FullaBella's Journal, 09 Oct 13

I've been up since 1am with a sick Mushy. Not sure what it was. She seems settled but weak now so I'm keeping a sleepy eye on her.

I'm going through that 'what was the point' phase again because it's aggravating that after the cleaner eating, weight losing, more moving, attention to healthing I still feel like crap. But I keep giving myself that patented pep talk that goes 'imagine how much worse you would feel right now if you hadn't done all that so stay dedicated and give it time.'

Reading journals lately I know I'm not alone on this. Others have voiced disappointment their weight loss didn't yield the 'bliss on tap' expected. The bills keep coming, economy keeps crashing, and there's nothing good on TV now that Breaking Bad had their final episode. Maybe that's it - I just miss Saul.

My left leg hurts. Self diagnosis is bursitis and underlying old-itis. I went yesterday for a deep tissue massage. On intake she asked 'did you do something' (to cause the pain) and I answered, 'yeah, got old.' My right shoulder feels better but not so much the left leg because I stupidly said 'hip' instead of 'thigh' and rather than confess my stupidity just 'hoped' the treatment in one area would affect the other. Sometimes it takes a few days so am going to cling to naive optimism and hope for the best. Already planning for a follow up next Tuesday. I need this.

I scribbled volumes in my deck journal yesterday exploring a thought - do you suppose the reason so many of us cling to one addiction or another is that we ... you know what.. let me just take that back to me and not include all of you in my insanity.

I began to think about how many years and times I've justified my morbid obesity with 'hey, at least I'm a good person, pay my taxes, give to charities, earn an income..' blah blah blah. But then, when I did get down to 'normal weight' ... I'd start the regain. Was it simply disordered eating my emotions that I hadn't addressed without food?

OR... was it that without the weight I knew people would look closer at me and realize I have far more faults than I care to have recognized? That of all things the weight robbed from me it did provide a nice shield from close inspection as I knew few people cared to dig beyond the double chin.

This leg pain, for example. I have trouble bearing weight when I first stand, so I limp. After a few steps I recover but if I can't just stand and wait for the pain to pass and the strength to return, it's noticeable. I probably limped 110 pounds ago too but no one said anything about it; the other night at the dinner theater two people commented on it.

Yes, it's likely they were being kind to observe, notice and comment BUT you get where I'm going here in my own stupid head. 'Great, I've gone from the elephant in the room to the gimp in the gallery.' I don't like that.

I'll recover and adapt. I'll make it a point to stand STILL and pretend to adjust my clothes, gather my personal items, whatever it takes so that I don't limp away. And I'll stay on track and pray with time it will get better.

Until then ... ice, heat, and Netflix.

Hope you're having a good Wednesday. I'm going to go stand at the counter before I fall asleep in my chair.

Bells