FullaBella's Journal, 18 Dec 13

Wednesday - December 18th and I'm starting my journal over for the fifth time today - every time I get about two paragraphs in I become this huge whiney thing I can't stand to see in print. I'm doing the best I can to pull myself out of this funk but even standing in front of the mirror reciting my gratitude list and affirmations and making myself smile results in biting my lips trying to keep the corners of my mouth from turning down again. I look like a constipated Joker.

So I'm listening to French music on my Cloud and hope it lightens my mood. My little Mushy baby had four teeth extracted ... man.. she's out of surgery now and in recovery .. poor baby. That'll bill out to the tune of $600 but thankfully the DME guy helped me resell the Bipap yesterday for $1000 so that leaves $400 for get well doggie toys :-) I ordered her companion tags yesterday.

I did hear the messages (read and absorb) left on my journal and am making myself proceed more carefully with Blondie. Yes, there's a part of me that want's to screech 'back off!'. But instead, last night when she phoned a third time being nosy and trying to push me around I told her 'No, I love you, Goodnight' and hung up.

It's a tough balancing act right as I'm sure there's SOME concern but she also has an agenda. Always has, probably always will. The most recent is yakking about these great trips her friends go on in groups and 'wouldn't that be fun for US now that I don't have to stay here and take care of Dad?' Oh, and they are only $2k a person and that's all inclusive except for .. uh... souvenirs, food, beverage and transportation fees. I told her that sounded like fun (NOT) and as soon as she could save up her $2k let me know. That shut her down.

Very slow day in the shop today. How slow is it, Bella? Well, it's so slow I was able to step to the kitchen in the back, watching the shop on the closed circuit, and prepare Swedish Meatballs from scratch without a single interruption. Sad. I'm proud I was able to wing the recipe (first time making this dish for me ) by using yogurt instead of sour creme (the tub I had was molded!) and make it in a small enough quantity that I won't have 4 meals left over. I really enjoy the preparation and cooking of meals; I'm not so much for the 'thaw and reheat' of the left overs. Too much like a TV dinner to me even when it's my cooking.

The record I'm listening to (gawd, did I actually write record? ... how freaking old AM I?) - the Album is from the movie "Something's Gotta Give" and I just realized all I need to pull me out of this funk is to have Nancy Meyer's to come, stage and direct my life. Beautiful home, great cook, world famous writer, classy dresser and have two leading men competing for my attention. Only in the movies, aye?

So you know that saying that begins 'the best laid plans...' well, I'm living it today. Of all the times Cutty would frustrate me by repeatedly phoning the shop and interrupt my sales transactions, the times I did appreciate were when the 'signal' worked. Whenever I stood up and folded my arms across my chest, that signaled to him to phone me. It would help me break the hypnotic conversation of the customer wasting my time (not buying or selling) and get them on about their day. It took about a week of secretly trying to phone my shop using my cell phone to think 'oh, yeah ... duh... the ALARM on the phone.' HIS phone allows for 10 alarms; mine only 3. So I've set them up for every 1/2 hour; if I'm not sure about the customer I just snooze for 5 minutes; otherwise I answer and it helps get the yakker moving.

Today - haven't needed my 'backup' plan. In fact, I'd probably hold a customer hostage today just to be able to sit and hear a voice other than the ones in my head. So every time the alarm sounds as scheduled I can practically hear it chiming 'loser... loser ... loser.'

Crap - slipping back into the funk again. I'm outta here - time to go do some more mirror affirmations. Y'all take care now, ya hear?

Bella