FullaBella's Journal, 12 Oct 13

Confession: I feel like a complete pervert. I was photographing my birdies in the back yard this morning all the while thinking 'awe, they're playing chase and fighting...' They weren't .. uh.. fighting. Stupid me. Now I get to watch for nests and babies!

Celebration: Happy Dance! My friend, Mojo, is back! I don't know where it's been; maybe it just needed a break for a while. It returned last night.

I'd had one of 'those days' where stepping on the scale in the morning showed a 5lb increase. Despite my historical experience and logic that it was likely 'water weight' as a result of extra walking including several flights of stairs the day before it still managed to send my mood into the toilet. Still. Why is that? After all the readin' & writin' about being more than a number I am still reduced to silly-putty by a temporary irrational gain. Stupid. Still.

So of course everything else followed that same path. It seemed the conflicts were hitting me left and right and about 2pm I reached into the candy bowl. Three times. I did manage to make myself stand up (I think Mojo was inbound but hadn't landed just yet) and walk away, get some water, get some sugarless gum and get a grip but it felt shaky.

Dinner last night was hot homemade vegetable soup - probably a good 1/2 gallon in volume although mostly broth but in my usual funky moody masochistic madness I stepped on the scale again and now I'm up 9lbs! So 'the voice' started...

'That's it. You've reached that point in your weight loss when you start regaining and never stop. May as well have some of that cherry pie and ice cream. What the hell. You just weren't meant to be slim and healthy, ever. Time to pack it in while you pack it all back on.'

But, by the grace of God, apparently, Mojo had landed and cleared customs. It then grabbed me and pushed me into my bathroom and made me look at myself in the mirror and give myself a pep talk.

'No, that's not it. You're not gaining, you know it. It's water, you know it. You WILL gain if you chose to continue to eat mindlessly as you have been for weeks now. You know how to eat, what to eat, what's good to eat and what's good for your body. You've learned a lot and you need to remember it. You may not lose anymore weight but you can certainly do the things you've learned over the past year to not gain the weight back. You've got this. For the first time in your life you've achieved this the right way and you will keep it going the right way. No amount of stress or aggravation will be solved with food or candy. You deserve the happiness you've felt as you have won the battle over your eating disorders. Now, love yourself and smile.'

And Mojo was right. Overnight my heart lightened as well as my body and the 9lbs were gone. Now, that may seem like another 'just a number' happiness, but there's more.

DH requested homemade burritos for breakfast and I could practically hear my Munch-Mouth singing in the background:

Burger and bacon and fresh grated cheese,
Tomatoes and lettuce and hot refried beans,
Salsa and onion and of course, sour creme,
These are a few of my fav-or-ite things.

I began slicing and dicing and inhaling the wonderful scent of frying bacon with all the intentions of having breakfast as well when Mojo stepped in and reminded me 'Hey, you aren't even hungry. Why are you planning to eat when you're not hungry?' Then it stood by me and smirked it's reaction to the following attempts at stupid justifications:

'Well, there's only one tortilla and a small amount of stuff left.'
'DH only ate one of the two burritos I made him and I don't want to throw it away.'
'I can eat this now so I won't be hungry later.'
'I hate to waste bacon, ever.'

I didn't have any. I don't regret it either. I'm still not hungry so I definitely don't regret eating when I wasn't hungry. Whatever I do eat when my hunger finally does appear today will be fabulous. That's how it works.

Welcome home Mojo. You've been missed. I'm going to go hide your luggage now. I need you to stick around for a while.

Bells