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Totally directionless journal follows as my thoughts are all over the place today. Read at your own risk.
The first thing I need to do though is purge 'the Art Party' situation. A few weeks ago I journaled that I wondered if someone 'there' was also here on FS because it seemed whatever I journaled here was said outloud 'there'. I hope they are - so they can read what I will vent in my journal but am too polite to say in person.
'You folks are a bunch of pretentious a$$holes.' There, I said it, and wrote and will now see if FS edits my profanity as my friend Isabel assures me they will do. Edit: FS did not change it so I came back and did; maybe it just does it in comments? Hmmm...
To continue - if *I* am the only person showing interest in the session, then freaking CANCEL it as you did all the others. I do not need to be the only one there so that you can name drop and grill me. I come to zone out and mindlessly paint else I'd have gone to a REAL painting class where I have to pay attention and learn.
But now I'm going to do THAT rather than show up even one MORE night to listen to you spout off the list of 'who's who' in town as well as grill ME on who *I* know. My business is very discreet as in 'we don't talk about who I know' and I think the third time I side stepped your questions should have been a clue. By a vowel you morons.
And yes, you got your STUPID dig in with your email that followed the next day telling me you had openings Thursday & Friday this week but NOT Saturday as you are having a PRIVATE PARTY. Are you really that RUDE or are you really that STUPID? IF it's private, unless *I* ask about Saturday, you didn't need to mention Saturday. The first rule about private parties is you don't talk about private parties, right?
So, whatever your reasoning is - stupidity, insecurity or socialite wannabe - I do not wish to be a part of your little stupid parties anymore. Have a wonderful time with your secret handshake group. I wish you the best. Okay, I really don't. But I won't be there anymore.
Ok - enough of that. Vent over. Onto other stuff.
Trade show out of town this weekend - only one night away but may as well be the moon for all the preparations I have to make to ensure someone will take proper care of my husband while I'm gone.
And while a 'night away' sounds relaxing... oh, no. 15 y.o. grandson will be with me and just got his 'learners permit' so am wondering how many times I'll have to answer "NO" to the 'Can I drive' question before I leave him on the side of a remote deserted road.
I'm sure the entire trip he'll be riding shotgun hoping I have a medical emergency so he can come to the rescue under the driver's wheel. I got us a two-bedroom suite and just hope if he does sneak out at night after I go to bed he will lock the door behind him and returns timely in the morning. I really don't feel like having to chaperone or post bail this weekend.
Hormonal Hell continues. It's actually a sunny day today but I could level half the town at forty paces. Colly, you may be right, with the age and weight fluctuation colliding I could be in need of hormone replacement but for the life of me I am too freaking nervous of drugs to find out.
See, THIS is the reason I've avoided going to doctors most of my life; once I HAVE the knowledge, the diagnosis, I feel compelled or obligated to do something about it. I don't always follow physicians advice but the mere realization requires an action on my part. Either swallow the pill and deal with side effects or suck it up and accept it. Option C?
My other voice says things like 'look, if you hadn't had the labs done last summer you'd not have changed your eating AGAIN to lose the weight AGAIN and you may have pulled a James Gandolfini in Bellawood so don't knock the labwork, cookie.'
So I'll be pacing (metaphorically - not that *I* have any plans to exercise.. LOL) this weekend trying to decide if I want to ask for labs again before my 7/1 checkup. Be brave about this Bella... stop using the cymbalta calamity as reasoning for avoiding prescriptions the rest of your life.
And wrapping up: pictures. I'd sworn I would not do 'before and after' pictures this time but I did take one in Nov at 50lb loss and another the other day at 100lb loss and the difference is BARELY noticeable ... why oh why did I compare them?? I swear, right now I'm a freaking menace to myself with the depression and what seems an uncontrollable need to go out of my way to create havoc on my world. Nonetheless, I know it's noticeable because others have commented so apparently I suck at picture taking. I must have had 'fun house' mode selected on the Nikon capture or something. Yeah, that's it.
I'm really tired today despite sleeping well last night. Sleep tip: Lays potato chips. Yup. I had a craving last night and finally got a small bowl of them. FELL asleep with them in my hands but did that stop me? No, N.O. I woke up and finished them off. Need to look up DUH in the dictionary to make sure I spell it right when I have it tattoo'd on my hand.
That's it. That's all. Move along. Nothing else to see here.
Bella
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 Comments
I never had to deal with smalltownitis - the need to know everyone else's $#!+. I've always been able to maintain a comfortable level of anonymity. But I think it would drive me crazy. Sorry to hear you still aren't feeling "normal". These menopausal years suck. And I can't say there's any trade off or justification, no silver lining. They just suck. Your trade show may require a lot of preparation before you can get out of Dodge but I'm sure the change of scenery will do you good, regardless. It should be fun to see how the time plays out with your grandson. He must enjoy your company, though, or he wouldn't want to tag along on the trip. So you must be doing the Grandma thing right! Falling asleep with chips in hand? I don't eat chips very often (not because I don't like them but because I like them too much!) but I've never found they had sleep inducing properties. Although, I normally inhale them so quickly that there's no time to notice much of anything :/ Your before and after picture fail has got to be either your own critical eye not allowing you to see the difference or an unflattering angle/pose/outfit. 50 lbs does not go unnoticed. I hope you have a better day, my dear. Hang in there.
20 Jun 13 by member: evelyn64
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Option c....perhaps a peak at bio identical hormones to smooth out the tough edges? Life is way too short for small town bs. I am thinking an art party should be a celebration of creativity not who s who.. that conversation would kill my creativity. How on earth did you fall asleep with chips left? A feat totally unknown to me .chips in bowl equals chips gone.
20 Jun 13 by member: sharonfriz
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Wow Bella!! Maybe you need to find another class...lol One that is only interested in teaching and not all the other crap. You certainly don't need the drama in your life. These classes were supposed to be fun and relaxing not stressful. Time to quit I think.. I know how kids are when they first get their license and I'm sure your grandson will be no different but I think it is wonderful that the two of you get to spend time together. Cherish it and have fun!!!
20 Jun 13 by member: chattycathy1955
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What is this chips in a bowl you speak of? They come in bowls? I thought they only came in bags! @creating havoc in ones own life. I don't know why either, but I do it, and a lot of the people I know do it. It seems to be the human condition. AT the very least, you are not alone in doing this-small comfort, but it should at least assuage some of the guilt you feel over it. The phrase "my own worst enemy" has been around for quite some time so it clearly isn't just the two of us. Things will get better. And yes, they'll get worse from time to time as well. We muddle through as best we can.
21 Jun 13 by member: CollyMP
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Bella, have you ever gone to a health food/vitamin store? Most of those places have people that can help you decide on a natural supplements for menop. I took black cohosh going through mine and it helped a lot. But that was me. Just stay away from soy based. Not good for you long term.
On another note, find an artistic group that is more in line with your living outlook. Your extracurricular activites are supposed to be fun and relaxing. Don't need the BS from the current one for sure. I find the older I get the more intolerant I get of ignorant people. Have a fun weekend with your grandson.
21 Jun 13 by member: cjmurph
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Good luck with the grandson, I know you'll sleep with one ear open all night! I also think you could teach yourself to paint because you just don't need those people in your life. Please keep telling yourself that this hormonal hell does get better.....but in the meantime may I suggest you try 5000 units of vit D daily for a couple weeks. Hope you are feeling better soon.
21 Jun 13 by member: 2toofat
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FullaBella's Weight History
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