Snowwhite100's Journal

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18 April 2023

A narcissist not only breaks your heart. They break your spirit, that's why it takes so long to heal.

(5 comments)

13 April 2023

Dear K.... I'm sorry you felt you need to leave. I decided not to leave a message to you on my Journal but since you left, there is no other way to contact you. As I said, I care about you. I want all the Lord's best for you. So here is what I wanted to private message you.

Thank you for saying that you are sorry if your message of February 12 came across wrong. I took it so hard because I was already down emotionally. Your two comments to my journal after our daughter died, plus your first Private Message were so kind, I really appreciated your support when I was hurting. I'm sorry they have now disappeared.

In your last message of April 2, you said: “ ... everyone has demons we fight every day but the only way to overcome them is to never give up…no matter how hard.” I agree with you. Funny thing is, these are “your” words and they are correct. But the words in the message of February 12 that were "cut and paste" from someplace else, were exactly the opposite saying “You can't win.” I disagree with the person that wrote the article that you took from. Yes, some of it was true but it is too, too discouraging to listen to someone say that you can not win. You disagree with them too. Look at “your” words, they are so much better: “Never give up.” Good for you. There is hope. Hope for you and hope for me. You have kindness in your heart that I saw in your other messages, so I even told myself it sounded like the message of February 12 was written by someone else. And that was absolutely right. You are better than the person that wrote that article.

I'm sorry you sometimes have a bad day or go through difficulties. It is entirely normal to be tempted to turn to food or drink for solace. Me too. When it is the hardest for me is when my husband raises his voice and is negative, which is almost every day. It takes a lot of discipline for anyone to say no to themselves. Our past does affect us a lot. Most of us have some kind of difficulties in our lives, and I think things in the world are going to get worse. You did say at the end of the message to trust in the Lord. Is that what you do? Please don't stop communicating with me. Since you say to trust in the Lord, and “God bless,” maybe you can encourage me with your relationship with Him. What is your walk with the Lord like?
Yours truly, J

(1 comment)

01 April 2023

Happy April Fools Day

Weight:	Lost so far:	Still to go:	Diet followed:
59.0 kg	0 kg	5.6 kg	Reasonably Well

(4 comments) Gaining 0.1 kg a Week

20 January 2023

Please pray for me, I am so miserable tonight. Tomorrow, Saturday is the day of the Memorial Luncheon for our daughter. It's at a Chinese Restaurant so that takes most of the pressure off me but I'm still miserable. Tonight I bought 2 big cheesecakes at Costco, fresh blueberries for on top, and 3 orchids for the tables. I was shopping for 3 hours this afternoon for my friend and for us. Yesterday and part of today I was going through old pictures to find ones (of our daughter) to take tomorrow. What a trip down memory lane! It hurts, I hurt, and I can't even think straight about what I will say at the Memorial. I do have a pastor speaking, the same one as for our son's funeral. We are so old and isolated that there will only be 19 of us. There were 160 at our son's funeral. I don't want to go, I don't want to face it. My chest hurts, my head hurts, my face, and even my teeth hurt. I've been living on 4 hours of sleep a night. I haven't even picked out what I am going to wear. And I have one more store to go to in the morning for my sick friend. I'm binging again and have had so much food and sugar my stomach is yucky upset. I want to turn off the pain. Our son-in-law, all his friends, neighbors, and relatives are not even coming. If it weren't for the Lord carrying me I couldn't go on. Thank you, Lord. And thank You for all the comforts I have: food to eat, a warm dry place to sleep, a car to drive, and a comfortable house to live in. And I can still walk, even though it hurts with sciatica. Please comfort me, Lord, and thank you for loving us. Thank you that you see my pain. Thank you that you see and know that all these FS folks and I are here at this time in history when things may get very rough in the next several years. Thank you for giving us Jesus so we can be reconciled to you. Give us peace and courage. Help all these FS folks and me to sleep tonight. Bring your will into my life, and help me to accept it.

Weight:	Lost so far:	Still to go:	Diet followed:
57.8 kg	0 kg	4.4 kg	Poorly

(37 comments) Gaining 0.5 kg a Week

12 January 2023

Giving up sweets didn't last very long, only 10 days. On Monday I finally mailed invitations for a Memorial Luncheon for our daughter, but hand delivered 3 to my closest neighbors. On the third delivery, I started crying because of her hurt too, since their college son died 6 months ago. She knew exactly how I feel. I don't even want to have this luncheon because I would rather pretend our beautiful daughter hasn't died. Coming home and starting dinner, I had more wine than I should. I didn't get drunk just a little inebriated which let down my guard, so after dinner, I ate about 3 pieces of See's candy my husband had gotten for Christmas. Today I will start over, but I might eat desserts on the 21st at the luncheon. I'm hoping to take 3 desserts from Costco, which is unnecessary at a big Chinese meal but would look special. I need to go to the restaurant and speak to them about exactly what I want to preorder for lunch. Shrimp in Lobster Sauce, Beef Broccoli, and Chicken in Tangerine Sauce will be the meat dishes, then I'm choosing to have half as many (in volume) vegetable dishes served for one or two vegetarians, Mixed vegetables plus Eggplant in Szechuan Sauce. The first three dishes are so good, I doubt people will eat many vegetables. There will be two choices of soup, either Egg Drop, or Hot and Sour plus egg rolls. They haven't been offering Chinese Chicken Salad since the beginning of Covid but I'm going to ask about it. Also, I want to ask how much it would cost to have cloth tablecloths and napkins. I would pay $1.00 per person more but not $2.00. They only serve tea, not coffee, so I'm thinking about taking my 50 cup pot. My husband says no, but I think it would be nice since we will be hanging around sharing. I plan to share several funny stories like when she fell in the paint. The same pastor that spoke at our son's funeral in 1987 will be speaking at this small luncheon. For our son, it was a funeral at Forest Lawn and 40 guys came from Teen Challenge to sing, and then various ones shared about our son between songs. There were 160 people there then they came to our home for a buffet. We just set up the buffet in the living room on long tables, opened all the doors, and let them file through. We have a long retaining wall around our backyard about two and a half feet tall. I just folded towels the long way and put them on top so people could sit on this short wall, plus we set up several tables on the patio. We had plenty of food. Now we are old and pretty isolated so there aren't many to ask. Our son-in-law isn't even coming from Arizona so even his friends and relatives won't be coming. They were only away from this area for four years. He doesn't even want me to invite their neighbors when they lived here. Very sad. He says he can't handle a memorial yet. He cries half the day.

There will be no video of our daughter, her husband has all the pictures of her the last 32 years. I will just take the pictures I have of her in their pretty frames and put them on the extra tables in the banquet room. I don't even want to make a “board” of them. I have the two wreaths with black bows and streamers from my front doors, and I will buy two orchid plants at Trader Joe's to put on the dessert table. The round tables we eat at will have large turning “Lazy Susan” to serve people from. It would have been impossible to have the luncheon at our home. It was already messy, now with the flood in the garage over Christmas it's an even bigger mess. And I'm a mess too. Thank you, Lord, you are carrying me. I couldn't do this without Him.

Living in Los Angeles on a gentle hill it's a good thing we have a drain next to the patio, with these rains we've been having. Of course, it hasn't been anything like Central or Northern California. But we still had flooded homes and cars in Studio City, a large sinkhole in Chatsworth that swallowed two vehicles, collapsing hillsides along Mulholland Drive, and downed trees and power lines in many other areas. There were pictures of our Central Train Station flooded and the office I was headed to in North Hollywood Monday was flooded.

Weight:	Lost so far:	Still to go:	Diet followed:
57.2 kg	0 kg	3.9 kg	Poorly

(10 comments) Losing 0.2 kg a Week

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