FullaBella's Journal, 20 Nov 13

Wednesday - November 20th and I'll be darned if I didn't tick off Mother Nature. This morning was sunny and beautiful but I was working on a project in my store room and didn't make it outside. Now it's cold and dreary. Just that fast. According to the front page of our small town paper this wasn't due until tomorrow evening. Geez. Lesson learned? Grab the sunshine when it's available.

My attempt to bake mini quiche's for breakfast was a huge FAIL. Big time. So I'm not really sure if the shrimp & asparagus alfredo I cooked for lunch was 'just that good' or I was 'just that hungry' but I practically licked the bowl clean. Guess I'll know later if (when) I go back for the left overs.

I was thinking about that in relation to a comment on my journal yesterday ala 'glad wife doesn't cook - avoid eating too many calories' and I want to share something, perhaps a different way of looking at it.

I've found when I eat mindfully, when I truly embrace the EWYL with LOVE What you EAT, I am satisfied with much less food. Especially when I stop eating if I'm not loving it. This sort of goes hand in hand with mindful eating ~ how *I* (and many of us) claim our weight issue is we 'love food too much'. When I began exploring conscious eating I read and agree, most of the time I was not loving what I ate.. I ate it so mindlessly I was never satisfied. I only stopped when it was all gone but usually still wanted (and often got) more. I remember really hating the taste of something - believe it or not, even ice cream would start to make my mouth burn after a while - but would just keep shoving it down my throat because I was camped out in bed or on the couch or in my recliner and didn't want it to go to waste.

That's why one BITE of that failed quiche this morning was all it took to stop chewing. I realize wasting food is considered a sin but so is gluttony and I am trying to save my soul another way these days.

And to repeat something I've mentioned many times, I credit much of it to this website. I'd always lost weight by STARVING in the past and then stuffing myself with boring raw vegetables, anything to get that 'full feeling' without exceeding my RDI. So when I arrived here and read journal after journal of recipes and great meals and menus I thought I was in the wrong place.

Little by little, it sank in. Bit by bit and bite by bite I started turning things around, and for today, it's for the better. I truly feel this is why I've rediscovered my passion for cooking because I can actually EAT what I love.

I did spend a few minutes with the 'old me' this morning thinking 'whew, I'm so glad, of all the things I don't like about this new FS format, at least that 'weigh in now' reminder is no longer bright bold red... I barely even notice it anymore. Once I did update my weight and realized I've only changed 2lbs in nearly four months... I did a mental 'look back' at the previous times and wallowed in self doubt whether what I am doing is working anymore. In the past, I'd have lost at least 15-20 more pounds than I have by now. I'd be knocking the scale pretty close to 155lb and probably wearing a size 4 jeans. They'd be so tight I couldn't sit and breath at the same time but by golly I'd have shoved myself into them just to prove I'd 'gotten to a smaller size'.

So I'm either completely delusional or finally self actualized. Sure, I'd love to wake up tomorrow and see that number on the scale, I'm not in denial of that. But I'm really quite content to not see a higher number on the scale either. If I never achieve 'perfect BMI' but stay out of the 'overweight or morbidly obese' weight range while still being able to eat like I do now, enjoy my food, and move as well as I can for now, I'll be quite content.

It would be nice to not pop & creak when I walk in the morning. I tell ya, most mornings it sounds like I'm walking on bubble wrap. Poppitty pop pop pop. I have also concluded as long as DH is going to keep me on dawn patrol I'm going to have to start going to bed much earlier. These 18-20 hour days have started taking their toll on me and are affecting my cognitive logic.

For example, I already messaged this so I'll go ahead and confess it here too, on that cranberry broccoli salad recipe yesterday the ingredients included 'sunflower seeds' and for 24 hours I seriously debated leaving those out because I was thinking 'great, everyone will be spitting shells out on the table cloth during the meal.' Additionally, I've been pouring thru all of your journals and diagnosing myself, borrowing whatever tips I could find for relieving my chronic exhaustion from re-evaluating my BP meds to buying a vat of Aleve. This morning it finally clicked 'uh, B... how about a little more REM time??'

Gah - still cold & dreary. My winter rye and kentucky blue grass seeds came in today so I'll go out and make an offering to Mother Nature and ask her to forgive me for wasting even one precious morning. While I do prefer to support our local businesses I can get an Amazon delivery in two days; have had these things on my 'list' for a month and just couldn't get to a 'store'. If they didn't sell it at the hospital, I didn't get it. That's been my life lately.

And with that, I'll wrap up today by saying thank you for stopping by and I hope the sun is shining on you where ever you are today.

Bella

78.9 kg Lost so far: 50.3 kg.    Still to go: 0 kg.    Diet followed: Reasonably Well.