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Keto at 3.3 on the meter today. Happy with that, its consistent. Was high 4's during fasting so to be expected. Weight same as yesterday. That was a big drop so no surprise there.
Almost chose not to journal today. Feeling a low of low days after a great day yesterday. Work was good, 2nd last day, last customer was 45 minutes late & is ALWAYS late. And always tries to excuse his lateness. I hate it when pple are chronically late. It's rude, its lame its weak:) Anyway, that took the edge off my emotions actually about being laid off. Finding a few flaws in that particular job helps me cope with all the concerns of job loss to come. Does that make sense?
A big high for me yesterday was stumbling across a much desired accessory for my truck for 1/10th of the cost to get one new, plus the challenge which I love of making something work...and work well, where it wasn't designed to work. Then I thought..thats 40 bucks for the part plus 35 bucks for the drive I don't need to spend right now. On the other hand, i've done nothing to reward myself in the 1 month today since I lost 29 pounds...I've been super disciplined and 75 bucks ain't going to make or break my life..plus the thought of a nice drive on the highway, window down and a sunny day felt like much needed therapy after all the isolation. And it was, as the small city I was going to to get the part, is kind of a resort town in the summer. (only place with a lake in probably 1/2 the province. It was a nice warm day & so many people walking around, pretty bar workers prepping outdoor decks for the upcoming season, people eating old style ice cream sundaes like its the last ice cream on earth, laughing, playing and parks people cleaning up the grass & beach areas. And just standing on a dock, smelling the open water on the lake. It was a wonderful time! I drove home, excited to work on my project and excited to find out it was going to be easier to do than anticipated. Too bad Home Depot is closed at 6. Then at 733 I look at their opening hours & realize its open until 8 now! So I zip over their, find bolts & washers I need & 1 hour later, project is done. And done well. It felt "normal" in these abnormal times. And a great sense of accomplishment. So yeah, a good day I'm trying to hold onto today and a number of silly things (some not so silly) are getting me down or annoying me today.
It starts with keto pickles and keto cauliflower grilled cheese sandwich. Both are failures in my execution and recipes. the cauliflower was not a sandwich, more like a hash as it wouldn't hold together like bread. its tasty..but tasty like having some pan fried shredded cheese would be. I got a big bunch of veggies in my system is best I could say. And the sweet pickles? I just can't get used to the taste. First, too strong (maybe my tastebuds now? Still seem very sensitive). And for sure I would NEVER make again with apple cider vinegar. It leaves too much of a taste I never want in my pickles. Good recipes I love too make and eat have been a high point of my keto lifestyle. These I have to call duds. I like my cauliflower it turns out as a veggie on my plate but I don't want it as pretend food..as potatoes..or grilled cheese bread. guess finding that out now is a good thing.
i had a replacement modem router sent as my old one was dropping out. the new one was defective right out of the box & only way to get tech support these days is using chat..which I have spent probably 12 hours on the phone with over 3 calls. So no wifi while waiting for another new router. I have no tolerance for Level q support people who remind me of pple at Home Depot who are hired because pple complain they can't find help so the solution was we'll hire a bunch of people so it looks good, but their function seems to be trying to find someone who can actually help you but are in short supply there still. Am I wrong???
I'm annoyed that the handicapped little old lady (self described) that I was going to help by shopping for her & making some easy money, has been keeping me on the for almost a week since we first talked and I've changed my schedule to adapt to her weird schedule & this has really gone nowhere at this point. she emails me pretty much everyday, saying she's going to try to be awake at 4..or 5 & would you be available then to come get cash to shop for me? So I find myself constantly having to be alert for her emails & her appearing to feel guilt about this & saying things like please don't give up on me. I need your help. I am not without compassion & I need the money. So far, I'm out 27 bucks until we finally meet as I bought cat litter as hours when I can get it may not coincide with grocery shopping. So she emails me at 1:49am to say she had EMTs come check her out cause she was so sick yesterday & even if it at this point its just to repay me for getting her cat litter she will give me 150 cash. So my first email back of course is sorry to hear you were sick, hope you are ok, still here for you. Then I'm lying there awake, thinking how I've been spending a good chunk of time & emotion reassuring a stranger who I haven't even met that I'll be there to help you out. So I email her again saying btw, yes I would thankfully accept that cash when I bring you the cat litter. Part of me wonders if this is sone crazy f'ed up catfishing story. But she hasn't asked for anything. Maybe she's lonely but has to isolate because of her COPD. In any case not working out as simply as it sounded like it would be & has already affected my life in a way which "do shopping trip for me for generous cash pay" should not have.
I'm annoyed because of comments I read from people too often that celebrate eating with a huge calorie deficit and as a keto believer you see what they are eating or lack of success with weight loss & you want to scream at them that calorie deficit eating is such a hard & flawed way to lose weight! But you don't because thats what all the weight watchers, nutrisystem etc ads teach them. "you can eat anything you want & still lose weight! Its all portion sizes!" Its not true. It just isn't. But you say nothing because they have bought the koolaid, until they finally stop drinking it.
Lastly this is all overshadowed by a wicked neckache, rear headache and I'm a baby with this as I just don't get headaches. I live with the day in & out pain of a broken back injury from 1993 without meds, yet I can't tolerate a headache. Pisses me off.
Lastly, I think I'm feeling very off & negative today because tomorrow is my last day of work. And i don't know if I will ever work again & it already is starting to feel like 2014 when I felt extremely depressed about things. If there's one thing that the psychiatrist taught me its that "distorted thinking" can easily lead to more of it.
I think I need to try really hard today to relax, take care of myself in all ways and try to shake my mood. Do you ever have a day when you go to a mall and it seems like there are more ugly pple there that day? Thats not just me. I have friends & family who've experienced that too. I think its an example of distorted thinking or a down mood.
Lastly, I believe I've gone through months of concern about the impact of this damn virus on myself and friends (except for 1 member of my immediate family, the other 4 of us are front line workers) , worry about employment & my economic survival..and the relentless pursuit of weight loss intensified by the fast & post fast need for strength & discipline to push through it.
Thanks if you've taken the time to read my verbal diarrhea, your support, understanding & patience. I really am not generally a negative person. But an accumulationn of curcumstances is weighing on me. And journaling it seems to help me. And its important for me to be real about it. Diarize not just the wins, but the losses. We can learn from everything.
Have a good day. And I'm going to try for a better day today than yesterday!
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106.8 kg
Lost so far: 21.1 kg.
Still to go: 16.1 kg.
Diet followed: Reasonably Well.
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1113 kcal
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Fat: 100.39g | Prot: 44.97g | Carbs: 10.19g.
Lunch: Mitchell's Heritage Thick Sliced Bacon, Sawmill Sesame Steak Sauce, Keto Fried Chicken, Lucerne 33% M.F. Whipping Cream, Coffee. more...
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steady weight
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