FullaBella's Journal, 07 Aug 13

Thank you all for the kind outpouring of support and affection on my journal yesterday. I really do feel better after venting; I need to remember to do that more as needed. Sometimes I avoid it because I don't want to be 'Wendy the Whiner' (remember her from SNL?) But I am reminded once again that holding it in only makes it worse. Digging a hole as deep as Texas in my backyard Sunday didn't help me purge the negativity the way journaling did.

I realized part of my frustration was linked to that 'thing' I do where I expect 'this little change' to have 'that huge cause and affect' so anything happening outside those expectations is my personal issue, not just 'it is what it is'.

I'm referring to the medication I'm taking to help me get through the peaks & valleys of manic / depressive / hormonal / premenopausal / life as we know it / stress of a care taker / economic state of the country / nothing really good on TV / summer heat / holidays coming / I'm aging far too fast / they still haven't found Jimmy Hoffa / mood swings. Get the picture?

I realized that just as I had to recognize that a year of healthy eating won't reverse 40 years of eating disorders neither will one tiny little pink oval shaped pill relieve me of all that flies in my face on the average day. I still need to feel what I feel and acknowledge it and deal with it. Or take an extra pill. Slippery slope there.

Not making excuses for him but I feel the need to clarify the reference to DH's 'anger' - I realize by not giving examples or being specific there may have been some 'worst case scenarios' interpreted.

His 'bad mood, anger, ranting, etc.,' to which I was referring in my whining vent yesterday is rarely EVER directed 'at me'. It is his frustration of not being in control, in charge, not being able to walk, not being able to breathe, being stuck in a recliner, etc., which leads to him being very hard to satisfy because he's so freaking miserable day after day after day. It's like living with Goldilocks on Steriods (rarely is anything 'just right') and I'm the one absorbing it nearly 24/7 and it takes it's toll on my (albeit tongue in cheek) positive outlook on life, my day, and optimism about the upcoming Fall TV lineup.

He does very much appreciate me and all that I do for him. Once I tell him he's being unbearable *ss he apologizes. He tells me constantly that if not for me, he'd have died long ago.

Make no mistake - I am fully aware the power over life & death are above my pay grade. All I do is TRY to keep him comfortable until someone else with a higher job title makes a decision.

What I do need to do more, for me, is 1) remember to not give a sh*t when he's just venting his own frustration and 2) tell his daughter - the one hoping to inherit the mother-lode when he passes if I a) do survive him and b) don't spend it all before *I* go - to step up her game. I did tell her yesterday to sit with him while I went shopping for a couple of hours. My email read 'step up & and let me get out more or end up taking care of the both of us when I lose my flipping mind.'

Strappy sandal shopping was finally a success. I purchased a pair of pretty totally impractical high heeled black shiny shoes. Mission accomplished and end alliteration.

And that's it for today. Thank you all again for reading and being my friends.

Bella