Friday and Baby It’s Cold Outside. So I’ll begin by expressing my gratitude to have a home, heat, and my little Mushy snoring beside me. Yesterday was her five year anniversary of making me her human also known as the day she stole my heart.
Thank you as always for your kind, supportive, and candid comments on my previous journal. I appreciate you visiting me, reading, and sharing ideas. In my ultimate rationalization I’ll forgive the ‘dishonesty’ wherein I’ve not only lied to myself the past year but to you as well and congratulate myself for facing reality now. It’s helping me. Maybe this will be the turning point.
I believe it started somewhere around this time last year when I began concentrating on the body changes more than the scale. So fudging my recording 5-10lbs became the norm as I worked on accepting I’m more than the number on the scale and actually seeking a number increase as indicative of muscle mass. I still believe that - so many things have improved but if the number is reflecting more than muscle I must address it and adjust. And although my waist is slimming while hips have expanded, my upper body is larger.
However, it continued to escalate. I’d finally ‘confess’ of sorts; recording a somewhat higher number a little as a time but still buffered with my justification. I can label it ‘the new math weigh in’ but I have lost track. Track of things. Important things.
This is my journal. My online support group. The place where I am to be the most candid. Being vague about age and weight in person is one thing. But here, you are my very accepting and supporting friends. And lying to myself as well as you isn’t helping anyone, especially me. Trying to gauge progress and change with a fake weigh in is ridiculous.
Still, it’s more than the number. I know that.
But earlier this week when I began reflecting on ‘what can I do today that I couldn’t do a year ago’ the physical list came up short. The mental and emotional list has extended, thank goodness. Braver. Stronger. Calmer. More centered. Creative. Loving. Forgiving. Accepting. All of these, good qualities, indeed. And modesty, haha.
However, I recognize a pattern with this mindset. It’s the habit of forgiving my ‘weight, lack of moderation in eating, complacent acceptance of the extra weight as my physical abilities decline in reaction’ all because ‘Hey, I’m a good person.. isn’t that enough?’
And indeed, it is. But it’s not best for me. I want to continue to get stronger. Be able to ride my bike longer. Stand and walk farther. Shore up my physical strength to match my emotional energy to be able to glide into old age gracefully rather than limping and breathing heavy.
It feels like self hate. To continue to eat beyond hunger, consume though hunger satisfied, snack mindlessly - it seems I am back on the cycle of feeding something in my soul. Something lacking. Empty.
I’ve considered some of my old weight loss tricks. Fast. Starve. Something to get the old ball rolling. Maybe too many ‘natural’ foods … substitute with ‘fat free, low cal, etc’. But my mind argues the cliche of ‘doing the old thing, expecting new results’. I’m not sure yet. For today, I’m having breakfast. And recording. I feel this is progress because I’m not going too far backward by just guzzling water all day.
I recognize the other ‘cycle’ that has occurred in the past when I’ve regained the weight is the confusion about ‘healthy food’. ‘It’s whole, it’s natural, it’s healthy’ replaces moderation in consumption. Portions have to be addressed. So I’ve returned to the bowls I used when I first began EWYL; a visual reminder that my stomach is the size of my fist. And I walked outside and revisited my tribute to EWYL - the glass garden sculpture I created last year as explained here
Glass Garden SculptureCooking more is helping. I know this is a killer for some but it helps me. I’m considering finding a part time job cooking for a restaurant or caterer; something to fulfill that creative desire. I love preparing food, chopping, reading recipes, enjoying the aroma. It helps me feel ‘full’ without taking a bite. Well, not many bites. I’m preparing now for Thanksgiving having invited the Firefighters and County Law Enforcement to the guest list. The third turkey in two days is roasting as I journal. The ‘foodsaver’ is getting a workout as several chili’s & beans are now frozen, stored, and ready for thawing that week. I’m anticipating around 100 people. I love a purpose.
I’m continuing to promote the two events at the Money Pit. Posters made; banners ordered; applications being requested. And after musing the ‘get out of jail free’ forgiveness cards last week Grace offered an incredible suggestion: create them myself using my own paintings and photography. I’d been considering pulling them from the already created images on the internet. How wonderful she is to suggest such a project. Yoga has already committed that she’d like to purchase several sets as Christmas gifts for her classes. Totally intriguing.
The universe messaged the word ‘core’ to me several times yesterday. In reading, posters, and a challenge invitation. I am using this word as my mantra for the next few days. Building a better core.
During yoga class last week and again last night, I felt different than last year. Heavier. Not as limber. Not balanced. I also felt my self esteem diminished as I was beside the ‘thinner’ ladies; the heavier ladies all congregate on the back row; I wanted to be there, comfortable among ‘my own’. Memory flashes from high school gym class generated slide shows on my diminishing self esteem. Several times I caught myself shaking my head as if to silently scream ‘no, not anymore!’.
I also recognized during yoga class last night I experienced a gamut of self perceptions ranging from ‘frail’ to ‘warrior’.
I prefer feeling like the ‘warrior’. The mental image of me ‘frail’ felt small. Aged. Elderly. Tired. Victim. And so began a cycle of free thinking that led to ‘if small feels frail.. weak.. needy.. am I trying to be bigger via the weight gain to feel stronger and more independent?’ Balance. I must find the balance.
Visualizing a strong cylinder shaped core. Like a battery. Energizing me. Feeding my strength in ways food will not. I do not need to be large to be in charge. I can do this. I can be healthy and not be a victim. I do not need my weight as protection. I can face this next phase of my life without my fat suit of armor or book of excuses. I will find a way.
Bella
