The funk is lifting ~ I'm still stuck in the field of apathy but can see the edge of ambition from here. Weeks like this remind me of how much more work I still need to do and I pray gratitude I've been given the time, opportunity and resources to approach it. During a most therapeutic massage yesterday I began replaying the 'timeline' again in my head... the broken record that goes:
'Let's see.. in 2004 I started losing weight the week of Thanksgiving and had lost at least a 100lbs the following 11/05 and was down to a size 2 by 03/06 but by 05/06 I was hooked on protein bars and eating chinese crackers misunderstanding how my body handled processed carbs and struggling with binge & purge in between starving to continue to lose and I had started gaining but then by 09/07 I had not regained it all yet but by 10/08 I definitely had ... so now to compare I started this time 8/12 and in that same amount of time I have not lost as much as I did but I'm working on other things so I just have to make it thru 08/15 to start feeling stronger and 08/16 to feel like I've finally made it stick .. and ...
See.. it's not all about the scale for me... or the tag on the jeans.. it's everything. I'm a number person by nature; statistics and history and not wanting to repeat it engulf me.
I won't deny that I felt relieved my snug jeans still fit today. I have no idea how much I've 'stretched' them since trying them on last time as I didn't wash them.. or ... again.. with the parameters.
I am reading and working and praying. I want my happiness to be TODAY whether I treadmill or not, the tight jeans fit or not, I ever reach that size two or not. I want ... to go to bed and wake again w/o doing math all night in my sleep or mentally flipping pages of a calendar back and forth comparing.
What do I want? Peace and Happiness
When do I want it? Now
How will I get it? Prayer, patience and acceptance
There's a passage in the book I'm reading that I can't find now.. darnit.. something about being in a group of people losing weight is the most world wide social group there is. I'll find it later. I don't want to lose the thought that occurred to me while I was searching for it.
With the above listed demands.. I want to be ... who I am .. at any size. I don't want to constantly be swinging from one weight to another. I've done that a long time. Too many times. I know bliss doesn't come with size 2. Nor was I all that miserable at size 28. I can just move better and while I've not been rendered immortal my health is a little bit better right now.
But none of it is worth the time it's taking me to write this if I destroy myself when the mental & emotional health takes a dive. Of all things I attack myself with - food is the least of the weapons but seems the greater.
Weird. But true.
Maybe because it's been the most often used? And why in the hell IS THAT? Why don't I just pick up a bottle or light up a cigarette or go overdose on some drug when I get the blues? Because it's most available? Nope, that can't be it. I have wine in the pantry. Bottles of it.
I don't even consider food the enemy. I consider ME the enemy .. food is the weapon.
I'm lost, rambling.. I need to go do some things outside my head for now. These are just the mumbling thoughts I'm sorting thru as I try to get out of the forest that is my head.
Bella
