sad. Depressed. Pathetic.
I get it. I've been reading much about this process; how it often takes months for the grief and reality to really set in and I know it's natural. There are plenty of things I can PLAN just to 'keep busy' - church, events, calendars, but that has been my M.O. for the past few months and I found myself growing weary of the obligations. The schedule. Just one more 'living life by a clock, is everyone on time, will the weather interfere, no spontaneity, etc'. I can hear the bell ringing for me so I am paying attention in order to find a balance between 'enjoying' my day and 'fulfilling my appointments'.
I also think I may have unlocked another window to my crazy house this morning as I realized reading journals and perspectives that part of my barrier, my 'thinking thing holding me back from daily happiness' is that I am at, have been at, that same place in weight of the women, well, let me be correct here, men and women both, whom I've begrudged and scoffed at so much of my life: the 'if I could just lose 10 more pounds' stage. It was a reminder seed planted on Yo's journal that had me sorting thru memories like one of those calendar page flippy things in movies.
I recall when I first joined here I'd read journals of people wanting to lose that 'last 10 pounds' or struggling to take off that 2lbs they gained over the holidays.
I'd started this time at nearly 300lbs and would think things like 'seriously? If *I* only weighed 120lbs you'd have to SEDATE me to quiet the laughter and joy. I'd probably have 120 tattood on my FOREHEAD if I ever reached that weight again.'
And then I met another wonderful person who weighed only 100lbs and still wasn't happy with it either. These were clearly members who've never truly struggled with a lifetime of morbid obesity. As time passed, I met more. Some with 2lbs to goal, some with 200lbs to goal.
All of us with the same agenda just different starting points.
And, as more time passed and I followed the stories, I learned how much harder it is to lose 5lbs than 50lbs. And how much easier it is to gain 5lbs than lose 5lbs. How much harder it is to maintain a goal weight without the thrill of the 'downward roller coaster' of loss. Just get up every day and do it right; then get up the next day and do it again. That, and more.
The daily stories, journals, non-scale victories, triumphs over eating disorders, recognition on nutrition and open thinking to new ideas helped me learn to love food again as well as recognize how much more important it is to truly love myself unconditionally 'today' - not contingent upon a scale or tag in the waist of jeans.
Most of days, I get it. And many days I wondered if I was trying to 'fake it til I make it' accepting myself at this weight for nearly nine months now. Some days I wonder if I'm rationalizing or compromising by not pushing thru to reach my goal. Harder, more, faster.
But today in one of those random 'blinks of awareness' I recognized I'm at the place I'd begrudged so many others for so many years though. So, I guess, maybe the Universe just has me paying my dues for now ... one bite, one day at a time.
Thanks for visiting me. It's closing time and I am OUTTA here! Should I get run over and killed on my bike ride today please have a nice memorial for me. Serve chocolate chip cookies. Thanks.
Bella
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1510 kcal
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Fat: 89.05g | Prot: 89.97g | Carbs: 89.28g.
Breakfast: Chicken Tortellini Soup, Coffee-Mate Sugar Free Caramel Macchiato Coffee Creamer, Whole Milk, Spectrum Organic Virgin Coconut Oil. Lunch: Tomatoes, Chives, Mushrooms, Cheddar Cheese, Egg, Bacon. Snacks/Other: Schwan's Whole Blueberries, Cottage Cheese, Bob's Red Mill Chia Seed. more...
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