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Weigh in day. Either I’m still dehydrated, the water loss hung around, that was a whoosh or heck I don’t know. Kinda like the number if it wants to stay. But if it does I know me *sigh* I’ll have to go for 115. 117 is in the 115 range whereas 118 is in my 120 range. 300 kcal lower per day last week than my ‘goal’. 200 less than what I was actually aiming for so I could have pie last night (which we didn’t have anyway). 400 less per day than FS says I should be getting even while sedentary. 1500 seems to be what my watch thinks I use per day. Ate so much junk this week. Man it feels good to revert to my old way of eating! Not the ‘gain 10# in 7 months’ WoE because everyone was eating ALL my leftovers and snacks so that I decided to just eat it all to begin with. They learned nothing while I learned that gains a lot of weight rapidly lol. Now I stop buying their snacks if they eat mine. Seriously, what kid wants diet bars, fiber bars and low calorie snacks? They don’t, they wanted it cause it was ‘mine’. Plus they can use my memory against me and say I forgot I ate all that food lol. They still do that.
My middle.... I say I’m disappointed and she’s crying for hours. Yet hubby found her baby sisters lunchable under her pillow, empty, along with other people’s snacks. She already ate 4 of the 24 big chocolate Easter eggs. She shared they said cause she ‘didn’t hear me’ say they were for Easter yet clear as day before she said that told me they were for Easter and not to be eaten. 🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
My oldest.... spank her and she says ‘is that all you’ve got? And laughs. Wanted to know why she had to pack and take her own sports things if I was coming to the meet. Really?? You’re 13! Carry your own crap! New house rule, you wanna do the activity then you prepare for it and you take everything. I am a proud parent spectator not a pack mule. I have my tripod, purse, jacket etc to carry for myself, hubby and the 4 year old. The others are 13&10 and can carry their own things.
Woke up happy and then the lil tornadoes hit me. $100 jacket laid in the grass rather than wear a $20 hoodie you wanted to wear yesterday... okay. “Forgot” to pack a lunch so will eat at school again... okay. Want me to carry all your stuff... okay. Didn’t pack everything and want me to do it for you... okay. Forgot to brush teeth, eat breakfast or whatever... okay. 🤦♀️ And they wonder why I’m the night parent, hubby is the morning parent and I get up 15-30 minutes before the bus comes and that’s it. NOT a morning person and stupid excuses piss me off. At night we can just see who is the more stubborn. I’ve got 24-33 years more experience than them. Mornings I wanna line me up for swats. Mom always said ‘Kids should really get a spanking first thing because they’ll need it at some point that day’. I now understand lol. So I step back and say ok, eat at school and don’t complain cause it’s a meal you hate. Don’t plan on a snack cause you ate a months worth of snacks (100+ servings of cupcakes, muffins, snack cakes, English muffins, chips, trail mixes etc) in 2 weeks. Wanna ruin that $100 jacket then don’t expect a single expensive name brand item again, gift or not, your money or mine. Don’t want to carry your things then ok, have fun without that blanket while it’s 36 degrees and no wind block cause this time I’m not handing over my $300 hunting coat because of your bad judgment. I so wanted to cuddle the 4 yr old cause she was quiet and didn’t push or test me one but this morning. Man I’m so not a morning person. Whoever thought having kids and early morning school days were fun was mistaken lol. School should be like dept store hours... 10-6 or 10-7 rather than 7-3:30 (bus times) lol. If I just didn’t have this obsessive need to make damn sure they are dressed appropriately for the day and see them on the bus so I know they are safe. Damn motherhood lol. Ok got that out and didn’t choke a kiddo! Yay me! Now for the coffee to kick in so I don’t choke hubby when he comes in saying ‘I have an extra half hour....’. Still smarting over ‘you’re a grown adult and can make responsible decisions’ when I was having a breakdown. Yes it was probably the end increase from the end of last month (2/27/19), but they said this could happen and we should be aware. Now I know he won’t support this either. Chemo alone. Finding a lump and worrying alone. Suicidal thoughts and actions... alone. The kids weren’t enough this time. Wanting to piss him off was. Wanting to punish him wasn’t enough. Wanting to see if he truly feels that way when I’m sober was. Oddly they told me alcohol would make it worse. Nope! It made things clear. Fuck him and his ‘be responsible’ when I’m loosing my mind and my skin is crawling. Beer was calming. Those thoughts were the anxiety, mania or meds not the depression. Beer brought those feelings down to manageable. Just took 6 instead of 2-3 and had the 7th for the hell of it. So much for meds heightening the effect of alcohol and vice versa. That stops about beer #4. Oh and I use singing to get my mind off things. Music and dancing are a big part of my family and can change my mood easily. It kept him up even tho he was sleeping in the living room and playing his game (when he was awake) and didn’t let me know he was going to bed. Yet it’s my fault cause I should’ve known through that closed door that he went to bed and my music on low with my low voice was keeping him awake. Literally on like the 3rd to 5th volume out of 16 on my phone. He also has 70% hearing loss yet that bothered him. Or perhaps it was cause I didn’t go to bed when he expected (again didn’t tell me). Or because anything not perfect or his way is a weakness and he can’t tolerate weakness in anyone but himself and those under 10 or over 80. Man he’s an asshat lately. Yeah this will probably get deleted too but it needs to get out of me. And nobody will read this stuff for a couple more hours. Let it sit, let it wash away and face another day! Haha still have the knife and firearm. That’s how little he truly understands about mental illness even though he’s had depression off and on for the last 18 years that I’ve known him. Going on 18 1/2 now, married 17. His parents set it off. I just tend to set off anger and disappointment it seems. Oh and I’m a manipulator it seems. Cause I won’t give his folks their way. OR because they are pricks who make us all feel like shit every time we see them. I won’t have my kids deal with that when I can stop it now. Manipulation or being a good mom so my kids don’t deal with their crap for 18-19 years like I have? The baby doesn’t even ask for them when we drive by now. She looks at her sisters and sees that they hang back and she grabs their hand and stays with them.
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53.3 kg
Lost so far: 19.6 kg.
Still to go: 0 kg.
Diet followed: Reasonably Well.
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1445 kcal
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Fat: 71.57g | Prot: 58.13g | Carbs: 148.57g.
Breakfast: Hershey's Milk Chocolate Bar with Almonds, Swiss Miss Classics Milk Chocolate Hot Cocoa Mix. Lunch: Cheeseburger with 1/4 Lb Meat, Tomato and/or Catsup on Bun. Dinner: Trader Joe's Boneless Beef New York Strip Steak, Outback Steakhouse Garlic Mashed Potatoes. Snacks/Other: Snickers Creamy Almond Butter Squares, Coca-Cola Coca-Cola Classic (20 oz). more...
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Gaining 0.6 kg a Week
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