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I got depressed. Actually, I kinda get depressed easily. Cassie is talking about getting pregnant. That's all she can talk about. CC, her wife, said in 18 months once things settle down, they're gonna go get her inseminated. Well, good for them and all that I guess. Michael and I have been trying for 3 years to have just one baby and they're gonna get to have 2. Greedy. Then I have the nerve to say that it's a sensitive subject for me. That makes her feel bad. I didn't mean for it to do that, but apparently it did. They next couple of days all she does is moan and complain about Mac, her 3 year old neice that they are basically raising. How she doesn't listen and all that stuff that little kids start too do around that age. So, I said that it's funny. I would willingly give up almost anything to have what she bitches about on a daily basis. That got Cory involved. Look, we all know that Cory and Cassie and CC wanna do some adult activities, but you need to let Cassie fight her own battle. It wasn't even a battle. Just a comment.
I don't think that Cory cares for me that much really. He doesn't like that Michael is standing up for himself and being a little bit more scarcastic lately. I'm encouraging it. I love the fact that he can take care of himself. Apparently this means that I'm changing him for the worse.
All in all, it just seems that lately I can't DO or SAY anything right. And that is making me depressed (Iguess). I don't wanna clean, or go walking, and I especally don't wanna be eating right. You wouldn't believe what I cleaned through in the three or four days that Michael let me feel bad about myself.
And Halloween. How I love it. Every year I go as a witch, because I'm a the type of person who enjoys the irony in that. Well, this year Cassie decided that we were gonna go as the same thing. Kinda a twin type thing. She decided on pirates, without even talking to me. Then she decided we are going to Johnny Brocks to get costumes. I have nothing against Brocks. With the exception of a few of their employees (and let's face it, you'll get that everywhere) I find it to be a great store. They just rarely have any clothes for big people, let alone fat ones like me. She picked out a 3x, which is about my size in mens', and we go to try it on. And, of course it doesn't fit. Won't even zip up halfway. And it kills me. I've been trying since January to get healthier and skinnier and all of that. But, no one sees that. All they see is a big fat blob walking around. They have no clue how hard it is to know that you did this to yourself, and you still can't seem to stop. So of course, I get the looks that I'm used to. The "oh, I can't believe that your out in public your so fat" looks. Then my sister Kelly calls. She was complaining that she would have to up the chest size in her bellydancer outfit. And I lost it. I pretty much yelled at her. She's always had a big chest. Men love a big chest. A big stomach, not so much. She's been here. She was about a 24, and on her short little body, that made it look worse. So, she's trying to comfort me and make me feel better. You know what would have made me feel better? Godiva chocolate cheesecake from the Cheesecake factory. THAT would have made me happy.
The car's fixed, but it cost us pretty much one whole paycheck. So, we are VERY short on money. Right now life just sucks ass. That's the whole problem. And I know, I know...I'm supposed to push past it and all that jazz. It's just really hard right now. And, it shouldn't be. But food makes me happy. I like being happy. Especially when I look this bad. I just really need to get back on the horse. I need to stop fooling around and just get to where I need to be. It's just so hard right now.
View Diet Calendar, 23 October 2011:
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1424 kcal
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Fat: 54.73g | Prot: 95.02g | Carbs: 118.49g.
Lunch: cottage cheese, sweet potato chips, Mild Cheddar Cheese, chicken breast, english muffin. Dinner: chicken stuffing, blue cheese dressing, honey, broccoli, chicken breast. Snacks/Other: Honey Buns, string cheese. more...
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