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Well you coulda dipped me in surprise and sprinkled me with shock this morning when DH said 'being up here has made me aware of how many times I interrupt you during the day while you're trying to run the shop. I'm going to work on that and try not do it as much.'
It took every ounce of grace I could muster to refrain from performing my Fred Sanford imitation of chest clutching & calling out "Elizabeth.. it's the big one!" but I made it.
No predictions on whether his promise will become a reality. Guess you'll just have to stay tuned. Regardless, I'm counting the heart flutter I experienced at hearing that comment as my cardio workout today. I'm just going to coast here in the shop until my afternoon massage. The volunteer at the hospital information desk offered 'you look totally exhausted and worn out' as I passed her kiosk on exit. Ironic too because although I've had three really decent nights of rest she's right. I guess I'm coming off the high from anxiety and trying to recover my pace.
I emailed my friend yesterday and invited her to dinner; heathen that I am I forgot it was Wednesday night, aka Church night. Kind, gentle soul that she is she asked if 7:30 was okay. I felt a million years old replying 'I hate to admit it but if I eat that late I'll be up all night sick.' She stopped by the hospital on her way to church and we sat in the parking lot and visited a bit. I am truly blessed to have her in my life.
Returning home, the nagging 'hey, it's like 'spring break' here, we can go anywhere for as long and as late as we want without the concern that DH is home alone!' lingered as well as the very familiar emotion that 'this would be a great time to have a drink.' Last year was the first time in decades I'd made it through one of his hospitalizations without drinking or a late night phone call to the Pizza delivery guy but only because my OCD kicked into overdrive in compensation. Rearranging the pantry at two in the morning by obsessively lining up the canned goods alphabetically within their own food group was still far from a healthy way to spend my 'down time'.
But I silenced all of that by choosing instead to sit and 'drink in' the quiet of my evening. Much like my 48 hour retreat in August where I enjoyed the peace and appreciated the serenity of the hotel suite, I did the same but with my own personal surroundings. I recognized I did not need to drink, eat, tidy, shop or run from home. This was my life and I felt very comfortable in it.
Sure, if he passes before me and I experience a few many nights like that I will eventually want 'more'. While I do NOT miss being the corporate road warrior at all I have occasionally found myself sentimental for the freedom my out of town corporate apartment offered during the week. Activities as simple as going to browse the dollar aisle at Target or stop in to see the latest exhibit at the museum didn't require more planning than it takes to invade a small country - I just went. But in between I enjoyed the peaceful evenings absent of TV at an eardrum splitting volume level and eating a meal without interruption. So last night was an homage to the corporate apartment life as I serenely skillet cooked cubed pork with bacon and onions served over a bed of fresh greens and tomatoes tossed in lemon juice. It was delicious.
And in closing today I recognize I've made one too many trips to ICU. When they offered this morning 'he'd be out of ICU today but there are no vacancies on the regular floor' my response was 'how about the Cancer wing.. it's newer, nicer, and they have better snacks in the waiting room.' Hey, after restraining the Fred Sanford my well of polite behavior had run dry.
As always, thank you for stopping by and visiting with me.
Bells
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78.9 kg
Lost so far: 50.3 kg.
Still to go: 0 kg.
Diet followed: Reasonably Well.
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steady weight
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