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"Wouldn't this be a great world if insecurity and desperation made us more attractive? If "needy" were a turn-on?"
That's a line from one of my favorite movies: Broadcast News. While I'm Aaron inside, I'm totally Jane on the outside. A pushy, demanding, obsessive controlling closet nutcase. I'm not being hard on myself. This review comes from my friends & family who point at me everytime the movie airs.
So in the spirit of pushy Jane - my team members may stand down. No late night meeting this week. I finally stepped on the scale after a week of ignoring it and can record a 2lb loss.
But more than that, I can record a week that began with a little nervous hesitation from not grabbing my crutch (scale) multiple times throughout the day. The hesitation evolved into a feeling of emancipation and that finally settled into liberation.
And with the freedom of that liberation, I'm actually getting some good work done. I'm thinking about my life and health based on more than a number. I have faith the number will take care of itself as long as I continue to eat correctly. My mood has not been dependent upon a needle moving back and forth.
Granted, had the needle gone in the opposite direction this journal would have started on a completely different note. Likely one of 'what the heck happened... I'm still at a deficit... could it be that 'thing' I ate that 'day'? Hence the 'desperation' quote at the beginning.
But as I continued to record everything I ate (to the best of my ability including my meal out plus a very odd craving for the crispy roasted fat part of a prime rib I cooked Sunday) I felt it was important not to give in to the temptation of allowing the scale to validate my life.
I knew there would be a day of reckoning so that kept me on track. I just don't need reckoning daily - it's too frustrating.
So for this journal, I am already telling myself if the scale does go up next Wednesday - so be it. The scale will STILL go back on the chair in the laundry room for another week. I will just say to myself as Jane would say: Just what do you want from me anyway, permission to be a fake? Stop whining.
Should two weeks in a row of gains occur then I'll call a team meeting. So y'all can stand down and relax ~ we are at level one for at least two weeks.
Also, when I noted the loss this morning, I immediately began composing my journal in my head ala 'well, meeting with the boss went pretty good' as I'd compared the scale to a boss in my journal last week.
Well, maybe it was the boss for the past 5 months. Today, it was demoted. No inanimate object will be the boss of me. It's a tool. Just like my toothbrush. Still of the status to be checked on weekly but no more daily. I'm not one to micromanage. The scale, that is. I still brush my teeth twice a day.
But I still have a bag of tricks. I'm no where NEAR healthy yet. You're not getting rid of me that easy.
For example, I set my RDI at just about the same as my RMR. I figure if I don't exceed 'that' for the day, I may not lose weight but I shouldn't gain. Also, because I know my mind plays tricks with wanting to 'eat less to lose weight' it actually TRICKS me when I see my RDI at 58% or 65% of my RDI. I'm still below what FS calculates I should have, and... crazy as it is, that one is working for me.
If this actually reads as if I'm chipper today - I am. Not because of the weight though. The SUN IS SHINING! I cannot believe how much that affects my moods now. In the past, I found a cloudy day invigorating. NOW, either thanks to age, hormones or a bad economy, I get so depressed I'm pathetic.
Sunshine in February ~ I'll take it!
Thanks for reading. Have a good day.
Bella
PS - for those of you who are even earlier bird risers than me, let me be the first to wish you Happy Valentines Day tomorrow! Hope you all get plenty of roses and diamonds!
View Diet Calendar, 13 February 2013:
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1419 kcal
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Fat: 45.22g | Prot: 119.97g | Carbs: 135.15g.
Breakfast: Chobani Blueberry, Raisins, Coconut Oil, Quaker Old Fashioned Oatmeal, Coffee, Flax Seed. Lunch: Sabra Hummus, Whole Spicy Pickles, Albacore Tuna Chunk. Dinner: Italian Green Beans Allens, Schwan Salmon. Snacks/Other: Prime Rib, Fage, Cottage Cheese Food Club, Schwan Triple Berry. more...
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