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Jiminy Cricket! It's not even 11am and I'm already exhausted this morning.
My OCD always goes into overdrive when MH is in the hospital and this current episode has been no exception. So I've been up since 5am reorganizing the shelves in the pantry, closets and bathrooms. Even organizing the 'empty' clothes hangers in the closet by color and type.
The entire time I'm 'doing this' I reflect on that movie 'Sleeping with the Enemy' - and tell myself 'stop it' and walk away. And I will, but then I'm back at the shelves moving things one more time. Sick. Sick. Sick.
I think it's because I feel so 'out of control' with MH sick again to the point of needing hospitalization and that fire is fanned by my lack of control over getting Health Care Providers to listen and pay attention.
It's sad that the really good, caring, compassionate HCP's are statistically 10% of the entire staff. God Bless 'Em. They're the only one's that keep me from jumping off the roof.
So I rationalize that the obsessive organizing and tidying is probably the lesser of all other evils I could be turning to right now. I also hear the voice in my head saying 'how about saving all that energy and directing it toward inventory and etc., in the 'store' rather than the pantry. After all, having all the vegetables in the pantry lined up alphabetically isn't going to improve your profit margin in the store.'
But then my other voice (yes, I have many) just stares back at the lecturing voice and the answer is recovered. I have directed that energy in the store in the past during these episodes and no good comes of it.
MH started this business while I was still working in corporate America. Though I lent my business skills and assisted it throughout the growth it was and probably always will be 'his' even though I run it full time now since retiring from being ' just another suit.'
So while I do manage everything on a daily basis ~ being in the store at 4 in the morning piling through and reorganizing inventory or rearranging the furniture or displays helps neither of us.
Because he has such limited physical ability confining him to bed or chair all day, he has designated the bookshelf beside his recliner in the living room as his 'man cave'.
And it is a mess. Dusty with empty wrappers and clutter and I'm not allowed to tidy 'that' because it's 'his spot' that he can be as messy as he pleases. And it's definitely off limits when he's in the hospital. He says to return home and see it all 'clean & shiny' makes him feel like I didn't expect him to return. No amount of explanation that I'm doing it because I think with his 'illness' all that dust & clutter so close to him isn't a good thing will appease his anxiety. So messy it remains.
The 'store' falls under that same category ~ if it looks 'changed' while he is gone (we live behind our store so he would see it on the way back in) he will think I'm pushing him out.
And so goes the saga that is my life. What a balancing act ~ soothing his neurosis and controlling mine. For now I'm just going to lean back and sip my mug of hot 'Celestial Season Peppermint Lane Green Tea' and wait for the next customer.
~~ Waving Howdy from High on the Tightrope ~~
View Diet Calendar, 16 November 2012:
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1598 kcal
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Fat: 54.64g | Prot: 113.56g | Carbs: 189.51g.
Breakfast: Dannon Light & Fit Greek, Creamer, Flax Seed, Quaker Old Fashioned Oatmeal, Coffee. Lunch: Singles 2% Swiss, Hormel Deli Turkey, Avacado, Tomatoes, Spinach, Stacy's Bagel Chips. Dinner: Cheese Omlette, Wheat Bread, Hormel Lean Roast Beef, Red Tomatoes, Spicy Mustard, 2% Cheese Slice . Snacks/Other: Grapefruit, Dannon Ligjt Greek Yogurt, Wheat Chex. more...
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3772 kcal
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Exercise:
Housework - 2 hours, Walking (slow) - 2/mph - 1 hour, Standing - 1 hour, Resting - 1 hour, Sleeping - 8 hours, Desk Work - 4 hours, Sitting - 7 hours. more...
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