AuntieJan's Journal, 23 Aug 11

"Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark, in the hopeless swamps of the approximate, the not-quite, the not-yet, the not-at-all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish, in lonely frustration for the life you deserved, but have never been able to reach. Check your road and the nature of your battle. The world you desired can be won, it exists, it is real, it is possible, it's yours.”
- Ayn Rand

I have this excerpt from writings by Ayn Rand on my bulletin board in my studio, it's been there for a long time along with a few other poems and quotes, including the wolf story I posted last month.

This writing has always inspired me to pick up the many pieces I may have dropped, and to not give up. "Check your road and the nature of your battle", that makes me to look around and ask myself "is this working for me?" For quite a while, apparently it was not. I barrelled down roads unheeding of any direction, and at times when I thought I was on the right path, I usually found that I was at a dead end.

Living with depression and its evil cousin anxiety often caused me to have many thoughts and emotions bombarding me all at the same time and the result was confusion, frustration, and hopelessness. Try as I might I couldn't get everything sorted out, so most of the time I operated on gut instinct alone which wasn't always the best thing I could have done. It sucked. My fire was almost completely out and any sparks were pretty darned weak.

Somehow, through the grace of God and maybe a few brain cells I still had left, I kept coming back for more. Stubborn I guess.

Getting into the right therapy coupled with the right medicine (and the right attitude) finally ended up being the very thing I needed to pick myself up once more and fight back to health and sanity, I began to see that I could succeed, that it WAS real, and it WAS possible.

It is amazing to me just how well the new modern medicines work to settle the brain down and keep the synapses firing as they should; Along with the hard work in session these drugs allow my brain to function a lot better, keeping me focused and calm. I can actually think about the road and nature of my battle and be able to make intelligent decisions on how to best proceed. I make no excuses about taking them and I'm not afraid to talk about it to others, to me this is the only way the stigma and misconceptions about this disorder will ever be known and understood. I won't ever stop my meds again as long as they help, even though my weekly time in session will soon end I will have the right tools to keep it going on my own.

My current road and battle is getting this weight off while continuing to become healthier in mind and spirit, I know how to realistically set goals and systematically work towards them instead of haphazardly making impossible promises to myself (and others) and becoming pissed off when I failed. That's the kind of stuff depression loves to feed from.

"The world you desired can be won" how exciting is THAT? Even though it might be a simple world, it still inspires me to know that this is a journey just beginning, one that is really attainable. I also know I will be up to the challenges that come my way.

I know this has been a bit rambling tonight, but I just let my thoughts come as they would and I have done my best to make some sense of them. If you read this all the way to here you probably should get an award or something, LOL! Anyway, I thank all my fs buddies I have here, you keep me going, checking my road and keeping my eyes on the prize.

IT IS MINE!!!

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2046 kcal

Fat: 63.30g | Prot: 124.47g | Carbs: 238.56g.   Breakfast: Elite Whey Protein, Publix Mixed Berries , Almond Breeze Unsweetened Milk, Crunchy Granola Bars - Oats 'n Honey, 1% Milk, coffee. Lunch: Grapes (Red or Green, European Type Varieties Such As Thompson Seedless), Nature Valley Sweet & Salty Granola Bar. Dinner: boneless pork chop, Valley Fresh Steamers , potatoes. Snacks/Other: Weight Watchers Ice Cream Bars - Giant Chocolate Fudge, corona, animal crackers, Low Carb Tortilla, pico de gallo, Boar's Head Salsalito Turkey Breast, Boar's Head Lacey Swiss, egg beaters, Smart Balance Spread. more...

3425 kcal

Exercise: Shopping - 1 hour, Walking (exercise) - 3.5/mph - 25 minutes, Resting - 12 hours and 55 minutes, Stretching (yoga) - 5 minutes, Housework - 1 hour, Sleeping - 8 hours, Weight Training (moderate) - 35 minutes. more...