JayRedux's Journal

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28 June 2014

So my scale arrived and I weighed myself and was pleasantly surprised to find I now weigh 210 pounds!

My starting weight was a guesstimate of 217 taken from multiple tries on my wildly varying cheap old scale, a try with clothing at the grocery pharmacy balance scale, and a 4 week previous accurate weight at my friend's Vancouver Island home of 225.

So now I really now where I am!

Just prior to the arrival of my scale I was out for lunch with a group of friends and one woman-walking behind me commented I had lost weight. It was quite a boost but I also appreciate that she is aware I have been dieting and is a "positive encouragement" kind of a person.

Weight:	Lost so far:	Still to go:	Diet followed:
95.3 kg	0 kg	11.3 kg	Reasonably Well

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27 June 2014

Lunch out yesterday, NO idea how many calories I consumed. I wasn't even really judicious in my eating, not that I pigged out and all of the dishes were vegetarian but I did have a lovely spring roll, flaky and delicate. so 'dry' I might of been fooled into thinking it wasn't deep fried. Over all though it was a celebration with 3 lovely friends who have recently graduated and that's what life is all about.
Home in the evening after a late lunch wondering what to eat as I was alone and craving poor choices. I ended up making a shake of the quickly ripening strawberries and almond milk. I did add a tsp of sugar but it still made for a low cal snack and seemed indulgent - which it was as there were $2 worth of berries in it!

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20 June 2014

Have to journal today. It's all about feelings so please, look away.

I WANT toast and BUTTER. I feel like I NEED a good greasy feed. I WANT to be thinner and to feel better and right now I am neither. I know it will come. If I had a scale (WTF!)I might see some results. I have been pretty diligent in keeping track of my food choices and examining what the impact of the choices is - I love that feature of this place. Looking back I see my consumption of veggies has gone down so I have to keep an eye on that.

I have found the indulgences to be a disappointment. Yesterday I had bacon and eggs with fried potatoes at an old favourite hang out and it was pure disappointment.Bacon simply fails to deliver these days. I don't know if it will be my quest to continue to look for the crispy salty delight that has tempted me all these years or to simply give it up-period! Who ever heard of a bacon eating vegetarian anyhow?-poor little piggies - OK so they are nasty dirty critters that stink to high heaven but really quite engaging on a one on one basis once you get to know them but I digress.

The eggs yesterday-greasy ! So much better at home lovingly scrambled with a titch of butter. The white toast - under-toasted floppyfactory bread and white not golden, with islands of salty tasteless fat. A far cry from the good quality bakery bread available at home, spread to the crust with once again, tasty sweet butter; and the legendary fried potatoes - tough and salty - HOW does a fried potato get tough? The subtle mix of spices that included mustard and cinnamon replaced by a reddi mix of onion and celery salt. Same owners, disappointing developments or, devolvement. So I ate the food and was disappointed. I ate most of it hoping , and over all it seems to be the case that I am searching for tastes I can't find. Anyway I have pretty well sworn of bacon because I can see the impact on my RDI chart and the taste just isn't there.

I gorged on licorice Twizzlers the other day. That brings it's own punishment but I see this indulgence as a 'work around' for the way I am feeling. Carrot sticks and peppers is not going to quell the need I have to EAT! I want a loaf of fresh buttered bakery bread, I want chip-truck fries-I want a bag of ripple chips-I want melted cheese on french bread, I want garlic bread, scalloped potatoes, fried rice, and lasagne!I want the salty versions of all these foods and no low cal understudy of the real thing will make me happy.

I look at the way I have been going off track and ask myself 'Is this self sabotage?' Don't I want to succeed this time for the sake of my current self and my future self, for my self-esteem and pride and I feel weepy and tired. I want my mother to be well. I want my feet not to hurt and my back injury to be over. I want my body aches from physio to be a distant memory. I want to feel happy and these things weigh on me. My job situation weighs on me, my back injury gets me down and I want my mother well and she never will be, and I hurt all over and I can't walk this feeling away and I don't want to eat it away either, really I don't.

I am tired and sad and there is no solution in food and I am an emotional eater and I feel bereft. There is ice cream in the refrig and I don't even care. I have let the bread get stale and the remaining dab of butter is frozen. I haven't touched peanut butter in 2 weeks and over all I feel like I have lost my last friend. I guess I wonder what's left when one takes comfort in food and then no longer find comfort there. I am not suicidal or anything extreme, so don't fear for me. I have a good support if I choose to reach out but I am sad and achy and achy and sad.

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14 June 2014

Well yesterday reaffirms the results of bad planning and allowing to get over hungry.
I had a lunch date with a friend. She is intolerant of wheat so this limits our possibilities and we chose, at my suggestion a nearby pizza parlour. She ordered the gluten free pizza and I the julienne salad ,hold the ham because of my preference to eat vegetarian. Given the options I was proud of myself but pride goes before a fall. . . the salad arrived covered in dressing in fact swimming might have been a better term! They even seemed to have tossed it so it was worse than I first suspected! The dressing went right down to the bottom of the bowl. It was an oil and vinegar emulsion with a few herbs and too sour for me in spite of the oil. A better woman than I might have returned it to the kitchen but I didn't, partially out of embarrassment and a general need at that moment not to rock the boat. So lesson learned - ASK for dressing on the side!
after our already late lunch I had errands to run and by the time I got home and the lovely groceries unpacked it was after 6 pm and I was famished . Over all my choices were not bad except for the binge on bread and butter. . . which was BAD and put me 25% over my RDI and well over my personal choice to stay at 1800 calories . Today however is a clean slate and I have recorded my intake yesterday as accurately as possible and am not hiding my binge and have taken ownership of my actions. On to a well balanced breakfast!

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13 June 2014

So it has been a great few days over all. I am enamored with the capabilities that Fat Secret provides to me. Learning the difference 2 eggs and one toast makes over 1 egg and 2 toasts - naturally with the accompanying butter-in the daily attempt to balance protein, carbs, and fat is very empowering. I LOVE that pie graph at the bottom of the daily food calendar!

It is amazing to notice how good I feel on less calories when the balance is, if not bang on is, at the very least much better than before. I love that with care I can get to the end of the day not feeling deprived or hungry and still stay within my RDI.

In little over a week I can see the changes in my nasty belly area! It is no illusion not figment of my imagination!! I don't have my weigh scales yet and my starting weight was a guess based on the best 3 out of 5 on the cheap old scales we have but I have ordered new ones through Amazon and if all goes well I will have them today so I can really track my weight loss.

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JayRedux's Weight History

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