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Really tired today after all that physical work yesterday but I managed to get to the gym and do my usual routines, the longer I do it the easier it gets to carve out a time slot in my day to do it. NO EXCUSES!
My BIL Allen is back in the hospital again. He had been in the hospital since March for several different problems, then last week moved to a nursing/rehab center for therapy. He has been a type 1 diabetic all his life (he will be 64 on Wednesday), has rheumatoid arthritis and is a double amputee of his lower legs, one below the knee, one above. So life isn't very easy for him. It makes me incredibly sad for him. It also makes me feel helpless because I can't do anything about it, and I am someone that will take the bull by its horns if need be. We are hoping that he's home soon.
Tomorrow is my session day and I will have two clinicians present, Erin who is leaving soon, and Rachel who will get the pleasure of taking on my treatment (lucky her). Last week Erin gave me a couple tasks to do, one was to come up with an idea for a kind of closing "ceremony" for the two of us (I'm working on it), and the second was to write down a list of feelings I have trouble with. The second was a bear because I have trouble with almost all difficut emotions, I know I'm not alone but I have to recognize them and speak them so that I can let them go.
She has told me I am really good about putting my thoughts down (witness copious wordage on FS journals LOL), but that she has seen that I have trouble actually expressing them. It's a fine line to be sure, and the two are certainly linked, but therapists want to make sure you know the difference between expressing a belief (thought) and expressing a feeling (emotion). I have real issues with the latter, and that's one of the reasons I decided to remain in therapy for a while longer.
The biggest emotion I have trouble with is sadness. I HATE to cry... it gives me a raging headache and reminds me of times when I would break into tears at the most ridiculous things. It yanks me back to very traumatic experiences, so I do every thing possible to avoid it. And that's not good. If I start swallowing negative thoughts AND FEELINGS again, I could end up swallowing foods and beverages that are pure poison to me. All of the good, healthy coping skills I am practicing now could so easily revert back to the really bad, really unhealthy ones from the past.
So I have to work hard on this next hurdle, it will keep me on track and allow me to progress in my treatment and to continue flushing all the nasty demons out and chasing them into oblivion. Nobody ever said therapy was easy! I keep thinking of a line from "Atlas Shrugged" by Ayn Rand: "...Check your road and the nature of your battle. The world you desired can be won, is exists, it is real, it is possible, it is yours." Slow and steady wins the race!
Onward.
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1564 kcal
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Fat: 42.23g | Prot: 94.81g | Carbs: 238.54g.
Breakfast: Oikos Organic 0% Fat Greek Yogurt, Skim Milk, banana, Nature Valley Bar Peanut Butter, coffee. Lunch: Pink Lady Apples, Boar's Head Lacey Swiss, Boar's Head Roasted Chicken Breast, Kraft Light Mayo, Flatout Low Fat Wrap. Dinner: Garlic Breadsticks, Shrimp Terriyaki Pasta Applebee's. Snacks/Other: Weight Watchers Ice Cream Bars - Giant Chocolate Fudge, planters nut mix, green grapes. more...
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3829 kcal
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Exercise:
Walking (exercise) - 3.5/mph - 30 minutes, Resting - 12 hours and 35 minutes, Stretching (yoga) - 15 minutes, Housework - 2 hours, Sleeping - 8 hours, Weight Training (moderate) - 30 minutes, Running (jogging) - 5/mph - 10 minutes. more...
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