FullaBella's Journal, 03 Jun 13

Finally - a Sunny Monday. Whew. Go Sunny Sun. Rah!

I think I've started this journal about 50 times - and keep editing or deleting so I'm just going to start typing and 'let 'er rip'.

I really don't know how to rate this past weekend. After journaling about 'getting that urge to overeat under control' on Saturday .. well ...I ... see, that's where I get stuck trying to assign a review.

First though - I didn't mean to imply I go to Walmart for stress 'relief' - I was trying to say I go there to get my mind off whatever it's stuck on because it IS or CAN be a very stressful place with the screaming babies and that lady in the checkout lane reading the Enquirer just telling the screaming baby in the cart to 'QUIT-IT' every few minutes to the point I want to smack her in the head with a Globe (the magazine... or maybe a real globe...)

But first, (or I guess, second now) someone explain this to me... because I've NEVER understood it but despite it's constant occurrence cannot ACCEPT it.

What is the deal with navigating your cart down one side of the aisle to always shop from the shelves on the opposite side? I'm sorry if you're one of those people who do that but are you aware of how selfish you're being when you do that because you essentially block the ENTIRE aisle when you do that??

Is food like ART, must be viewed from three feet away to fully appreciate it and decide the selection??? You don't do that in produce, oh no, you pull your cart up so tight against the spinach bin you'd think you were on guard duty. But get over on the non-perishable shelves and you suddenly need to tie up the whole AISLE while you block one side with your cart as you stand on the other side in a daze. Okay, end rant.

Where was I? Oh, trying to assess my eating this weekend. After my 'yes, I survived a week long urge to binge' journal on Saturday I grilled (outside): chicken thighs and country ribs. This grilling thing is new for me; the husband always served the role of 'grill master' in the past while I did EVERYTHINGELSE in the kitchen.

So a week of still trying to get the 'grill plate' seasoned, trying to get the smoker thing working at the same time, learning to use propane without being a 911 call, and trying to turn out cooked meat that isn't raw or shoe leather texture: challenging.

But I'm finally becoming the Zen Master of the Weber Grill. I know this because the husband said 'this is nothing but GOOD.... ' as he practically licked the plate clean.

I knew that too because (finally) mindful eating went OUT the window on that meal. Or so it felt. Now this is where it gets SO confusing.

I'd really not eaten that much Saturday morning because I knew I had this grilling thing planned and wanted to save room to CHOW DOWN in case I did finally get it right. And chow down I did. I had two chicken thighs, a rib, macaroni and cheese (!!!) and baked beans. All in one setting. Well, not really one setting as I ate the first chicken thigh in the kitchen while I was fixing HIS plate. I was just that hungry and it smelled just that good.

At first, I felt bad. Not bad enough to stop, but one of those 'oh well, we'll get 'em next time, can't be perfect every time' bad. Then I realized I never felt 'full' so apparently I didn't eat 'too much' although it 'seemed so'. Then I weighed one of the chicken thighs and ribs and logged it all and went 'uh, really not bad so what's the problem? Oh, no problem. So what's the problem?'

Still conflicted though - after dining on such meager portions for so long while I worked on identifying my hunger to hone my mindful eating skill, it just seemed 'off the rails.' So I went through the whole checklist like this:
1) ok, each thigh is smaller than your fist so ... no, not too much
2) yeah, Mac & Cheese with baked beans, not the best thing for you but it's rare enough to be okay
3) what's the problem again?

I just don't know. It seemed 'not right' but I can't find the wrong. Maybe THAT's what I was working through in my previous journals.

Sunday morning - French toast. Just one slice and not as healthy as my normal 'breakfast' but again, everything in moderation, even the moderation, right?

But finally getting around to the thing ... so if you read this far... here it is:

When I wrote last week about 'when I look normal on the outside, I still don't feel normal on the inside' ... could it BE that I'm not convinced NORMAL is my goal but I never feel special enough to be 'rare'?

After all, if more than 50% of society is obese, then isn't obesity the normal now????? While it's not revered, respected nor envied, it's still the average.

If the AVERAGE woman wears a size 14, I'm under that now size wise - at least, in jeans ( I know Sharon, it's always about the jeans). I'm not normal. Do I want to be normal?

Is THIS perhaps that barrier to me defining the 'me I want to be' because I always refer to myself as 'just your average small town gal trying to make my way through this world with as few bruises as possible'?

So in summary - I think in the scope of 'Eat what you Love' - well, I ate what I loved this weekend and for 90% of it I loved what I ate. That 10% bothering me - am trying to figure out where that's coming from. Either I've had too tight a reign on myself for so long it felt unfamiliar or I really went off the rails and need to recoup. Jury's still out.

One of the things I do need to put a little focus on is automatic snacking at night. Sure, it's within my RDI but settling down last night with my routine pistachios felt really familiar to a year ago when I settled down every night with the peanut butter filled pretzels and ginger ale. It felt so familiar it felt uncomfortable. Maybe that'll be all I need to stop it. Tonight will tell.

Thank you for reading.
Bella

83.5 kg Lost so far: 45.8 kg.    Still to go: 1.8 kg.    Diet followed: Reasonably Well.

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607 kcal

Fat: 35.26g | Prot: 59.49g | Carbs: 10.25g.   Breakfast: Chicken Thigh, Chicken Thigh, Baby Spinach, Publix Green Bell Pepper, Sweet Onions. more...