AuntieJan's Journal, 07 Aug 11

A day of rest today. Really needed, and dare I say, deserved. I have a hard time sitting idle, but sometimes you must be quiet, sit down, and chill out. This is what I did today. No gym, no training, no yard work, nothing but rest.

I took some time to think about rest today, and consider how I feel about relaxation. In the past, I know I was busy because of my job, and I am still busy with work, but there was something else. I think I was really afraid to sit still and be aware of my own thoughts; my mind often would stray to dark places I didn't want to be in, such as being single and alone, or the abusive situations I had endured, or what a lousy person I was, or you name something gloomy or bleak and it was probably in my head.

Such is the life of someone living with depression. It loves to build upon itself and it loves to be fed, and I gave it an all you can eat buffet a lot of the time. And I fed it with things that were absolutely unhealthy for me, now that I think about it. Things that eased the guilt, and the pain, and temporarily erased the memories that I did not want to remember.

I am an active person by my nature, or as Erin would often say to me in session, it is the very essence of my being. This probably allowed me to survive myself more than anything else I ever did or didn't do to myself. I also am a fighter, and somehow, by the grace of God, I slugged my way out of those dark times and arrived into the light, and into a more peaceful, non-frenetic state.

To be physically and mentally active is a good and healthy thing, but it can be overdone and taken to the extreme, which is what I did. To work too much and think too much, and generally just DO too much robs you of an inner peace that you cannot realize unless you take the time to rest, and relax, and let the stress of life evaporate from your body. I have finally begun to achieve the balance between being a productive human being and knowing when to stop, relax, and allow myself to be comfortable in my quiet place, to be comfortable in my own thoughts, to explore what it truly means to have inner peace. It is a challenge, but one worth the effort. I am not always successful, but I do try.

So tomorrow will be another busy day; indeed, a busy week, and month, lie in store for me. But today, I have made a promise to myself, and now to all that care to read this, that I will let things go when they need to be let go of, and not try to take on the whole world by myself when it can be accomplished with others or by others. I will make the time, yes, MAKE the time, to relax, to be still, and quiet, and to go to the corners of my mind where the peace and my creative spirit reside.

I am no longer afraid.

God bless, and peace.

---

1473 kcal

Fat: 45.93g | Prot: 109.79g | Carbs: 153.04g.   Breakfast: Crunchy Granola Bars - Oats 'n Honey, 1% Milk, coffee. Lunch: Thai Hot and Sour Soup, Brown Rice. Dinner: Green Snap Beans with Craisins and Almonds, Lettuce , Tomato, Light Balsamic & Basil Vinaigrette, brown rice, Pork Chops (Top Loin, Boneless). Snacks/Other: coke zero, Graham Crackers. more...

3104 kcal

Exercise: Driving - 1 hour, Sleeping - 9 hours, Weight Training (moderate) - 5 minutes, Walking (exercise) - 3.5/mph - 5 minutes, Resting - 11 hours and 45 minutes, Standing - 1 hour, Housework - 1 hour, Stretching (yoga) - 5 minutes. more...