WisteriaSky233's Journal, 07 Mar 24

Has your husband been making a REAL effort to change? If you are still regularly fighting, then it seems that he isn’t. His realization of you not being attracted to him should lead him to introspection as to why, not frustration. Him being frustrated instead of concerned and caring means he is choosing to protect his ego instead of choosing empathy and trying to view things from your perspective. I know this because I used to be like your husband. I am proof that changing for the better and learning that vulnerability and empathy are always the right choice in any relationship is possible. It takes effort to rewire your brain though. Real effort to crush your own ego and learn to be vulnerable. A person can change, but often times it doesn’t happen until they’ve hurt their partner so much that the relationship can’t be salvaged. The question to ask yourself is, if you take away the worry about debt, finances and being on your own, are you truly happy with your marriage? Do you feel like your husband is a true partner? Does he show empathy or does he always defend his position? Is he willing to be vulnerable with his feelings and empathetic with yours? You can’t allow your fear of the unknown to affect your honest judgement of the health of your marriage. Your pros and cons list should be strictly relationship based and not include finances or anything extraneous to the relationship itself. I highly recommend that you don’t emotionally or physically stray from your partner. You either stay and fully invest in your marriage or you fully separate from your husband. The one foot in one foot out situation that you are creating with your crush is detrimental to your goal. Also remember that the grass isn’t always greener. Remember what your relationship with your husband was like when it was fresh and new. All relationships are good at the beginning when everything is new and exciting. The problem arises when a couple doesn’t constantly tend to their relationship to maintain that spark, respect and admiration. Complacency creates resentment and both parties are responsible for constantly tending to the marriage. If you do decide to leave your husband, don’t jump into another relationship until you’ve had some time alone to really heal and process the loss. Time alone to find your true self and to decide what you want and don’t want in a partner is of utmost importance. It is up to you to give yourself the love and grace that you deserve before moving into a new relationship. I’m not advocating for you staying nor for you leaving. You already know the answer if you are honest with yourself and trust your intuition. 

Reverse - Knocked it out of the park! Some of the best advice I've noticed given on here pertaining to this situation anyways. I lived through a lot of what was mentioned. I'm the best version of myself to date. But like they alluded to... it takes a lot of humility. To look in the mirror and admit you're not who you thought you were. But that ends up being a good thing if you acknowledge it. Because you can't fix an issue that isn't being acknowledged to begin with. Empathy is needed in these situations and many others in life. If his ego, job, friends, etc are far more important than the marriage. Then you already know what you have to do. 

I forgot to say that many people have and will pay 1000s of dollars for the advice he/she just gave. I didn't have to pay I've just used a lot of self reflection. God has a way of showing you what's really important in life. If you just open your eyes. 

@ReverseCosmosis I'm feeling so many things. My crush and I parted ways. I miss him a lot as well. Been strong and not tried to encounter him in passing (we work 2 blocks apart). I think meeting my crush showed me how far my relationship with my husband has gone wrong. I don't know if Hubs is capable of changing in the ways I need to be happy. I feel a lot like I did in 2017 with my ex boyfriend when I stayed because of loyalty but not love. I plan to work on my letter and list this weekend when I'm not at work. I just feel sad and guilty that I want out. 

@Joe Not Exotic & @everseCosmosis Thank you both for your words and advise. So many people have said many things and I realize I am far from perfect too. I think my immediate problem is being open to salavaging it when I am so tired, angry and frustrated by him in general. I have been pondering since Monday bullet points for the letter and how best to word painful things in a way that will cause reflection not anger.  

@WisteriaSky233 Don't worry if it will make him angry, just try not to be hateful or hurtful. Anger is not a primary emotion is the result of other emotions, like fear, loss, confusion, and sorrow. We cannot control how people will react, when we try it is manipulation. We can however be true to ourselves. That truth will burn bright and drive away darkness in others. Sometimes it means they flee, other times they take the darkness off of themselves and begin to shine with their own light. 

Love what ABY said as well. Lot of good people on here. 

Cosmosis, you sound like a very experienced and wise individual. I have a lot of respect for how you shared your advice; insight and beauty at the same time. Wisteria, I have never been married, so I won't pretend to know what you're going through ... But I'm so sorry you're going through so much pain right now. Personal growth can be brutal and overwhelming, but I know that no matter what you decide, if you do what you believe to be right in your heart, you'll find peace and have a happier life once all the dust has settled.  

🙏