FullaBella's Journal, 21 Oct 13

Monday and I wish I could spell 'cawggghhhhhhh' or whatever that sound is that I make every time I look out at the cloudy overcast day. But then I'd need to type a sigh of gratitude it's not raining (yet). I'm standing at the counter in the shop trying to compose my journal. DH has me concerned; I suspect he really needs to go to the hospital but is (naturally) protesting so my concentration is challenged.

I discovered something about myself this weekend though have no idea what to do with the knowledge: I don't like permanence.

I'll leave it up to the Duke brothers to wager whether it's genetic or environmental. This realization came to me when I was trying to implement a craft I learned at a garden club meeting Thursday night: glass garden totems.

I always feel I'm the last to hear of anything but just in case I'm 'not' - here's a link: http://www.bing.com/images/search?q=glass+garden+totems&qpvt=glass+garden+totems&FORM=IGRE

It looked fun and I did in fact enjoy hitting the Habitat for Humanity shop and a couple of rummage sales this weekend to gather things. I also feel moving the items around and seeing how they 'could' connect was a nice grown up version of 'building blocks'. But putting the 'glue' to the project... just couldn't do it. I remember I could always unsnap my Lincoln logs. (For you younger folks, they were an early wood version of Leggo's.)

Unlike painting that I know I can always cover up and do over, digital pictures that can be deleted or flowers that can be replaced when they die... the permanence of gluing the items together made me uncomfortable. And I know this isn't everyone's reaction because those women demonstrating this craft or those posting their images on the website are obviously very happy.

So maybe that's yet another reason why the 'never again' didn't 'stick with me' on the previous weight losses. Maybe I need to silicone my lips shut this time, starting with some yard sale art pieces. Maybe my first 'piece' will be my tribute to mindful eating.

Saturday also included a day out with my friend. We shopped, lunched and went to the theater. Afterward included the usual march to our mecca: Whole Foods.

I know some people call it 'whole paycheck' and I understand; there are some items that are a little pricy but in my opinion, it's worth it. If you've never been to one, I highly recommend it. If you do nothing more than loiter for a good hour and soak up the free samples you'll most likely leave feeling better than when you arrived. I always do. It feeds my soul. And I know this is consistent to all of them because I've visited them coast to coast and in between. Unlike shopping at Affordable-Mart, there is no pushing, shoving, anger, or competitive shoppers. Everyone seems really polite and they smile at each other. I often wonder if they are pumping nitrous oxide into the store; there's just something magical about being there.

Another reflection included how *I* have changed while that routine remained the same. We have been doing the shop / lunch / theater / Foods day at least twice a year for about four years now. So that included a time when I could barely fit in the auditorium seat or stand for any comfortable length of time walking in the stores. And you could completely forget shopping for clothes at a boutique.

Something was said to me this time that I don't EVER recall hearing before, especially by a sales person. "No, not that blouse, it makes you look fat." In the past I'd get the snooty 'no, we don't carry YOUR size' or if they did carry my size the comment was 'yes, get that, it's very slimming.' Of course, seldom was that true but I'd reached a weight and mass that FITTING me was the priority; flattering and fashionable were a distant second. So to have a sales person take a blouse away from me was interesting.

Another reflected ritual: the large chocolate chip cookie at the theater. Two years ago, no way I'd ever eat something so sinfully delicious but fattening in public like that. I have such an inflated ego that I could just HEAR the whispers 'look at her eating cookies.. no wonder she's so fat.'

Then a year ago, shortly into my healthy eating voyage, NO WAY I'd have a cookie at the theater because I was still of the 'good foods vs bad foods' troop and if you are one of those soldiers you know which camp chocolate chip cookies fall into.

This Saturday I had one and am somewhat ambivalent about it. I wasn't insecure about eating it in public, I wasn't trying to justify having it while 'eating healthy' but I was bothered by the rattling noise of the wax paper sandwich bag when I tried to gently reach in to break off a small piece to savor during the performance.

Conclusion: just as I no longer eat while driving in the car, I will not eat at the live theater. It's too distracting to be able to enjoy both fully with attention and intention as they deserve.

And finally, here's a tip for knowing when to stop eating: when you don't want to touch your tongue to the food. Try it sometime and you too will be able to distinguish if you are really 'eating what you love' or just 'eating'.

I'd skipped breakfast Saturday morning. Driving to a destination I stopped to fill the car and broke not one but two self imposed rules: 1) buying food at a gas station and 2) eating while driving. I purchased a sausage, egg & cheese biscuit. Review? Gross with a capital G. As I took a second bite and felt it in the back of my mouth, my tongue hiding and avoiding even tasting it, I realized, "STOP. You're obviously not that hungry. You'll have something better later." And I threw it away. (In a trash can when I arrived at my destination - I didn't litter.)

Thank you for reading - hope you're having a great Monday.
Bells