FullaBella's Journal, 01 Jun 13

Thank you all for the comments, shared experiences, insight, pep talks, encouragement and support on my journal(s) yesterday. As silly as I feel I'm proud to report I did not fall off the wagon yesterday.

This morning I feel better. The sun is dancing in and out from behind the clouds and I cannot deny that has a noticeable positive effect on my outlook; I am going do a little cursory research into this 'cloudy day depression' thing going on - maybe it will be as simple as a 'happy light' to cure. Hopefully today being the first day of June our cloudy days will be on hold for a while.

After journaling about my 'want to eat & what's it all about' anxiety I headed out to what I consider the Mecca for Stress Survival: Walmart. Nothing like the crying babies and being bumped with shopping carts to redirect my focus.

The first thing I did was put two cases of bottled water in the cart. I estimate a 24ct case of 16.9oz to weigh 25lbs so an extra 50lbs weight in the cart to push around the store as I thought about having taken twice that amount off my body and considered how it would feel to put it back on, yet again.

I had a list but just walked slow and looked at the food. Food on every aisle in every color. An overload of sensory stimulation of food without actually eating any of it. If something sounded 'really good to me' I put it in the top basket of my cart and pushed it around until I found the 'next great thing' and swapped it out. Yes, I'm the woman in Walmart always screwing up the inventory.

And, yes, I'll confess, I looked at the people. I watched people tossing food unenthusiastically into their carts, limping, sighing, tired. Yes, they could have just worked 12 hours and weren't using food shopping as therapy like me. But it reminded me of how I shopped in the past. Grabbing food and filling a cart with no thought to the nutrition, benefits or health. And I remembered where it that got me.

When I saw the live version of what I'd just journaled about it didn't seem to have the same allure. There wasn't a 'mama mia, I'mma gonna eatta alla dis food and have da best time of my life' emotion going on. It was, as is really is, just food plunked into a basket.

The produce section reminded me of Times Square at rush hour and I'm the little old lady crossing against the light. I really take my time picking out my produce. By that point, my appreciation for healthy food had returned and sustained me even when I hit the bakery aisle and stared down the double layer cake with creme cheese frosting that had me in such a frenzy yesterday. Gone. No craving; no feeling of deprivation.

So, the journaling helped. The food shopping therapy helped. The walking examples of what I want and don't want to be helped. And you, my friends, you helped. I'm glad I came here when the anxiety hit. One day, one bite at a time.

Thank you all again,
Bella

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2064 kcal

Fat: 105.10g | Prot: 120.51g | Carbs: 170.65g.   Breakfast: Dry Roasted Pistachio Nuts (with Salt Added), Grapefruit, Baked Beans with Pork (Canned), Creamed Macaroni with Cheese, Pork Loin (Country-Style Ribs), Chicken Thigh, Enza Jazz Apple, Blue Diamond Natural Oven Roasted Almonds - Butter Toffee, Gouda Cheese, Baby Spinach, Onions, Poblano Pepper, Bell Peppers. more...

1903 kcal

Exercise: Sleeping - 24 hours. more...