FullaBella's Journal, 30 Oct 12

Amazing how these darn computers do that subtle advertising thing on the side of the screen - all based on things I've looked at before. Right now Annie Chuns Seaweed Snacks Roasted Sesame at Amazon is lingering in the lower right hand column and sounds good. I guess my computer knows I shop a lot at Amazon so if I go 24 hours without an order it sends me subtle reminders. Great, the machines are smarter than me :-)

It's just in the picture it looks 'thick' like 'chips' and while I'm happy to be getting my crunchy munching from caramel cheerios or fiber one cereal at night - I could really LOVE a crunchy seaweed flavored chip or cracker right now. Then again, simple carbs are my downfall so I'll bow my head in thanks it really doesn't exist. I'll prob get the seaweed anyway because it is excellent to add to chicken broth with a dash of wasabi... if I could just remember to pick up scallions or chives and maybe some tofu when I grocery shop I'd probably have a very close homemade miso soup ... mmmm

So obviously I'm hungry and it's only 11am... and this is interesting to note because this morning I had my original double serving of oatmeal with raisins instead of a single serving with yogurt. I'd poured it by mistake so skipped the yogurt however last week when I started decreasing the oatmeal to swap for more protein in the yogurt I was hungry earlier and thought 'that' was the issue. So taking a huge drink of water now to make sure I'm not just thirsty.

I'm still mulling over my post yesterday regarding how I always feel a little more in control of the 'crap' in my life when I start controlling the crap in my food and asked other FS members if they experienced the same. The response has been similar. So that's good.. or bad ... hard to know .. but at least I wasn't the only person in the world who heaped a devaluation on myself because I couldn't control my eating.

After all ~~ I sure didn't feel this proud of myself when I was approaching my current weight (249) ... no, I felt like a (anything but weight) loser ~ couldn't control myself and let people walk on me a lot. Sure, sure, I'm not a complete doormat but there were plenty of situations when I was slighted by others but just took it.

My husband and friend are my biggest advocates. They would say 'why are you letting so & so get away with that?' and I had no answer because I couldn't say 'well, I'm fat, so I have to accept this crap heaped on me.' So many times I would hide behind more philosophical rationalizations like 'well, you know.. Karma... what goes around comes around ...' and while I DO believe that I have to confess, I wasn't THAT goody two shoes. I just didn't feel I was always worth the fight. And yes, *I* did it to myself.

In the event you are reading my journal and wonder 'what brought on this retrospective thinking yesterday?' I'll tell you. When I first joined FS I struggled with deciding whether to make my journal available or keep it private. But FOR ME, keeping it private was keeping the secrets buried that I've hidden for 30+ years and has been a big part of me being so big. FOR ME, this FS is more than just a weight tracking diet managing tool. It's going to be a 'life changing through reflection and insight' too. IF my stories help other members who read, good. If not, well, I do not mean to do harm to anyone here but for me, it is helping get this out. I'm trying to learn to stop trying to bury my feelings under food.

Yesterday I rec'd the check from my recently departed Mother's insurance. She passed away on 8/14. We weren't close, she didn't even raise me, and our relationship had been very bad. She was an alcoholic and she had many sad problems of her own. One was her second husband who turned out to be a pedophile and molested me when I was 13. It stopped when I was 15 because I finally told and she left the state but stayed married to him and abused me over it for years.

Now before you worry this turns into an afterschool special - it won't. At least, not this journal entry. I got some therapy in my 20's and while I don't think I'll ever be CURED or have closure or any of the other buzz words around this type of thing I actually did FORGIVE her in my 30's. I found out she had experienced something somewhat similar and had not had a strong female (mother) to help her either. I forgave her for not knowing better.

She'd had a daughter with that man, my half sister. She's only 5 years younger than me so we've been in contact, while not daily, most of the past 40 years. We'd discussed the situation (her father) and she seemed to 'forgive it' but I now realize she never said 'I blame him'. I only found out recently, after the death of our mother, she blamed me.

IN fact, her quote to me was 'I'll never forgive you for sleeping with my father!'

I was astounded. This all happened on the heels of our mother dying and I discovered she (half sister) was trying to scheme me out of the insurance share designated to me. The irony of it all is I NEVER wanted the insurance money. But when she said 'you don't deserve a dime, you ruined my happy family...' well, it was the PERFECT STORM.

THAT revelation was said to me about six weeks after our mother died but in the timeline of me having been on my renewed crap controlling healthy eating revaluing my self worth again. And while I didn't want the MONEY ... I needed to stick UP for myself and teach this girl a lesson.

The most BAFFLING thing to me is that she raised two daughters. One is 19 and the other is 13 and I asked her, and will eliminate the profanity used that day when we finally had the 30 years of pent up feelings showdown 'Really?? You Really think that at 13 *I* possessed the ability to make THAT decision?? Do you think YOUR DAUGHTERS would have possessed the ability to make such a mature decision themselves at 13? Are you that sick and twisted?"

But of course, I was just a little girl (inside) arguing with another little girl (her, the child of dysfunctional parents) so neither of us possessed logic.

In her words *I* "tore up her happy family." Well, it had neither been happy before OR after that situation. My mother stayed MARRIED to him and while I have NO idea if I was his first CHILD to molest, I am aware (via her) that he was unfaithful with many women before me and AFTER me (in the 10 years she stayed married AFTER).

What's the point here? Well, once we said all the ugly things we could think of to say to each other and I hung up the phone knowing our relationship was a facade for thirty years so it was ceasing to exist with the click of that phone, I contacted my lawyer.

I wanted to determine which would bring ME the most satisfaction / retribution / closure / healing ... label it as you please. Her father is still alive. And yes, this sounds harsh, cruel, mean... go ahead & judge me... but I wondered if she'd like to watch her father (who's likely in his 70's by now) DIE in prison. After all, she'd serve as the STAR witness in that trial ~ no way around THAT admission.

Or did I just want to mess with her current life?

Yeah, KARMA was watching over my shoulder a lot .. I know. While I no longer considered myself 'a victim' as I'd moved PAST it... It WAS .. well, CRAP to let someone throw it in my face AFTER ALL THIS TIME and get away with it and justify what she was trying to do to ME over it.

My husband had been listening on the other line when she said that and he said to me (after 'I'm so sorry she would say such a thing) 'if you don't stand up to her on this, you never will.'

So I called my lawyer and asked his advice on dealing with the insurance she was trying to scheme. Oh, I didn't mention the scheme, sorry. What had happened was *I* really wasn't designated as a beneficiary for a long time (Mom & I had ceased to communicate about 10 years ago because of yet another betrayal unrelated but was the last straw).

But as her death grew closer she'd had her insurance changed and wanted me to receive 5%. My half sister was to receive the lion's share and my two half brothers were to receive 5% /10%. It's really irrelevant but what happened was the insurance agent made an error and did NOT write the percentages in on the revised policy so the insurance company was about to divide the $$$ equally among the six of us and that was KILLING her.

Of course it was. She's LIVED with Our mother 40 of her 46 years on this earth... up until a week after our mother died she never had a JOB. She allowed our mother to continue to drag herself to work, doing a VERY physical job, in her 70's, while she battled COPD, lung cancer, liver cancer and a multitude of issues. Rather than stepping up and being a caretaker she just continued to LEECH. And now.. ut oh... someone was threatening her 80%!!!!

Yeah, that was my goal. At first I wanted nothing .... and then... I just wanted her to SUFFER. Paybacks you know.

So my lawyer drafted a complaint and offer that we'd settle for 15% of the policy (( IF we'd forced the issue legally I could have received 16% but that would have required out of state representation & travel))
and believe it or not, as I still didn't care about ME receiving money, my goal was just to slow HER getting it!!

After all, the girl was HOUSE HUNTING the afternoon of the FUNERAL. I'm not kidding. And the half brothers and their share - well, they were part of that 10 year ago betrayal so I wasn't talking to them either.

No, in the end, I stood up for myself. WOULD I have done this a month earlier, before I began my healthy eating control the crap journey?? I don't know. I don't THINK I would have based on reflection that when she was first stomping about being as we say in the south 'too big for her britches' I never said anything about it. And THAT was before I'd started this latest journey. I'd just sat and listened to her threats.

But not after. Nope. As referenced earlier, it was the perfect storm.

So I put the check in the bank this morning. I haven't decided WHAT to do with it. ((( and no, I don't need any suggestions ))) I am considering a scholarship fund or even something associated with child advocacy. I already had tickets to a fund raiser for CAC this weekend before I knew when or IF I'd ever receive ANYTHING from this insurance so UNLIKE my halfsister or halfbrothers, I wasn't foaming at the mouth in desperate need of this check.

And no, I'm not WEALTHY. I'm frugal. My husband and I have been blessed that we live very cheap, we own and operate our own business and live behind it. HE has been very sick for 10 years and we finally managed to get our business to a point where I could leave corporate America and stay home to be his caretaker full time. So I run our business during the day with the ability to close the door and take care of him when needed. We drive a 5 year old car and I joke that 99% of the miles on it are 'hospital miles.'

So we want for nothing, which I why I didn't want this money. So I intend to sit on it for a very long time to figure out something to do with it that will leave me feeling proud of taking care of myself this time.

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1413 kcal

Fat: 41.43g | Prot: 51.04g | Carbs: 956.08g.   Breakfast: raisins, quaker oatmeal, flax, coffee. Lunch: Stir Fry, kosher pickle spear, schwans cal, grape tomato, schwans chicken breast. Dinner: wheat thin flatbread, kosher dill spears, Soup: turnips/tomatoes/tomato soup/calblend/brussels/broth. Snacks/Other: fiber one, Wheat Thin Flatbread Cracker, 2% Milk American Cheese Singles, dannon greek, granny smith apple. more...

2953 kcal

Exercise: Shopping - 1 hour, Sitting - 1 hour, Resting - 14 hours, Sleeping - 8 hours. more...