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I haven’t seen the 30’s in so long. I have the biggest cheesy grin on my face... I remember when I hit the 40’s and could barely believe it.
I really can’t describe my thoughts on this process.
During the peak of my ptsd I just kind of accepted that the scale went up basically every time I stood on it... I barely even noticed it, it was a gradual and steady weight gain. I even have friends who don’t believe I was almost 170, when I discuss my new lifestyle and reasons with them. I did become a home body and I did dress much differently to disguise the weight. But now I am much closer to my goals... which is mind blogging since I still haven’t worked out, all I have done is eat less sugar and more fat... who knew?! 🤷♀️🤣
I have these visions of me being happy and healthy and wearing clothes that make me feel sexy again... I have lossed basically ALLLLLLL of my confidence since gaining weight. My whole life I have struggled with that. Honestly I have always been the type of person to not wear shorts or dresses or clothing that showed my legs or stomach... I mean I modeled and had abs and a physical trainer and still hated my body. What the heck was wrong with me? What’s wrong with me now?! I see the most gorgeous women out and about rocking clothes with confidence and always think to myself “I wish I had that mindset... I wish I loved myself enough to just wear that.” But instead I stand in front of the mirror and pick myself apart. The clothes I put on are either too tight and show my flaws or not flattering...
As I write this I know my struggles may seem petty to some or most people. But they are real and something I am slowly overcoming, something I am slowly awakening from. I am becoming more grateful of this body and trying to crush those old demons who told me I wasn’t good enough.
I do know where these awful self esteem issues came from... my mother. Which is why I pretend to love my body for my children. They don’t know my internal struggles but do know my goals to get healthier and lower my carbs, they don’t know it is to control my weight, gain energy and confidence. Because I hope to never project my insecurities onto them.
Phew, I honestly just needed to get this all out to basically move on. I will reach my goals and seeing the scale today made me realize I am really almost there and it reminded me how I got here... where I am going and why I am doing it. Who knew losing weight could be such an emotional or eye opening journey as well... my mind has been racing all morning with realizations, this post is probably a jumbled mumbled mess of typos of unfinished thoughts, but today was a healing day for me.
Today I chose to not let society, media or my past determine how I feel about myself!! Today I chose self love!!!
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63.4 kg
Lost so far: 12.7 kg.
Still to go: 8.0 kg.
Diet followed: Reasonably Well.
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View Diet Calendar, 08 February 2018:
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1050 kcal
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Fat: 78.52g | Prot: 66.20g | Carbs: 25.23g.
Breakfast: Calavo Avocado, Great Value Garden Vegetable Cream Cheese, Tapatio Hot Sauce, Parmesan Cheese (Shredded) , Kroger Whole Eggs (Medium), Bob's Red Mill Almond Meal Flour, Bacon Grease , Bertolli Extra Virgin Olive Oil, Kraft Shredded Parmesan Cheese, Cream Cheese , Onions . Dinner: Siggi's Icelandic Style Plain Yogurt, Broccoli , Fletcher's Masterpiece Dry Cured Bacon, Bacon Grease , Chicken Breast, Kraft 100% Grated Parmesan Cheese. more...
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Losing 1.8 kg a Week
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1 to 20 of 37
 Comments
What can I say Sweetie, you said it all❤️
I have goosebumps as I read, you have mastered so much!
You and your family will benefit not just because of the successful weight loss. But in your thinking!
Peace and Love
08 Feb 18 by member: 8Patty
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I hear ya! You are doing so great! And you are very beautiful—you should be proud and confident.
08 Feb 18 by member: momma6224
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with a tear in my eye.. I can you are not alone in this battle. so many of us feel the same and YOU are an amazingly beautiful woman and you are very strong. I am sorry you feel so bad but happy you are holding your head back up and moving forward. shows just how strong you are! we are here for you don't give up! "hug".
08 Feb 18 by member: cherik1
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Congrats on the loss!! Good choice on the self love.... :)
08 Feb 18 by member: Tinkerbell101
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You are not alone in this and you do need to be strong for your kids, especially since you have a good understanding of the power of social media just by being here. The difference between young me and older me is phenomenal. I wish it had been easier to instill confidence at a younger age, but here we are. Onward we go!!!
08 Feb 18 by member: Katsolo
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Oh my goodness - I can't believe I just wrote a journal pouring my heart out and then read yours, which was so similar, in a way! And we both started around the 170 mark and are now in the 130's. Congratulations - you deserve the big cheesy grin 😊
08 Feb 18 by member: Doobrie
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No, your struggles are not small or petty! I feel the same way. I hate looking in the mirror because I can never see anything good about that person. She is fat, she is unattractive, she needs braces...the list goes on and on. These are the struggles that many people deal with. My husband gets literally angry at me at times, because I am so convinced that I am some hideous beast that doesnt deserve to be loved. My whole life I was told I was too fat or too ugly, and when you hear that for 28yrs everyday, it takes time to get past it. I am 35yrs old and just now able to look in a mirror without wanting to cry. I am still not kind to myself, like I should be, but I am working on it. You are beautiful, no matter your size or shape. Its the person inside you that makes you that way, not the wrapper.
Someone here once said to me "The things you say to yourself, would you ever say them F2F to another person? To a friend? Then why would you say them to yourself" and that really touched me on a deep level. I would never tell someone I loved that they were a hideous beast, and I should love myself most of all.
08 Feb 18 by member: Klynn82
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On beauty: ''Beauty is eternity gazing at itself in a mirror. But you are eternity and you are the mirror.'' This is a quote from The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran. I think that all of us struggle. Fantastic book.... It is very difficult to put thoughts into words. I am proud of you!!
08 Feb 18 by member: clay pot baker
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I'm glad you are being strong for your kids. I still do the same thing with my daughter - put my best face towards her as much as I can - and she is 24. I know what you mean about not wanting to "pass on" your own insecurities and issues. You sounds like a great Mom! Congratulations to you are your awesome physical and MENTAL transformation!
08 Feb 18 by member: ny_shelly
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@doobrie sending you a big hug!!!! It must be something in the air, some healing energy for realizations and self forgiveness!!!
Ptsd is a powerful demon, for me it has definitely created a self destructive spiral of self medicating with alcohol and shopping and also made me very unsocial... I just lost who I was before. For me it was just the grief and guilt, it just left an empty feeling in me... making me awkward in public/social settings because “no one understands and no one ever will” and no one had the words to help me usually made it much worse when they gave me their advice or “support”.
08 Feb 18 by member: mamamc7
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@katsolo thanks for your kind words. Oh how I wish I could go back and tell my younger hotter self to strut her stuff and hold her head high because she was amazing in every way!
I let my kids be them, I let them wear what they want, act how they want and be them. Luckily for me they are well mannered little ladies and make good choices... but I just want them to be proud and confident. It makes me laugh because my kids pose in the mirror and them exclaim how amazing and cute they are... and my daughter asked me for a crop too because she likes her stomach... I wanted to say “no, you don’t need to show your tummy...” but I bought it for her and she’s just the cutest!!!
08 Feb 18 by member: mamamc7
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There must be something in the air! Thank you for the big hug - I need it today 😊. Big hugs back to you too 🤗
08 Feb 18 by member: Doobrie
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Oops a crop top...
I strongly believe females need to dress how they feel empowered and no one should tell them otherwise.
I sometimes wish clothes weren’t a thing because we either hide behind them or judge others by the materials they decide to drape on their flesh... it is just so weird to me when I really think about it.
08 Feb 18 by member: mamamc7
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@8patty thank you!!! I feel like today I hit a good turning point. A few tears, a few smiles and a few new motivational thoughts and realizations... I am feeling positive in my journey. I just have to keep choosing love and forgiveness over guilt, grief or pent up feelings!!
08 Feb 18 by member: mamamc7
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Most folks aren't as self-aware as you are - that, in and of itself, is a powerful thing to know about ourselves. The fact that you're on top of the situation, and that you're positioned to pass along a healthy legacy (in body AND mind) brings a smile (albeit, not as cheesy as yours at this moment) to my face and tears of joy to my eyes - so happy, so proud of you!
08 Feb 18 by member: From371to184
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@momma thank you. I hope to one day be a goddess beaming with confidence... I am slowly getting to a point that I can love and praise this body... I wish I had these feelings a long time ago. My body deserves more self appreciation than it gets
08 Feb 18 by member: mamamc7
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@cherik “hug” thanks!! I know I wouldn’t be here on this journey if it weren’t for this app and keeping my butt moving forward and on the right path. It’s been healing to be able to vent and let go and move on... knowing I am not alone in my thoughts and process helps a lot!
08 Feb 18 by member: mamamc7
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Thanks for sharing... and nicely done on the progress towards your goal! You are doing amazing! The road will always be bumpy but that doesn't matter as long as you stay the course.
08 Feb 18 by member: 2Big2Fit
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@from371 thank you! I often think that I am just awakening and realizing things that everyone else already knows, thinks and feels. Since living with PTSD my mind likes to play tricks on me...
WHOA, actually tomorrow will be four years since the day my life got flipped upside down. Maybe this is why I have had this eye opening morning. Maybe this is a turning point in my ptsd and healing! I choose to believe so...
08 Feb 18 by member: mamamc7
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@2big2fit thank you! Yes, the road is bumpy... but I am finding that it’s much easier to self love and accept this body than it is to fight the process. For me it makes lifestyle changes like exercise and dietary adjustments easier to follow and perform if my mind is in a better place. I think allowing myself confidence is going to be such a life changer!!!
08 Feb 18 by member: mamamc7
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