Adiposemann's Journal, 06 Aug 23

I wake up super early on keto, too. A few months ago, I could barely drag myself out of bed at 10 or 11 o'clock. Coffee has been a morning ritual for me for years though. 

I used to run high pressure companies, and lived on pots of coffee per day... love my coffee, but as the years went by, it started to backfire... now it makes me sleepy, unless I pound down a gallon, then I crash bigtime when it wears off. My sleep has sucked for a long time, chronic acute pain will do that, as many of us know... now I drink coffee to help put me to sleep. 

My stepson had ADHD, we used to give him a half a cup of black coffee every morning and it always chilled him out. He came to live with us when he was 10 and was on so many meds, One to knock him out at night, one to wake him up in the morning and one to keep him sorta level through the day. He slept so hard that he wet the bed every night, was two grades behind in school. Between our Dr's and the school special ed teacher, we got him off the meds and controlled with diet. No sugar or chocolate, he was manic with chocolate. He stopped wetting the bed and the year he was in 7th grade Age 15, they tested him and let him jump two grades so he entered high school with his age group. But public high school saw him fall into the wrong crowd, skipping school, drinking...he ran away and went back to live with his Mom in Texas, he's not doing well at the moment. I got a call from a bail bondsman in Houston Saturday and I had to tell them no, I'm not putting my home up for lien to bail him out of trouble again, we have thrown money, cars and other support at him for years, it's like a black hole, he's 40 now. There is nothing more I can do for him.  

That is unfortunate Debra, but it sounds like he only got a partial diagnosis.. might have a touch of Autism going on there too, since they normally sedate Autism, which comes with many complex issues, like sleep dis-regulation... and use amphetamines on ADHD to level them out from a hyperactive state. Heck, my Brother is definitely ADHD/Autistic, but got through school with no mention of it, until his last year, when they realized he had a processing issue... but no one followed up on it, since he was 18 and was no longer the education system's problem. I was diagnosed as hyper in the mid 60's, and they only had one solution back then, sedation... it didn't work, so they gave up, and just started beating me at school, to make me behave 'properly'. I went the same route he did by the time I was 10, because I had no respect for school, authority or myself, since I was not normal anyways. I was eventually taken from my Mum at 12y/o, and sent to live on a Farm. I was on behavioural probation until I was 15, because I was 'out of control'. It was an interesting childhood, to say the least.  

His mother was an alcoholic and had remarried and had another child, his step-father beat him and he had an arrest record for public intoxication at the age of 9. She threw him on a bus and sent him to us in Florida, we had no idea how bad it was for him there. My hubby had no visitation rights as he could not afford an attorney back then and spent 3 months in jail on contempt of court charges because he could not afford to pay 800.00 per month in temporary alimony plus 300.00 per month child support because he was making 4.10 per hour, that was when Texas economy hit bottom in 1984. So he lost his job, lost everything actually, including visitation rights to his son. We got married a few years later and left the state working as plumbing contractors for The Arbors apartment complexes, so we bounced from Memphis, to Ohio, then back to Memphis and then to Florida. We managed to stabilize ourselves financially in Florida, got good jobs, a house and the State garnished his wages for child support and that was fine. When we re-established communication with his mother, she had contacted my MIL and MIL called us. John had become out of control and she wanted to send him to us. So she put him on a bus in Texas and three days later he was in WPB. He was an awesome kid, kind of backwards and very doped up, but he blossomed with us. By the time he was 16 he seemed well adjusted, we had gotten his teeth fixed (they were rotted out from a steady diet of candy), he was handsome and I loved him dearly. It broke both of our hearts when everything turned sideways. We went to Texas to get him when he ran away, but because we had never taken her to court to sue for custody we had no rights to him and had to leave him there. My heart still hurts when I think if the trip home without him. 

Sorry..for that long discourse, I was actually just talking about using coffee to calm someone rather than rev them up...LOL I guess I needed the cathartic outpouring of that story because of the phone call Saturday. I'm sorry you had such a rough childhood, I feel John's was similar before Florida and he started to drinking heavily when he returned to Texas. You seem to have turned out alright in spite of your rough beginnings. What occurred to turn your around, besides going off and living off the grid 😊  

The Farm was owned by my Father.. My Stepfather used to beat me so bad, it took the 3 years to fix my lower jaw... my 'real' father was out of my life from the time I was 4 until I was 10... I got caught shoplifting shortly after I moved to his Farm, and he broke 3 of my ribs, because he was a bully and a drunk .. Mum also had to sue him for support, he had a brand new car, but payed SFA for alimony/child support... and while I lived there, I was hated on by his new Wife (the Stepmother from hell) who eventually framed me so my Father found my pot pipe... I wasn't going to take another beating, and I was 15 by then, so I got the hell out. I returned to live with my Mum, who had got rid of the abusive partner. By then she had my Brother, and so I was pretty much on my own. I paid my way by working weekends at a tire shop, then a small garage and a corner store, until I graduated. During all that, I found my saviour... Meth, so got into that for a couple of years, and it did haunt me a bit after I moved on. But it was because I craved the relaxing sensation it gave me, and because there seems to be no dopamine reward, I was never addicted, and always went to class and work, while I had track marks up my arm. Yep, my life was a barrel of laughs...  

Bless your heart, I hurt for you being hurt in a time you should have been protected and loved. I feel like John has been in that self destructive mode he is in now since he turned 18. He got married, had a couple of kids, we bought them a car we thought things had settled for him, but no, it's been one thing after another, he and his wife lost their children to the state, we tried to get them to give them a home and that did not work out, John called and said we could have the kids if we paid him 10,000 dollars. We didn't have it to pay so when time came for the custody hearing he had another couple lined up and his mother testified to the court about the fact that he "abandoned" her and John when he was a child and all of his problems were a direct result of his fathers abandonment. Nothing was said about the fact that she disappeared with John after the divorce and since hubby had no visitation rights we could not even let them know we were leaving the state to follow work. There are only so many times you can put yourself on the line for someone who simply uses you. Sounds like you have run the entire gamut of abuse and neglect. You don't need sympathy, but know that I empathize with you. 

Like my Mum used to say, if you're looking for sympathy here, you will find it in the Dictionary, somewhere between Sh** and Syphilis .. I was fortunate that I had made a circle of good friends who, for the most part, put up with my behaviour, because they also saw the brilliance. Since then I have lived an unusual adventure, I don't drug, smoke or drink... I stopped all that for good 30 years ago. Since then my impulsive nature has taken me to some very interesting places, and I have met, and learned from some very amazing people. I learned to mask a lot of my dysfunction, and made a lot of $$$ to accommodate the rest of them LOLOL  

I'm hoping our son will find his happy place and make a life for himself. I can't do it for him, hell I can't even make him change his socks!!!! He turned 40 in March, I sent him a birthday card, it was returned to sender someone scratched "He don't live here no more" on the front. All I can do is hope and pray for him. 

Oh and at 64 y/o, I just got my official ADHD diagnosis, a few weeks ago. 

I guess I could mail it again, I know where he is right now, 701 San Jacinto Street, Houston, Tx 77002. Harris County Jail (sigh) 

I still suck and doing dishes, laundry, or cleaning my apt... I now understand this to be referred to as 'Executive Dysfunction' I have way too many hobbies, and it has taken over. I used to run a multi-million dollar company, but can't do the damn dishes... just dumb stuff that picks away at you because any 'normal' person can do it, no problem... 

Hate to say it, but there is a slight chance he might get the help he needs there, so it might be the best for him... I also understand that for profit prisons like return clients, so rehab is not a big focus. I know revolving door criminals, that feel more in control in prison, than outside. 

They would not even tell me what the charges were, just that the bond was $100,000.00. I was not going to put my home on the line for him, he has jumped bail twice before. My place is not even worth 100,000.00. 13 acres and and two mobile homes a couple of cows, cats, dogs and a pony. Oye. It's paid for, but max value is 36,000 according to the tax assessors office. I hate doing dishes....and laundry, but I love to cook. I am into making messes but cleaning them up is not my strong suit. I do vacuum, frequently, I have to or we would be as furry as the dogs. LOL. Speaking of dogs, feeding time, they are all sitting here staring at me 👀👀👀👀👀 

I just did 4 sinksful of dishes.. it isn't about hating it, and am ambivilous towards dishes... I hate that I will leave them stack up for a week or so, until I am out of dishes and am forced to... but it seems to be the only time I get a dopamine reward, so it's how I work... ya been staring at the vacuum for 2 weeks now. but first I have to pick up the various piles of stuff on the floor... ooo hungry puppies are tough to ignore ;) lolol later Debra