This is how I looked before I decided to lose weight and understand how to treat my body in a way I wanted. I am not near perfect now, nor do I assume that weight loss equates happiness for people -- I dislike this cultural myth, especially for women.
I know now that I personally associate food with love, and that I binge eat my feelings when I feel a loss of love or despair / stress / culpability / self-judgement / [insert a whole bunch of stuff here]. Part of my journey is learning what is real and what is not, including what is real "food," real "hunger," and how to recognize impassioned, self-sabotage so I can flip them to what is positive for me.
I see this today and I just hurt knowing what's behind those eyes. I see my pain. I recognize so much unresolved trauma behind that size 20 dress, stuff that tormented my subconscious and still gets hold of my thought patterns to this day. I see who I was before therapy, before hitting the bottom, before finding god, before healing, before finding myself, before I made countless positive choices for my life.
Now that the MSW is over, maybe I can continue reprogramming my neuro-linguistic and habitual cognition(s) to continue this weight loss journey. I was not done with that mission. It got interrupted with graduate school. I said I was going to lose 100 pounds, and I still haven't met that goal. Yes, it has been 8 years... (this picture was taken a few months before health complications pushed me to lose weight)
... but I don't care how long it takes to get to that 100 pound loss. I haven't lost sight of the objective.
This picture is a good reminder that the weight loss is not about the vain or the physical. Fitness to me is about uncovering, discovering, and re-imagining my SELF with the light of love - for the body, for the sacred, for the miracle of life, and making the best of it all before I die.
