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Yes, it's been a long time that I've been away from FS. Guess it's because I'm binging and don't have much to report about my husband. Life has just been going along. I believe the Lord is carrying me. Down deep inside I am partially faith-filled that the Lord will give me the strength to cope with the future, and partially I have tension over anxiety for the future. I'm scared of pain: emotionally and physically.
I turned 80 during this time away. My back has not "gone out" as it did in April or May, but I live with quite a bit of pain. That alone is scary to me. If there is a repeat of my 3-week episode of not being able to get up or walk, and my husband is not able to help me, I will have to go to a rehab or nursing-type facility. I shop, cook, do the dishes, do laundry, dust, wash the wood floors on my knees, but not much else cleaning because of my back and can't say the house is really clean. Can't get help now.
My husband was dragging his feet about having surgery to remove his cancerous tumor from his lymph because of his heart failure, not wanting to repeat his reaction to the medication of surgery, and other possible negative effects of surgery. Since the Melanoma cancer has already spread to his lymph it hardly seems that surgery might have any effect on his longevity. He was in the process of getting more info and his last exam by the oncologist was a surprise that they couldn't feel the tumor, the oncologist decided to just have another pet scan for now and see the progression. Which he did a week ago, but we have no results because the doctor postponed his visit "FOUR WEEKS". I believe my husband just wants to feel good as long as possible, then when he gets sick to take a suicide pill. His stomach infection (gastritis) bothers him some since 2 rounds of antibiotics didn't heal it. H-pylori tends to be chronic. He still thinks it is just fine to touch public things others touch including the inside door knobs on public restrooms. He's wrong, yuck... He has been quiet and remote this last couple of weeks and divides his time between the news, wrestling, and hard porn.
I have been binging on high carbs and sweets and gained over 20 lbs in the last 4 months. I don't even know where to get the "want to" to get back on the wagon, and have gotten more fluffy than ever in my life. I took out the side seams in several pairs of black pants that I had previously taken in, and wear stretch pants/leggings a lot.
Our daughter and her husband came for Thanksgiving (from Arizona) and will come for Christmas also. She wants to spend time with her father while she can since we have no idea how the future will shape up. It seems we are in a holding pattern (as I get bigger and bigger).
We talk about finally getting new countertops for our 55-year-old, earthquake-damaged kitchen. He says to pick whatever material I want. As before that means that whatever I want is okay as long as he chooses it. He still wants the first choice and it better not cost a lot. I moved a lot of items from the top shelf of the lower cabinets into the dining room to prepare for the old tile to come off but maybe this is never going to happen.
Frankly, I am also nervous about the way our economy is going. I do watch Youtube to learn about water filters, dehydrating foods, etc. It's probably my escape. I try to prep a little, but he is totally against it. When I save water, he finds the bottles, empties them, and throws the bottles away. He doesn't like what I am doing (saving water, watching Youtube/computer, etc) and I don't like what he is doing (watching porn: emotional adultery). In fact, I don't think he likes me much at all. We don't spend much time talking. He sure is not a conversationalist, and does not ever want to talk about "what if". His head is in the sand in most areas of life. He also does not want to hear about friends of mine, such as they are, the economy, or much that is interesting. Yes, Youtube is my best friend.
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