peeperjj's Journal, 21 Oct 18

Yup, tell you anxiety who's boss, baby! 

Sorry it's been causing you anxiety - but you're on the right track - a few calories here or there isn't gonna make a difference whether they're logged or not. :) 

Easier said than done some days! But I’m working on it. 

Surprisingly I’m about to log all the extras from today. No anxiety at all. Probably because I’m dragging (super tired) after practice, running to two parties, quick shopping and my run/walk. If those silly kids would hurry up and go to bed I’d quickly follow them!  

you are 1 tuff cookie mate! I suffer anxiety as well and know how crippling it can be. but I just fake it till I make it now😆👌 

My counselor saw my ‘happy face’ fall the other day. She was suprised lol. When my parents started passing I learned that ‘how are you’ meant ‘say okay so I’m not uncomfortable and we can talk about something else’. Plus I couldn’t put my feeling onto older family members who truly did want to know. My counselor said I’m like a bottle. I keep stuffing stuff in and then sometimes it bubbles right up and out and as soon as there’s an inch of room I stuff everything back in and repeat. She thinks my anxiety is because of that and because from 2011-2018 ive lost three parents, had a kid, 8 surgeries, 8 chemo, family with NO boundaries, people sabotaging my diet, my health and my feelings... just to name a few lol. I’m not tough. I’ve never been that strong. But I can only deal with so much at one time! I deal with the most important and the rest can wait. 5 years and 2 months I’ve put things off like cleaning out moms house. I’m weak and I’m okay with that 👌. Whatever it takes to survive until I can get to a place that I can thrive 😁.  

Keith, have you found anything that works for your anxiety? I believe I have anxiety attacks but my counselor has yet to see so can’t be completely sure. Anxiety attacks, panic attacks, ptsd type thing or something else. Smoking used to help and now just takes the edge off. My antidepressant takes the edge off the daily silly anxiety for the most part. Beer helps but it’s kinda hard to grab a beer at every family event or at 9am haha. Plus my oncologist doesn’t want me drinking. In fact nobody wants me drinking and I’m a happy drunk! 😵 <—-that’s the emoji for drunk hahaha 

I have not had an attack for a long time, I used to get alot when I was working for a company called JB HiFi, hands down the worst company I ever worked for. Treated staff like complete garbage,the place was so poor on safety and OH&&S(occupational heath and safety)and their expectations are way to high. I would be expected to run the storeroom single handedly....won't go into what roles that entails but it would very often mean I needed to physically be in 3 places at once.... The day I quit felt amazing 😄 and I had a little victory, gave them no notice what so ever got a job 2 days later and they paid me all my entitlements which they wanted to withhold because I quit without giving them notice. What I do now is avoid triggers and it works for me. If I can feel anxiety coming on I just walk away. Regardless of where I am or what I'm doing. That and like I said, I am getting pretty good at faking that I'm not a nervous wreck lol 

You strike me as a heaps strong individual... So you like me are a great actor? I definitely wouldn't have picked you for someone who suffers from anxiety.  

Lol. I’m supposed to walk away too. I can do that half the time. With kids I can’t walk away from them mostly. One follows me!! I also don’t want to hurt anyone or upset them so again I stuff it down and that works sometimes. I’m learning that my insides can be messed up with anxiety but when not at home I can usually stall out outburst for awhile. Unless I’m constantly pushed. And everyone in my household except one pushes me after I say I need a break. Even the adult! But he will be working on that soon or his life is about to become much more uncomfortable 😉. I’ve found that deep breathing helps some. Sometimes being highly physically active helps. Chopping wood works quite well. I can be active, complain etc until I’m calm or I’m so tired I’m about to drop lol. We are working to find out what my triggers are right now. Some involve the kids and those can’t be helped I guess. A few are my own doing like thinking about things I can’t control or wish I could change in the past. Those are the ones I can work on myself with no help 😉. So sorry you had to deal with that crappy stuff at your old job! I’ve had similar but nothing to that extreme! 

Lol. Maybe. My art teacher I’m high school said I should be an actress because I’d as good at hiding my true feelings when I was upset or hurt. I had to be pushed to flat out anger before I’d say anything. I’ve found that it does no good to be honest when you are upset. They just get defensive and angry then we fight. Easier to say once that something bothers me then leave it be for awhile ;). My counselor couldn’t believe I had anxiety either at first. I started telling her how it felt and now she says it’s anxiety but the actual outbursts could possibly be something else on top of the anxiety 😳. Just want to figure it out and get it under control.  

I’ve also noticed that our families don’t like to think about me not being ‘normal’. One said ‘it’s not depression. You don’t need meds. You need to figure out how to be normal and happy without all that stuff’. Lol he meant well but after I laid out a few things for him he said maybe counseling was right for me as I had said lol. He wouldn’t agree that some people just need medication for imbalances. Of course he drinks a ton along with 75% of my family and that’s their ‘medication’.  

No idea if it's your thing but a book that changed everything for me was called "a new earth" by Eckhart Tolle. After reading it I realised that we are not our emotions, it's hard to explain its a penny drops moment kinda thing. But if when your angry and you know your angry.... Your not angry your the thought process observing the anger. I can't explain it well but it makes sense to me now hahahaha 

I’ll check it out. I’m not really big on self help books at the moment. I’ve bought many and nothing changes when I’m the only one that changes lol. If I have time to read now I prefer silly romance or things with vamps. Stupid stuff that lets me stop thinking for awhile. Right now I’m in the middle of one but I’ve put it aside the last several weeks with everything else. Maybe after I finish that one (self help/marriage counseling book).  

It's not a self help books as such... I don't think so anyway haha. It's more a philosophical book I think 

Took a screenshot so I have the name to look up :).