FullaBella's Journal, 25 Jun 13

Today is the ten month anniversary of Operation Oatmeal. The mission title holds although I think I've only had oatmeal once in the past month. Anyway, that means it's time to journal any changes noted since the previous anniversary. I keep this list as a motivating reminder to myself that losing or gaining one pound at a time seems minimal in the big picture of life but it's important to recognize the small accomplishments along the way.

May 25, 2013 - June 24, 2013
*Lost 3lbs; total 103lbs since August 25, 2012
*Initiated the Refrigerator Reform act - one slip so far
*Stopped logging food diary
*Initiated mindful intuitive eating; doing well

Seems like a short list compared to those I've posted in the past. I'm sure all of the depression I am going through is affecting my ability to recognize little victories and hope to have relief from it soon. Or maybe these are just such big things I can't remember the little ones. I'm just glad I'm still here and sitting upright.

The ongoing list serves as my reminder that the little things weight and unhealthy eating took away may not have been so noticeable as they happened but getting them back has been incredible.

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April 26 through May 25:
*Lost 4lbs; total 100lbs since August 25, 2012
*Went through a loss of appetite and bored with healthy food phase without resorting to junk food
*No calamities on wedding anniversary
*Had such a GREAT birthday I felt reborn
*Realized my thighs don't rub when I walk now
*Felt comfortable wearing short pants in public
*Bought a small outdoor grill to another way to prepare food
*Took an art class and discovered I LIKE it
*Won the legal dispute against my realtor and tenant
*Got back on the treadmill enough to blow the dust off it
*Did not begin any sentence, out loud or silent, with 'I'm afraid if...'
*16 days now without a paring knife related injury in the kitchen
*Didn't go nuts on my birthday despite far too many gifts of baked goods
*Decided I wasn't going to make a time limit for being on FS as I really love my friends and the great relationship of sharing and support offered here.

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March 25 through April 24, 2013:
*Lost 6lbs; total 96lbs since August 25, 2012
*Fear factor breakfast of liver & onions; survived it but lost sanity points (oh well)
*Finally got birds for the feeders
*Discovered and made peace with my inner toddlers
*Standing longer
*Lifting more
*Working in my garden
*Eating intuitively; I still record but eat for hunger rather than to fulfill my RDI allowance
*Made more new friends and kept my really good friends here on Fat Secret - you folks are
amazing.

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2/25/13 through 3/25/13:
*Lost 7lbs bringing total loss to 90lbs since 8/25/12
*Continued exploring and discovering food I love vs foods I was eating out of habit
*Climbed up a ladder to work on windows - could not have done that in Aug12
*Chose to walk outside more ~ rather than driving short trips in town
*Recognized I'm actually outwalking my little dog (she used to drag 'me' four months ago)
*Avoided binging my emotions during a really stressful month
*Recognized there's more to feed than just our hunger
*Have moved my weigh in to monthly insteady of weekly
*Finally got birds at the feeders - yay
*Happily recognized more and more I am intuitively thinking about the quantity of food for hunger satisfaction rather than the total caloric estimate ~ not over eating just 'because the RDI total says I can'
*Spring flowers are 'sprouting' - yay
*Began eating more fearlessly with my mindfulness instead of prerecording my entire day
*Added sauerkraut to my breakfast with noted results (probiotics)
*Finally found and cooked Steel Cut Oats ~ like them
*Lab results on 6mo checkup much improved on blood sugar, cholesterol, and blood pressure
*Continued to work daily on finding peace in my relationship with food
*Tried Chia seeds - love 'em!
*Recognized when I do have 'more food' some days, I'm not as hungry the next day ~ my body is driving my eating rather than my mind or cravings
*Think I may have a bit of 'foodie' in me as I recognize more and more how sensitive my palate has become as more junk clears my system
*Started making peace with my inner toddler
*Continued to make and keep great friends here at FatSecret and be inspired by every one of you every day.

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1/26/13 through 2/25/13
*Lost 9lbs bringing total to loss to 83lbs lost since 8/25/12
*Have a lap now ~ can rest a plate or book on it when sitting without a table
*Have NOT needed a two hour weekly massage to relieve pain in my neck and shoulders since Nov ~ my gosh, how much money have I saved??? Then again, a massage for the sake of a massage sounds good... hmmm...
*Have started returning to more 'standard' food without freaking out ala regular cottage cheese, mayo, and yogurt instead of that proverbial 'Fat Free' label and compromised taste with higher sugar
*However, did find 'Smart Balance' chunky peanut butter and it really has a great 'roasted peanut' taste - gosh, I hope that's not a synthetic chemical effect
*Found myself much more relaxed eating out now that I feel more confident about the food choices I'm making and enjoying them
*Multiple weird undiagnosible lumps on the back of my calves went away - have had those for 30 years - not sure if it's due to the treadmill, food, or just weird concidence or combination but nice to not look like I am smuggling golf balls in my ankles
*Gave up processed carb snacks (pretzels crisps, bagel chips) and still lived - better than that, nearly ten years of acne finally cleared up
*Can almost touch my forehead to the floor when I'm sitting cross legged on the floor - (am 6inch away) - could barely sit on the floor six months ago and needed a chair to pull myself up from the floor
*Actually run from time to time on treadmill at 6mph - no marathon but more than I ever thought I'd do
*Am not the hottest woman in the room anymore (haha) - I used to be so hot & out of breath I always needed a fan blowing on me.
*More of me, much much more of me, slips under the water line when I soak in my spa tub now - have had it for 5 years and always needed a wet towel on my upper body before to soak without getting cold
*Slid into a booth at a restaurant the other day confidently without slowly LOWERING myself and dreading having the table serve as my chest prop or having to move to a table with a chair
*Size 14 jeans (down from 28 or something with 3x on it)
*Stopped weighing myself daily and lived through it without going nuts
*Made some good progress on identifying screwed up thoughts that led to my poor eating habits (but you'll have to travel back in my journals to find them, LOL)
*Continued to be inspired and supported daily by the wonderful community here at FS
*Found myself wanting less and less sugar in my food
*Learned to really enjoy my precious CHEESE pleasure - Sartori Balsamic Yum!
*Not sure if it's due to my increased self confidence because I no longer feel like a fraud or decreasing weight discrimination or a combo of both, I get away with serving up more (and taking a lot less) crap with men. I know, that reads horrid but I run a business in a male dominated industry ~ I guess being stronger with what I put in my mouth made me a force to be dealt with regarding what comes out of it??
*Finally made the connection between quantity and quality and how overeating ANY food is going to keep me at risk for failure.
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12/22/12 through 01/26/13
*Lost 9lbs bringing total to 74lbs since 8/25/12
*Wearing jeans now six sizes smaller than when I started
*Wearing ring guards now because my fingers are smaller
*Upped calories, fat and protein; decreased processed carbs and lived to tell about it
*Survived a 3 week plateau without giving up
*Put up birdfeeders for Winter. Waiting for birds now. 2/25: STILL NO BIRDS :-(
*Discovered beef puts me in a feeding frenzy but tuna suppresses my appetite. 2/25: This is no longer true. Beef satisfies my hunger if it's not 'lean'.
*Learned new ways to make a sandwich without bread
*Started sleeping better
*Found new ways to have a crunch food without chips
*Added hummus to my healthy snacks and like it
*Jogged briefly on my treadmill
*Continued to be inspired and encouraged daily by my great friends here at FatSecret.

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Year end 2012 wrap up -- not necessarily all weight related:
*Actually conquered cooking Prime Rib
*Grew a tomato & pepper garden in my back yard
*Went away for a 'resting' weekend alone - no working involved
*Managed business all alone and didn't run it into the ground
*Survived three of MH's hospitalizations without falling apart
*Became very skilled at administering IV therapy at home
*Birth Mother passed away closing a very sad chapter of my life
*Battled a family member legally and closed another sad chapter of my life
*Bought exercise equipment for the first time in my life
*Managed to use exercise equipment daily without fail
*Sanded my own sidewalks when icy weather arrived
*Cleaned and Organized the storage room
*Discovered I have artistic talent and decorating store display windows
*Paid all of my taxes early
*Grew my nails long naturally (but have since broken them off again)
*Stopped going to bad hairdresser out of habit
*Discovered how the flash card on my camera worked
*Learned to cook oatmeal correctly
*Decorated for Christmas for the first time in a decade
*Learned how to use PS3 for wireless, Netflix, Amazon
*Stopped being cheap with myself on things I wanted
*Earned the right to take Defensive Driving again thanks DPS

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12/15/12 through 12/22/12
*I don't know how but I lost 5lbs this week, bringing total to 65lbs lost and putting me halfway to loss goal
*Bought a treadmill and have walked on it twice a day for 15mins; avg speed 3.5mph; six days in a row
*Discovered cough syrups and cough drops cause me constipation (at least now I know!)
*Licked the spoon of MH's Campbell's Cream of Chicken soup and was grossed out - was like licking a salt block!
*Discovered wonderful Sobe Zero Calorie Lifewater - Fuji Apple Pear is my favorite
*Went to bed instead of grazing after soaking in the spa tub (always makes me want to eat so I've been limiting that pleasure to only twice a month because of it )
*Realized I've only had acid reflux one time since starting this ~ cannot remember the last time I bought zantac
*Did not let a bad cold or bronchial infection from continuing to work on my treadmill habit forming goal
*Added Almonds to my snacks without freaking out at the fat content ~ good fat, good fat
*Tried Turkey bacon - didn't hate it but probably because it's been four months since any other bacon period
*Shocked someone who hadn't seen me since I started - obviously loss is noticeable
*Continued to make new and keep good friends, receive incredible advice and support, and learn how to work through old issues through this wonderful community at FatSecret

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12/6/12 through 12/15/12
*Lost 5 more pounds bringing total weight loss to 60lbs since August 25, 2012.
*Can lift & cross legs without assisting them.
*Woke early (on purpose) to work out in the fitness room at a resort instead of Bloody Mary Brunch
*Survived the All you Can Eat Buffet twice in one weekend without destroying my RDI
*Developed within myself a phrase I now call 'Visual Fulfillment' (see Journal 12/10/12 if interested)
*Broke another spoke on my wheel of insanity (see Journal 12/11/12 if interested)
*Can now feel the bones in the back of my hands when I run my fingertips over them
*Was able to slide into a smaller size jeans
*Was asked by someone 16 years younger & 80 pounds lighter walking to 'slow down'.
*Survived a self image hatred attack and grew stronger
*Have to prop myself up in desk chair - I must now have less padding in MY seat.
*Finally connected that a craving indicates a desire to 'taste', not consume an entire 'serving'.

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11/24/12 through 12/6/12
*Lost 5 more pounds bringing weight loss to 55lbs since August 25, 2012
*I can now wear a regular bath towel instead of a bath sheet
*Will not need meds for diabetes and cholesterol; healthy eating restored levels
*Had a Doctor tell me she was impressed; with my history of obesity that is indeed a rare thing to hear and experience
*Six people commented on my weight loss this week tho most of the credit this week was due to new underwear.
*Stood and worked on Storeroom over 5 hours of bending and lifting; impossible four months ago
*Continued to make friends at FS and be inspired more than ever with their experiences, encouragement and support.
*I actually ate pasta and didn't have a guilt laden urge to purge
*Survived a couple of 'emotional' anger moments without binging; opened the fridge but walked away.
*Though a craving exploded to a binge I but didn't purge and got back on track with healthy eating the very next day
*Actually researched a treadmill online with really serious intentions to buy
*Made reservations for a weekend away and actually cared whether the hotel had a workout room rather than stocked minibar and midnight room service.
*Standing in line wasn't as painful as in the past
*Was able to bend down and pick a pen off the floorboard instead of having to step out of the car
*Twice I tried to get out of the car without unhooking the seatbelt (okay, that just reads idiotic regardless of weight but in the past it choked me so badly it was the first thing unbuckled before I even turned off the engine ~ now it's obviously loose enough to be an afterthought.)

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8/25/ 2012 through 11/24/12:
*Lost nearly 50lbs
*Dropped 4 sizes in jeans and wearing pants with a zipper & a number rather than 3X
*Can stand over an hour now without pain
*Have more energy and confidence
*Have NOT STARVED or USED pills to suppress appetite
*Only one binge / purge incident and that was the first week
*Choose to walk more and park farther from stores when safe
*Can reach body parts easier as well as not feeling strangled by seatbelt
*Haven't suffered acid reflux at night once
*Am proud of myself
*Joined fat secret and met a lot of nice people and made some good friends
*Have found new healthy and delicious foods am confident I CAN do this the rest of my life
*Have lowered my fasting blood sugar from 160 to 110 without medication
*Am not fearing lab work check up due next week
*Am looking forward to doc visit - very rare as I hate the 'need to lose weight' lecture
*Have started taking stairs instead of elevator
*Have started treating myself with more care and respect
*Have found a nice balance between 'live to eat 'vs 'eat to live'
*Am looking forward to today, tomorrow and next 90 days.

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Thank you for reading, being my friends, and being such incredible support and inspiration.

Bella

Journal for 6/25/13:
So there has to be some official diagnosis for the mentally destructive thing that goes on with me but I'll be darned if I'm going to go to a shrink to find out for risk of being locked up forever. Genius and insanity are too often confused these days.

Primarily, I'm referring to how my simple little journal boasting yesterday regarding Refrigerator Reform led to an all out shopping binge at the BigBox grocery. I'd gone there for a single appliance and a couple of things the little market doesn't stock but my husband couldn't live without. Before I knew it my basket was bulging with onions and peppers and spinach, oh my. The fridge was full and I felt like a failure. I forgave it and myself with 'everything in moderation including the moderation, today is another day to get back on path with your goal.'

But the fact that I'd been fine until I WROTE about it aggravated me. I likened it to how I never seem to have issues with things until I join a challenge.

Maybe the official diagnosis is 'JamesDeanItis' - as in 'what are you rebelling against? I'm at the tail end of two challenges and am definitely pulling down the stats with my 'fails' and it's crazy because the do's & don't do's were all things I did (or didn't do) every day BEFORE joining the challenges. Maybe I just wanna be a rebel.

82.6 kg Lost so far: 46.7 kg.    Still to go: 0.9 kg.    Diet followed: Reasonably Well.