FullaBella's Journal, 10 Dec 12

Yay. Weigh in this morning: 228lbs. Normally I don't record a weight until the Sunbeam holds steady for 3 days in a row but as I was 229 yesterday afternoon on my return from the resort weekend I feel fairly confident this is a true weight for now.

Especially considering (cue drom roll please) I was able to slide on those 'old' size 18 jeans (I think 20 is the 'new' 18 or 18 is now a real 18 as I couldn't get them on last Sunday even though the NEW pair of 18's from the store fit.)

When I lose another 50lbs *(yes, not IF but WHEN) I'm going to do that 'jump in the air heel click' dance and pray I don't fall down and break a hip. For now, it's just a hippy hippy shake dance!

I want to share an experience I call 'visual fulfillment' and while I have no delusions it's an original thought as I'm rarely blessed with those it may be new for someone reading and help you as it did me.

But first the background of how or why I even ended up in the position to experience it. I believe we refer to that as a teaser.

When we arrived at the resort Friday evening I was ready to check in the suite and looking forward to going to the fitness room (again, words I thought I'd NEVER see my fat little fingers type because even though I've reached goal weight four times in my life it's always been through starvation and binge/purge but NEVER exercise).

However, my travel companion / guest (the leech I mentioned in my journal yesterday who will heretofore be referred to as TL) 'needed to eat because she'd skipped breakfast and lunch'. I'd already had my nice healthy little dinner at home at 5pm so I wasn't hungry but she was, 'staaarving' and when I asked 'okay, where?' she suggested 'The All You Can Eat Buffet because they have everything there.'

Yes, I know. I can hear you groaning collectively and yes, I agree. But no, this isn't the 'reformed eater being judgemental' position.

Even BEFORE I started eating healthy, mindfully and selecting sensible portions again I HATED, and I use that in the strongest way possible outside of cushioning the capitalized letters with profanity, I HATED the AYCEB because I feel they 1) promote overeating so you feel you're getting your $$$ worth and 2) are always loaded with decadent, butter soaked, greasy high calorie foods and 3) well, the OCD in me worries about proper temperature control of food that has been sitting out for who knows how many hours and /or days vulnerable to hundreds of folks 'hands & germs' in the food as they serve their plates.

But thinking (mistakenly) that I would have a choice at the ACYEB and be able to order ala carte I consented. I was wrong and as TL coincidentally left her PURSE in the room (as she did all weekend hence my 'never again and I mean it' lament last night) I had to pay for BOTH of us to go into the AYCEB at $28 EACH. Plus Tax.

Side Note: I know sometimes I post rants about the outrageous cost of things resulting in some readers concluding I'm financially challenged or just an out & out tightward. Neither is the case nor issue. While we don't keep the Trumpster up at nights, MH & I are what folks of our generation call 'comfortable.' And we are fortunate and thankful and are very generous in our community but don't like it when people try to take advantage of us and this weekend was just that very situation.

Regardless of 'never going without' I adapted a habit long ago of being as conscientious with my SPENDING as I am now with my EATING. While I didn't mind spending $200 the next night for a really nice dinner in a nice restaurant that was only vulnerable to the kitchen staff (yes, my OCD follows me everywhere) I think $28 for 'leftovers' (( and let's face it... a buffet is ALWAYS someone elses left overs unless you're the first through the door )) is outrageous! Then again I read KingKeld's journal about the $130 for two for a buffet type meal he and his wife experienced over the weekend and thought 'whew, it could have been worse!'

But back to the ACYEB. I'm thinking 'Okay, Bella, if you pocket enough fresh apples and bananas to stock in the room for the weekend you'll make up for what you don't eat off the steam tables. It'll be fine, now breathe, relax and go with the flow ...' and was self talking myself into a position of smiling again when they seated us RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE DESSERT BAR!

Yes, I hear you groaning in empathy again.

But the strangest thing happened and if you're still reading you'll realize, as always, I buried the lead.

I made my rounds picking from the few FRESH vegetables (and my apples) available as those serving tables were the less frequented and even picked up some guacamole and a tortilla. I sat down with two plates of what I felt were healthy balanced proportions and in my 'mindful eating' skills learned here I first sat, breathed, and let my 'eyes' drink in the food as I sipped my coffee rather than immediately commencing with the food shoveling.

And that would have been so easy for me in the past as I have a habit of stuffing down my feelings to make me keep my mouth shut. But I have learned new skills and coping methods that don't require swallowing and punishing my body for situations beyond my control.

Oh,- I also mentioned on my Saturday JE how waitstaff doesn't like or know how to react to 'mindful' eaters - it's true.

While dining alone Sat Morning (TL was still asleep) after my workout in the fitness room (My first time EVER to type THOSE words!!) on my breakfast of an egg white veggie omlet I had a very kind server who stopped three times to ask 'is there something wrong with your meal?' because I was eating so slow while just leaning back and 'people watching' between bites she didn't know what to think.

BTW - if you work in food service please know I understand the need of 'turning the tables' and left her a tip that was 150% of the cost of the meal to compensate my squatting. I can't guarantee every slow eater will do so but I am mindful of my inconveniencing others.

Anyway, back at the ACYEB I sat staring at my plates and I listened to my body. It said 'I'm really, really, really not hungry but that dessert bar is amazing. I am not going to eat food I don't want just to justify the $$$ or justify having dessert instead of a healthy meal. I think I'll get a couple of things to sample from the dessert bar whenever TL finishes her meal and is ready for dessert. Maybe she'll share the sampling.'

So I sat while TL ate her meal and sipped my coffee and water and rather than facing away from temptation I looked it straight in the eye. I admired the dessert bar as if it were a beautiful painting. I made myself acknowledge the wonderful chocolate color of the mousse, the interesting colorful decorative Christmas cookies in every flavor possible and even squinted as I tried to determine if that was white chocolate or marshmallow in those brownies.

I probably devoured a dozen cookies, three slices of pie and a bowl of pudding VISUALLY. I imagined how the textures would feel on my tongue. I wondered if the butterscotch pudding smelled butterscotchy and if the lemon merinque pie smelled lemony.

I probably sat there at least an hour having a conversation with TL as she ate while simultaneously admiring the wonderful gourmet skill of the pastry chefs and how they made everything look so beautiful. As one dessert was depleted another fantastic dessert replaced it. Different and new. It was like watching Theater actually.

However, when TL pushed her plates away exhaling 'whew, I'm full!' she asked 'so you've stared at the desserts forever, which are you going to get?'

My answer was 'none.'

And it was NOT a 'None' voiced with weak longing deprivation or denial or any of the other things we feel when we crave yet deny ourselves. It wasn't even a 'none' stuffed down with an apple in attempt to replace my sugar craving with 'real fruit' substitute. It was just a "I don't want any" NONE.

I felt like I'd sampled every single thing available and I was satisfied. Satiated. Content.

So the point of this? Well, it's my journal and I'm recording something I experienced.

But we all talk about 'uncontrollable cravings that lead to binges' and I have succumbed to two myself since starting this path and am trying to find ways to identify the triggers and learn better methods.

I recently read a study linked to me by a good friend here that explained the real chemical reaction going on in our 'brains' when we deplete the 'geez, I want but can't have' bank of willpower in our bodies because we just don't like hearing ourselves say 'no'.

So, this worked for me and I wanted to share it. Maybe while you're at one of those holiday parties and you find yourself hysterically staring at the great trays, maybe you'll want to give this a shot. Look at the buffet as art instead of food. Something to feed your soul instead of your mouth. Appreciate the technique and skill it takes to make those delights (( I am not a dessert maker ~~ the Bakery is my source for desserts for MH's 'I wants')).

Maybe you'll find you too can be satisfied with the 'visual' too.

As always, thank you for reading.

103.4 kg Lost so far: 25.9 kg.    Still to go: 21.8 kg.    Diet followed: Reasonably Well.

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1093 kcal

Fat: 35.80g | Prot: 61.84g | Carbs: 137.03g.   Breakfast: Coconut Oil, Quaker Old Fashioned Oatmeal, Flax Seed, Dannon Light & Fit Greek, Coffee, Creamer. Lunch: Staceys Bagel Chips, Chicken Spinach Soup, String Cheese Weight Watchers. Dinner: Sargento Reduced Fat Colby Jack, Flatbread, Chicken Spinach Soup. Snacks/Other: Schwans Strawberries, Apple. more...

2346 kcal

Exercise: Sleeping - 24 hours. more...