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Down in the dumps and looking for stale cookies>>
Enough already, I have been riding the emotion-coaster for a week and I want to exist this un-amusing park. Tomorrow, tomorrow. I hope tomorrow puts a light on my future one way or the other. I was doing the heart test as a part of a job prescreening. I am still waiting to get a pass or fail qualification notice. I thought I was the picture of good health before this. And now that nugget of information, the cardiology office was not aware they were not supposed to discuss with me, is driving me to a slow and certain level of insanity. (Also a character quality that would cause me a fail mark.) I still want to have a heart to heart, pun intended, conversation with the nurse that dropped the little bomb and then tried to offer me hope by stating that maybe the results were just an error. Really lady? Start with that comment the next time. So any-who, I have been trying to stay quiet and calm, but this has led me to sleeping during the day and sitting up all night. I have only told my secret to this community so my family and friends are all on my case about not being happy for my birthday. Birthday, smurfday! I really wanted to celebrate some good news that just did not come. And I am boiling over with all the ugly self-hating thoughts I have to swallow until I find out if I get into the job I am seeking or not. I am miserable!
I have not gone seeking consolation from the refrigerator yet as I have never believed myself to be an emotional eater (as long as we don’t count loneliness, happiness, and boredom as emotions). But I can feel myself going there. Making excuses. Sampling things; wanting to cook for the army that is ONE. And then, needing to eat all the food that would be shameful to let go to waste when there are starving children in Africa. Boy did I hear that a lot as a child. I am resisting the urgent (false) need to go grocery shopping. I know that is really about wanting to cook and eat more. So I had a friend over for some of the stew I made last night and I put all the left overs in freezer bags. My recipe says it is only 197 calories per serving but it is very filling and I gave the left over casserole away except for one serving.
I keep checking my calorie count for today and thinking of things I can treat myself with that will not push me over the count. I think I better go to the gym if I am not going to bed before I open more unhappiness. I would hate to get a pass on the heart and fail because I gained weight when I was told to lose weight.
I will stay on track. I will stay on track. I will stay on track. Anyone out there with a pair of magical ruby red slippers? I will stay on track…
View Diet Calendar, 11 November 2013:
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1382 kcal
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Fat: 78.02g | Prot: 61.94g | Carbs: 115.08g.
Breakfast: Pineapple Orange Juice Drink. Lunch: Sam's Choice Purified Drinking Water (20 oz), Chicken and Broccoli Casserole. Dinner: Blue Bell Lemon Ice Cream, Sam's Choice Purified Drinking Water (20 oz), Chicken Stew. Snacks/Other: Kroger Almonds Slivered, Splenda No Calorie Sweetener with Fiber, Great Value Lactose Free Fat Free Milk, Domino Sugar Sugar, Folgers Hazelnut Coffee, Trident Sugarless Gum with Xylitol, Honey, Twinings Chai Tea, Splenda No Calorie Sweetener with Fiber. more...
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1721 kcal
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Exercise:
Calisthenics (heavy, e.g. pushups) - 15 minutes, Resting - 12 hours and 45 minutes, Sleeping - 11 hours. more...
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