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Sleeping is back to normal - woke about 5am this morning. I’d been awake off and on most of the night and repeatedly fell back to sleep listening to relaxation music. When I woke the final time I decided a nice audiobook would either put me back to sleep or at least inspire me via drowsy osmosis.
So I began listening to Hays’ ‘Heal your Life’ again. And while I did, I took lotion and began gently massaging my feet, hands, legs, etc. Don’t squint, this isn’t going to turn risque. I just treated myself kind. EVEN my stomach. I’ve decided I’m going to stop being critical of my stomach and instead of flipping my T-Shirt up every time I walk into the bathroom and glaring at it in the mirror reflection I would treat it with love. I may try to make this a daily ritual for a while. Couldn’t hurt.
Coffee and Sunday paper on the deck followed by a little more yard maintenance. I like to devote at least a half hour daily to it rather than a whole day on the weekend. The vinegar did not work as for whatever it is that bites me out there.
I do agree the overeating Friday night was due to being too hungry and will remember to toss a snack in my purse as I did back in the day when I was trying to control my blood sugar.
There was also a ‘competitive crowd’ mentality going on as the meal was buffet. You know how it is when you’re in a room full of people and they don’t seem to be releasing YOUR table for the line at ALL and the concern is they’ll run OUT of food and dear heaven’s we can’t have that… we’ll all starve to death missing A MEAL. So between that ‘load up before it’s all gone’ emotion and having listened to the entire table (9 others) complain for half an hour ‘we’re starving’ I was on pillage and plunder mode when I hit the steam table.
I have been examining this ‘out of control’ thing so this may seem tedious but this is what FS is all about and lately I have journaled about ‘everything but’ the All Things Food. So this is my reminder.
I know ‘some’ of it had to be from being around Blondie and I haven't yet figured out HOW to fix that because I reflected I’d done the same thing in Hot Springs. It's not just eating 'out' because LAST week when I was at the dinner with BCF I didn’t eat like I was on death row and that meal was late as well. So that’s one. Still struggling with WHATEVER the chemistry is when she’s around that makes me want to shove copious amounts of food in my pie-hole.
So after the mani-pedi I went out for lunch, alone, yesterday ((yeah, me, alone in a restaurant… I remember when I’d NEVER do that)) and was very focused on regaining my mindful eating practice. Slow, not too much beverage, leaving room for the food and the emotions.
I felt I did well. I stopped when no longer hungry. I didn’t feel the need to scarf up both of the huge garlic rolls but I didn’t ‘avoid’ them altogether as if they are on a ‘no-no’ list. But the baked ziti was kind of … bland. So despite really being hungry and satisfying my true craving for cheesy pasta, it wasn’t fulfilling. I added grated parmesan cheese and ate half of it, slowly, and left the restaurant feeling better about ‘eating in public’ all around (ala, eating alone in public and not licking the plate clean).
But then I wanted something ‘sweet’. A dessert. I’d considered going by Starbucks and getting an iced coffee. But I came home. No real sweets here in the house. All stuff to be fabricated. So I had a small bowl of oatmeal with peanut butter. Still not enough. So then I had some of the chicken I’d roasted the other night with mayo and toast. That finally did it.
But then I felt bloated, too full. I hate that feeling. It makes me feel like a failure. But what’s strange is .. I am beginning to wonder if there is something physiological going on here (the overly full bloated feeling) instead of a quantity issue.
So beginning with my ‘Healing’ refresher this morning .. I’m adding being superconscious of portion control to fairly judge. Like right now, it’s nearly 11am and I’m NOT really hungry. And I’m a little aggravated about it because I was thinking about walking to the winery and having brunch today. So I want to enjoy brunch, be waited on, etc., and yet feel as if I go… will I be eating when NOT hungry? Will I continue to screw up my hard work?
So I’ll wait. Brunch runs until 2pm. I want to go when I’m hungry to enjoy it. I don’t want to be too hungry and overeat. Gah, this balancing act is challenging lately.
And that’s all I got today. I think I’ll end this journal. Thank you for coming to see me and stopping to visit. Hope you’re all having a wonderful Sunday.
Bella
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