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(This is not a weigh-in)
I'm not in a good mood today. I want to start restricting again. It's hard for me to convince myself I need to eat. Do I need the food? Do I really need 1800 calories? I know the correct answers; yes to both. But I really don't think it's necessary. I don't want to eat today. I want to restrict so badly.
Things have been changing so quickly. For the better. And anorexia hates them. I've been getting cravings and hungry. I'm not use to those feelings, and I don't know how to deal with them. Sometimes I hate them. I get bloated and feel full so easily now. It's really uncomfortable. I know this is wrong, but I like it when my stomach feels empty. I like it when I'm hungry and restricting. I like that feeling.
I've eaten around 1800 calories for the last two days. And honestly, it's exhausting. I don't want to eat that much. I really don't.
Days like today, I really don't want to try. I don't want to recover.
But I must. I have to keep pushing. Even if I don't want to. Especially if I don't want to. I have to do it. For my mom. For my dad. For my sister. For me.
These are all things I tell myself. But it's hard.
I'm scared of letting go of anorexia. Who am I without her? What was my life before her? I can't imagine living without her.
I'm so conflicted. I know what's right; eating. But I don't want to.
Today's going to be a hard day.
Does anyone have any advice?
(I'm sorry for all the negativity in this long rant, but I really just need to get these thoughts out)
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41.3 kg
Lost so far: 3.9 kg.
Still to go: 0 kg.
Diet followed: Reasonably Well.
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1612 kcal
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Fat: 60.18g | Prot: 73.64g | Carbs: 200.18g.
Breakfast: Plain Congee, Brown Mushrooms (Crimini Italian) , Poached Egg, Chicken, Chicken Stock . Lunch: Sweet Potato (Without Skin, Cooked, Boiled) , Shrimp, Cooked Cauliflower (from Fresh, Fat Not Added in Cooking), Bertolli Extra Virgin Olive Oil. Dinner: No Name Whole Green Beans, Salmon, Potato, Bertolli Extra Virgin Olive Oil, White Rice, Tenderloin Pork. Snacks/Other: Kirkland Signature Walnuts, Natrel 2% Partly Skimmed Milk, Voortman Oatmeal Cookie, Bananas , Soda Cracker (Sesame), Neilson Dairy Fresh Homogenized Milk 3.25%, Peaches , Apples (Without Skin) , Christie Good Thins, The Rice One Multigrain, Christie Wheat Thins, Sweet Potato, Donkey Hide Gelatin Cake. more...
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steady weight
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 Comments
You’re going to be fine,believe in yourself !
15 Aug 18 by member: 2075540332
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Are you getting any professional help yet? I think this is beyond the scope of what you and your family can handle as this is a complicated disease. Sometimes you need to get into a program and get some assistance to help you through all this. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
15 Aug 18 by member: dzemsta
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@dzemsta, please don't be sorry. I kind of deserve this. After all, it is self-induced. I made the decision. But I am really glad to say that I'm going to be getting professional help. I'm going for an ED program's assessment in a few weeks and I really can't wait. I have so many questions and I really want some professional advice. I love my mother and all, but she's not medically trained. So I only trust what she says to a certain extent. I'm really looking forward to having the questions I've been asking my mother professionally answered, and hopefully I'll get a better sense of direction.
15 Aug 18 by member: kelly90503
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Try not to worry so much about who you were, and instead focus on a version of yourself you want to be. Illnesses suck away parts of our personality, how we interact with people, and even our friends. When youre climbing back out of that dark place you're never going to be the same as who you were "before". you've already been through enough to make you so much more than you used to be. Just focus on the non-food things that make you happy, and you'll find yourself again in there eventually. And you might even surprise yourself with how awesome you are under all the lies anorexia tells you. ❤
15 Aug 18 by member: tamara_lee
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❤️I wish I knew what to tell you but dzemsta is right. Seeking professional help looks like is in order. I wish you the best 🤗
15 Aug 18 by member: nikkiferrera
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You can do it! Recovery can be hard, but you are stronger than anorexia!
15 Aug 18 by member: Claudia😎💃🏼☄️
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I commend you for seeking professional help. They will also give you the support you need emotionally. You can do this. I always thought I was a weak person but I got over my anorexia when I was younger, twice. I did and so can you! I know you can do this. I am much stronger now after what I have gone through. You are on the right track. Keep it up!
15 Aug 18 by member: weeabbey
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kelly90503's Weight History
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