FullaBella's Journal, 07 Aug 14

You know that little 'bell' that rings in your thoughts.. quiet but undeniable .. until it graduates from 'the soft church bell from across town' to 'the shriek of death alarm clock from across the room?' I had that latter one finally graduate for me yesterday.

I have been struggling. Really struggling to ... well ... to make peace with myself on this whole eating disorder thing. I spent nearly a year doing the EWYL (eat what you love) and it was working but then I forgot.. and I ignored the bell.

I've made progress, no denying it. But I've been dancing on a slippery slope for a few months of indulging; well, over indulging actually. All things in moderation includes moderation but I know the 5-6 iced coffee's (with liquid cream)daily and the Cheesecake factory visits and Road Trip burgers were beginning to shift from the 'occasional indulgence' to the 'far too frequent a habit' column.

So yesterday, in the midst of my flab-jack induced IBS feeling as if I had a load of cement in my colon followed by cheeseburger and fries for lunch swimming in at least a gallon of water sucked up on hump day to try and do some damage control, I decided it would be the perfect time to weigh myself.

I know some of it is part of the 'fat to muscle' conversion weight but not all. My clothes aren't fitting as they did. Time to turn this train around before it's too late.

So, I'm recording it. I don't like it. It certainly doesn't have the same emotion of joy as it did when I recorded it on the way down. But it's the truth. One I can face.

And, I announced it. In real life. Not the weight - just the fact that I'd gained and I'm not happy with it so I'm going back a time when I paid more attention to the nutritional makeup of my food. Not restrictive deprivation. Just not so many trips to Indulgence-ville.

I did that for the sake of others so that I don't repeat the Valentine's 2012 when I was stricter on my intake and reacted to the chocolate dipped strawberries from Blondie as if she'd handed me a bouquet of spiders.

And BCF won't feel shunned when I give away her present of chocolate dipped potato chips. I'll just resume regifting food faster than 'Feed the Children' again for those who refuse to believe me. I've done it before, I'll do it again.

I don't know if I'll ever reach a point in life where I don't have to pay attention to my food and weight every day to keep it in check. Maybe that's the lazy part in me that creeps in when I'm not looking. It's no different than balancing the checkbook, paying bills and making sure the laundry is done. It's just a part of responsibility.

So I'll chock the past couple of months eating up to 'spring break'. Time to get back in school and remember my goals. Health. Mobility. Pride. And being able to rock those ridiculously high heeled strappy sandals. The important things in life.

Bella

86.2 kg Lost so far: 43.1 kg.    Still to go: 4.5 kg.    Diet followed: Reasonably Well.

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1171 kcal

Fat: 12.83g | Prot: 106.33g | Carbs: 154.06g.   Breakfast: Sweet Pickle Relish, Apples, Chicken Vegetable Soup with Kidney Beans, StarKist Foods Chunk Light Tuna in Water, Tostitos Medium Salsa, Coffee-Mate Fat Free French Vanilla Powdered Coffee Creamer, Baileys Original Irish Cream, Whole Milk. more...