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As of yesterday I have reached my 6 month mark of logging and blogging and receiving the blessings of such an awesome support group here on fs. What a year it has been in general! In a couple more weeks I will have completed a full year of counseling at the Center, first with Erin, and has continued with Rachel, probably until the end of the year.
A lot of my therapy focused a lot on my past, but also has been about challenging my thinking and perception errors in the present, and their negative results. Probably the hardest part was letting go of the crushing guilt and self-loathing I had completely wrapped myself in, and this involved some stuff that was extremely difficult to divulge.
One of the facts about clinical depression is that it does tend to run in families. Oher than myself, my father, my sister and my brother all have had struggles with it. Of the four, My brother and I have been the most successful in treatment, my sister has not really committed to it and my late dad never did.
I have been thinking about my parents a lot in the last week or so, partly because many of my fs buddies have been journaling about their own parents, either living or not. Anyway, my mom and dad were from a different generation, survived the great Depression and World War II. They did the best that they could raising us, and even though we were completely disfunctional a lot of the time we got along ok overall.
My dad was not an easy man to live with. He was an alcoholic, and even after he was many years sober he had a frightening temper which really never left him. My mom finally left him in my senior year in high school, and he systematically managed to alienate all three of us kids in the following years. I tried to reconnect with him several times, and it usually ended up with me vowing to never speak to him again. When he was in the hospital a year before he got really sick and died, I visited him and we were able to come to a bit of a truce. But we never had the kind of relationship a woman should have with her dad, or as girls in the south say, her "Daddy".
I never called my father "Daddy". To me, it was a title of love and respect, a term of endearment to be earned and not demanded. For most of my adult life, including after he passed, my heart was completely hard towards him or even to the memory of him, I had been wronged, mistreaded, yes, some would say abused, so I wore the crown of the victimized and kept it very close to me. But, despite all of that, I really did love him.
During his death and afterwards, I don't think I ever really forgave him for the crap he put me through, as well as what I saw him do to my mom and siblings. Just as I refused to call him Daddy, I refused to acknowledge the fact that he was just a messed up person dealing with life as best he could, I held on to my hate for him as firmly as a wino clutching his bottle.
So that's what I have been thinking about this week, and here is where I have come to after much reflection: It is about time to forgive, asshole. Who am I to pass judgement over someone else? It seems to me, in one sense, that just by being a human being, a child of God, that alone is deserving of the decency of respect, and honor. To not forgive or honor is possibly a disrespect against God and against His creation, and I certainly don't want to dis his Holy self! As one of my fs buds said the other day: "even God rested on the seventh day". I think He rested and took in all of His work, blessing and bestowing dignity on even the humblest creatures, including f-d up people like my dad, and like me.
As a result I now know the joy of forgiveness, both of myself as well as my father and anyone else that has ever done me wrong. It is so very freeing, and it feels really good, all the way down to the tips of my toes. I hope I can conduct the rest of my life as a whole person that has finally dealt with all of the demons of the past and has risen to walk the walk of a blessed child of God. It's all good.
I love you, Daddy.
Peace.
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1631 kcal
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Fat: 54.70g | Prot: 90.12g | Carbs: 161.89g.
Breakfast: Crunchy Granola Bars - Oats 'n Honey, 1% Milk, coffee. Lunch: Grapes (Red or Green, European Type Varieties Such As Thompson Seedless), Flame Grilled Chicken Breast, Skinless, Light Raspberry Walnut Vinaigrette Dressing, Cucumber, Mixed Salad Greens. Dinner: Beef Top Sirloin (Trimmed to 1/8" Fat), Ken's Lite Northern Italian Dressing, Tomato, Healthier Tex-Mex Beef and Rice. Snacks/Other: Weight Watchers Ice Cream Bars - Giant Chocolate Fudge, Rona Light, Graham Crackers, Dymatize Whey Protein Isolate, Almond Breeze Unsweetened Milk. more...
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3740 kcal
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Exercise:
Sleeping - 9 hours and 55 minutes, Weight Training (moderate) - 10 minutes, Walking (exercise) - 3.5/mph - 5 minutes, Resting - 6 hours and 45 minutes, Stretching (yoga) - 5 minutes, Standing - 4 hours, Housework - 3 hours. more...
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