abbadabba's Journal, 10 Feb 11

I admit it: I have been in denial about my weight. Saw myself this morning, from the top, realized that I indeed have rolls of fat. Which I did not see or care to see before, but I think realizing that I am attractive, rolls or no rolls, made it easier for me to see how unhealthy my body is.

Lately the people around me have been sane and reasonable and kind. After a difficult upbringing and a difficult marriage, I am waking up to the fact that people who love you just listen sometimes and care what you say and aren't going to save up your insecurities to use against you later when they need to control you. They tell you that they love you. They laugh at your jokes. They want to be with you because they selfishly want to enjoy your company and want to be liked by you.

When you are with your friends, you don't have worry about how you look, except that they might worry if you look sad or sick or tired - how much you weigh isn't their concern except for how you are doing. So I don't have to protect myself anymore, I can look at how much I weigh and why and figure out what I am going to do about it because I don't want to be overweight regardless of what other people think.

My ex was always worried about my weight - he didn't want to get old and decrepit and be fat with a fat wife. So, he often dieted and could lose 20 pounds in 2 or 3 months with little effort. And then he would say that I should lose weight too, so I didn't end up decrepit either. On the face of it, I guess he was trying to say he wanted us to get old in good health together, but I think it just seemed like another criticism, since he didn't want me to exercise at home, he didn't want me to go a gym, and he wouldn't bike or hike with me plus I had to do all the cooking and shopping - I was supposed to get healthy and thin all on my own. Well, here I am, all on my own, and I have found something to do that he never would have done, which is contra-dancing! So, I think he did me a favor in divorcing me.

Now I need to do myself a favor and start carefully watching what I eat. I had set my RDI at 1100, but I think I managed to lose by sticking to 1300 - so, 1300 is what I am shooting for, and I seem to remember that I was not hungry when I ate at 1300.

Sad to say I stuffed myself with Indian food at lunch and won't be allowed any dinner! Lol, that won't stop me from eating, likely, but I have some soups at home so if I am hungry before contra, I will have soup.

Hope you have a good Thursday!

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1279 kcal

Fat: 40.64g | Prot: 54.92g | Carbs: 185.05g.   Breakfast: cream cheese, whole wheat bread, Coffee with Skim Milk. Lunch: naan bread, raita, rice, creamed spinach, chicken korma. more...