WendyMaq's Journal

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12 February 2023

I am a QUITTER!
I recognize that statement may be triggering for some of you, but hear me out. I have been in recovery for an eating disorder for a little over two years. I was a chronic dieter/restrictor after being an undiagnosed anorexic as a teen. I began gaining weight for no discernable reason and it triggered me anxiety/depression in a really big way. I kept telling my doctor I wasn't eating in a way to support the gain, but he wasn't hearing me. So I was eating less than a 1000 calories a day, still gaining, and spiraling... His resident actually noticed I had a poor relationship with food and I was lucky enough to find a group in my area who specializes in eating disorders. I was provided with a psychotherapist and a nutritional therapist who were both able to meet with me virtually, which made a huge difference. I have learned more about myself in the past 2 years than all my years in and out of therapy. I have learned how to nourish my body and why it is important to eat regularly balanced meals. I learned to stop demonizing certain foods because it's more important to eat what is available than to not eat at all. I've also learned nutrition should be 20% JOY. SO I QUIT. No more dieting. No more weighing. No more restricting. No more putting myself down. ...and no more fatsecret. I met some wonderful people here. You know where to find me. <3

Weight:	Lost so far:	Still to go:	Diet followed:
90.7 kg	12.3 kg	15.9 kg	Not Applicable

(13 comments) Losing 0.0 kg a Week

25 February 2021

It's been a while, so I thought I'd pop in and share some things I've been learning in therapy/nutrition. You may know this already, but maybe it's a good reminder. We all have a baseline intake of nourishment we need just to be upright. When we severely restrict that intake the body goes into survival mode.(Because at our core, we are animals. we want to survive.) In order it keep the body functioning, it will take energy away from other functions and put them on auto-pilot. Instead of rationale, reactionary. Feeling instead of focus. Being in a constant state of fight or flight. Not a great combination for anyone, never mind someone who struggles with anxiety and depression. I have been eating 3 nourishing meals a day (protein, grain/starch, fruit/vegetable, healthy fat). Whole foods, whole grains, fewer ingredients. I am not counting calories. I am learning to nourish my body and trust it to do its job. I am trying not to weigh myself as much. It's hard for me to think that number on the scale doesn't define me... doesn't devalue all the good parts. I would never judge someone else so harshly. YOUR weight doesn't change the fact that YOU are brilliant, bright, and beautiful souls, so why does it for me? I don't have that answer, but I'm working on it. As you can see, despite eating what I feel is a huge amount of food every day, my weight hasn't really changed all that much. I'm crying less. I have fewer anxiety attacks. I have regained focus and feel less overwhelmed. I can breathe. I just have to trust that the rest will come.

Stay safe and be kind to yourself!

Weight:	Lost so far:	Still to go:	Diet followed:
95.2 kg	7.9 kg	20.3 kg	Reasonably Well

(2 comments) Losing 0.1 kg a Week

29 January 2021

It's been a couple of crazy weeks! My other Aunt landed in the hospital with Mitral Valve Regurgitation. We were all terrified we'd lose her, too. She had open heart surgery last week. They sent her home Wednesday. Big sigh of relief. She has a long road to recovery, but the prognosis is good. Now if we can all get vaccinated, maybe we can visit this Summer.

What's been happening with the eating disorder? Well, my nutritionist initially asked me to break my fast earlier so I could fit another meal in. Usually, I eat 4 or 5 hours after I get up: one egg, two pieces of toast. I did my best for a week, but I didn't really know what to eat when it was lunchtime, and that had me scrambling. One day I had second breakfast. LOL! Then I found out my friend's daughter started a vegan meal service. Her menu includes things like quinoa power bowl, chana palak, masala, spaghetti squash bolognese... 14 meals for only $70. Now my husband and I have meals ready at lunchtime, and we know they are whole, nutritious, and balanced.

During this week, my nutritionist asked me to eat a second egg and add avocado at breakfast. The first day, I literally had a panic attack over it: hyper-ventilating, trembling... I was so frustrated with myself! It colored my whole day. Then I ate one of Kell's meals. Then we had dinner. SO MUCH FOOD. I've been freaking out all week because I know I must be packing on the pounds with all this food! Thank goodness we got my ribs moving again, because I've been doing a lot of breathing to help with the anxiety. Yesterday, I got on the scale just before my therapy appointment. I wanted her to help me work through the meltdown I knew was coming.

210.6

It's the same? It's the same. IT'S THE SAME! How is this even possible?!
WAHOO!

BY the way... the more I talk about having an eating disorder, the more people I find who also struggle with disordered eating. I find it hard to say out loud because I don't "look" like society thinks someone with an eating disorder looks like. Not everyone is emaciated!

Well, I just thought I'd update y'all. The depression is less oppressive and I'm feeling a little better. My next nutrition appointment is this afternoon and I wonder what fresh hell she is going to inflict upon me this week.

Until next time: be well, be safe, be happy!

(2 comments)

28 January 2021

Weight:	Lost so far:	Still to go:	Diet followed:
95.5 kg	7.5 kg	20.7 kg	Reasonably Well

Add Comment steady weight

22 January 2021

Weight:	Lost so far:	Still to go:	Diet followed:
95.5 kg	7.5 kg	20.7 kg	Reasonably Well

Add Comment Gaining 0.6 kg a Week

WendyMaq's Weight History

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