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I read Kate's blog and Steph's journal entry for today and it really started me thinking about all the things that have happened in my life to make me who I am. My self image has sucked since I was in my mid-teens.
My father was to blame for much of that but my mother didn't help. Of course, much of what he was throwing at me was caused by medical issues that weren't recognized until recently, but I've lived most of my life buying into the notion I was lazy, unambitious, basically a failure in life, due to my father's estimate of me. (He died of breast cancer when I was 21, so these issues will never be resolved with him). I thought my whole life that I was remembering as a child would, and that he couldn't possibly have been that hard on me. Recently, I've been reconnecting to my younger (by three years) sister through writing and she said she never understood why daddy was so mean to me. It wasn't just my perception. Apparently, he really was.
I think, that like Kate and Steph, I really need to start delving and bringing all of these buried feelings and perceptions to light.
View Diet Calendar, 19 February 2011:
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1232 kcal
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Fat: 36.97g | Prot: 65.70g | Carbs: 171.04g.
Breakfast: Quaker Oats/Old Fashioned, Diet Cranberry Juice, Truvia, Smart Balance, Scrambled Egg, Almond Milk, Coffee, Fasting Glucose 94. Lunch: Uncle Ben's Natural Whole Grain Brown Rice, Apple, Carrots, Smoked Turkey and Cannellini Bean Cassoulet. Dinner: Scrambled Egg, Nonfat Cottage Cheese. Snacks/Other: Peach Mango Green Tea, Dark Fudge Chocolate Chip Kettle Corn. more...
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2513 kcal
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Exercise:
Sleeping - 8 hours, Resting - 15 hours and 30 minutes, Walking (slow) - 2/mph - 30 minutes. more...
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 Comments
I had a grandmother who was very cruel to me and I never understood it. Later I found out is was because she really harbored a lot of resentment toward my father and I reminded her of him. So not fair to a kid- you can't help where your genes come from. It is so strange that adults can be so horrible to children. And whether or not they were cruel due to meanness or cruel due to mental illness really makes no difference. I almost feel like cruel due to mental illness is harder because you can't even really be made at them, just sad. But it doesn't hurt any less. I do think it's important to acknowledge what we were hiding from behind eating and weight so we can leave it behind once and for all.
19 Feb 11 by member: k8yk
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Hi Johanne! I was so sad to read about the unfortunate events in your life, but really glad to see that you're facing them and realizing that it wasn't you at all and that you're such a better person than you had thought originally. It's very hard to go back and look at the times we hurt the most, but it's those inststances in our lives that really make us stronger. I'm proud of you and I know you're better by just reading these few journal entries! Keep up the wonderful work!
19 Feb 11 by member: joannadexl
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If you get a chance read the book Losing your pounds of pain by Doreen Virtue -it really helped me in my healing process. Abuse comes in many forms and can happen in any time of our lives - it helps you understand the links to your now and your past.
19 Feb 11 by member: triaby
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I applaud you all for being able to put all this down on "paper". I think about it lot and I have known for years where this all stems from for me but I think I have a ways to go relative to journaling about it.
20 Feb 11 by member: HealthyBabs
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You're all so kind. Kate, I'm sorry about your grandmother. It's true. It's not fair to the kids. Triaby, I will look for the book. Babs, I think I need to do a lot more journaling. I've been thinking about it a lot lately, especially since I was finally diagnosed. I really bought into my dad's crud, because I thought everyone was as tired as I was, and they were obviously much more functional than I was. Therefore, I MUST be lazy. I know now my life would have been so different if I had been diagnosed as a child. It's very sad, but I plan to use the rest of it, however many years that may be, much differently.
20 Feb 11 by member: Johanne
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