You've no doubt realized by now I'm totally devoid of original thought. Most of my journals, responses, dialogue and conversations are from TV & Movies. Hey, if I can't BE a glamorous movie star, I'll be the star of Bellawood and recycle. I figure if their lines were good enough to earn them an Oscar they're good enough for me.
So this morning when I caught a customer staring down my blouse I leaned over and said
'They're called Boobs, Ron.' See, that's the problem with reusing lines when my censor filter has worn out. By the time I realize WHAT I've said it's too late to take it back. So I have to stand there with the attitude to back it up, as if 'I meant to say that'.
So what does this have to do with All Things Food? I guess another line from a movie (Daddy's Dyin'.. Who's got the Will) ala:
Marlene: I HAVE lost weight in case y'all ain't noticed!
Evalita: [under her breath, lighting cigarette] Well why don't you look behind you and you'll find it!
Because it seems my body is shifting either proportionally or gravity or less here makes it look like more there because otherwise I'm finding it behind me or so it seems .. get it?
I almost phoned my doctor this morning to get a timeline from my latest (and hopefully LAST) massive weight regain because I am on the verge of 24 months of 'health and weight loss' THIS time (anniversary Aug 25th) and I don't know why I keep relying on my past for reason's other than, again, that quote '
know your history or be destined to repeat it'.
And thanks to binge watching True Detectives this weekend I was so struck with Rust Cohle's quote:
This is a world where nothing is solved. Someone once told me, 'Time is a flat circle.' Everything we've ever done or will do, we're gonna do over and over and over again' that I felt the need to revisit it.
I've been here. Done this. Over and over. And over again.
What, if anything, has changed that will make this change different, dare I hope, permanent?
I didn't have FatSecret in the past. I didn't journal. I didn't separate foods either 'good' vs 'bad' and try to follow the 'Eat. Eat Real Food. Eat Good Food. Just not too much.' I didn't read beyond the calorie and fat count. I was easily misled by anything labeled 'fat free'. I was so concerned with having the teeny weeny body that I didn't care how I got there or had to abuse myself to do it. I flaunted those size two's with more swagger than Oprah ever could have.
Flat Circle. Over and Over. I have felt that so many times as I've gone up and down the scale 100 pounds at a time. Not the five or ten pounds so many people here bemoan. And I'm not dismissing them for the absence of extreme. They too are stuck on their own flat circle.
So I try to tell myself this suspected gain from the mere appearance of body shifting because I will not weigh, I refuse, because I want to break free from that circle is the result of time, hormones, blood sugar, etc. That I cannot expect me in my 5th decade will have the same body as in my 40's. I'm eating differently.
Buying almond butter last night I noticed the varieties of 'peanut butters' that were 95% calorie free, or even zero calories, nor contained peanuts.
That last part got me. I know there have been so many cases of people emerging the past couple of decades who are deathly allergic to peanuts so they deserve their PB&J without the anaphylactic shock but from where did this allergy originate because I know I didn't get out much as a child but I just don't remember even hearing of such a thing until I was in my 30's.
Regardless, my hand wavered on the jar for a second. Old habits die hard. But I choose the 100% pure and natural (or so I hope ~~ I think along with the verbal censor filter failure I'm being taken over with extreme paranoia and conspiracy theory syndrome) almond butter.
I guess, pulling out one last trademark infringement reference, I'm hoping FatSecret, with the ATF and everything else, will be MY .... Wrinkle in Time. I'm hoping I've stepped off the path, crushed one butterfly, and had an impact on my Flat Circle.
One day, one wrinkle at a time.
Bella
