FullaBella's Journal, 06 Nov 12

Trying again ~ as FS errored out when I tried to post my journal earlier:

While having the nerve to put this in print will likely have some people label me a Be-Witch I am going to say it anyway because those people may not know that I have had problems with food all of my life that included both ends of the spectrum from anorexia to bulimia and inbetween just total food binging. So here goes:

I'm having trouble making myself eat and it scares me because I want to keep my metabolism up throughout this journey of healthy food translating to healthy weight and I don't want to fall into my old TRAPS of not eating because I know where that gets me.

Yesterday I wrote that my goal was to exceed my 1400 RDI to 1600 or 1800 but by the end of the day I barely had 75% of the 1400 and had to force myself to eat an apple & yogurt.

NO, I'm not proud of this.

Sure sure, I've had dinner with my THIN friend for years who can eat TWO bites of something and then push it away 'oh, I'm so full.'

And many times, while she is still my dear dear friend, I often wondered if she wasn't making some subliminal remark about the way I was scarfing down my meal that was 10 times the quantity she was eating.

I definitely saw a different tune the day we had dinner when I had embarked on this current journey - I only had 1/2 of my Bacon Cheeseburger & Onion rings (( it was my 'anything goes' day)) and as it sat there on the plate, getting cold, she finished off not only her whole meal but my onion rings too.

Wait... she's cleaning up MY left overs? What gives?

But it was interesting. Maybe she'd craved to taste my meals the whole time but I was eating like a ravenous bear and she never had an opportunity??

ANYWAY ... I did manage to get my apple and yogurt down during which the voices in my head were having the typical 'parental' argument of 'don't make her eat if she isn't hungry' vs 'if she doesn't eat, she'll fail at her weight loss... do you want THAT to happen?'

And once again, I'll toss out the disclaimer - I never said I was sane.

So I finally reached 1200 cals and went to bed thinking 'ugh.... I didn't make my goal, I'll make up for it tomorrow.'

But this morning - same thing. I'm sitting there with my wonderful oatmeal with cinnamon & dannon yogurt and I'm halfway through it thinking 'I really don't want any more of this'.

And yes again and again that would be GREAT if it were flapjacks but I KNOW I need to eat this food to stay on track.

Just interesting ... I feel my old tricks trying to trap me and I'm battling the heck out of them.

So I usually front load my 'snacks & others' but don't always get them and did NOT want to get to the end of the day to try to get in 500cals in just 'night snacking' so I did make myself finish my breakfast. Then I made myself go get a mid morning snack. Lunch was forced down ~ it was GREAT - (grilled salmon on mixed green salad) but I had to fight not to dump it in the trash only 1/3 through.

And no, it's not because I'm craving 'something else' or feel this doesn't taste good. I liked it.. just didn't want it.

Sooooooooooo...... one of the voices in my head is saying 'your body is telling you it doesn't want food!' Do I listen to it or not? I'm trying to ignore it. I think it's trying to trick me.

And on final note ~ I am trying to help boost my metabolism too by going against everything natural to me and be more active physically. No marathons for me but I did play volleyball on my PS3 last night.

When I recorded it in my exercise diary I only gave myself 10 mins because I know my 30 mins in the living room waving a wand doesn't equate to a real game in the sand. No more than that skinny little Avatar half my age & size equated to me waddling around in the living room laughing. I had a great time (I have no life) but NOTHING in me would ever make it possible for me to leap above a net like that ~ even when I reach my goal weight.

Ahh, another day ... just me & the voices :-)

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1540 kcal

Fat: 34.33g | Prot: 91.42g | Carbs: 219.19g.   Breakfast: dannon greek, coffee, flax, quaker oatmeal. Lunch: Wheat Thin Flat Bread Cracker, Schwans Alaskan Salmon, Salad, Tomatoes, Kosher Dill Pickle Spears, Cucumber, Spicy Mustard . Dinner: Smart Squeeze Butter, Tomatoes, Wheat Toast, Egg White Omlette 1 Egg Plus 4 Eggwhite w/lowfat Cheese. Snacks/Other: Fiber One - Eve Snack, Schwan's Whole Strawberries - Dessert, Sugar Snap Peas - Afternoon Snack , Dannon Light & Fit Blueberry - Night Snack, Stacy's Bagel Chips - Morning Snack, Apple - Afternoon Snack. more...

3489 kcal

Exercise: Shopping - 1 hour, Resting - 3 hours, Sleeping - 8 hours, Sitting - 6 hours, Desk Work - 6 hours. more...